Thursday, March 10, 2011

Today is that day

Today is the day that my little girls heart stopped beating, today is the day she left this world forever.  Leaving me alone,  broken and my heart shattered into pieces.  Today is the day where I can tell you that I have cried for 365 days straight.   Today is a day of sadness and pain.  Today I do not want to be alone, but I am so tired of all these tears.

It has been one year since Megan died.  At 18 months old, she took a nap and took her last breath.  I am broken and I'm slowly putting the pieces back together.  The pain of losing her, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness, the healing, and the moving forward are to much to bear sometimes.   It doesn't matter nothing matters anymore, time doesn't stop for a grieving mother.  You can't go back in time, it doesn't work that way. 

How does a person do this? How do you move on after having your heart ripped to pieces?  These things are not supposed to happen.  Children are not supposed to die.  Children that are happy, and growing, and thriving and beautiful and sweet and smart are not supposed to die.  How can I ever trust in anything ever again? 

Its been a year, certain things are easier to bear.  I can talk about her, I can share memories of her and not break down.  Yet I still can't bear to look at pictures very long.  I still break down every single time Emily mentions how much she misses her.   How much she wishes someone would stay alive and be her brother or sister.  Shes lonely.

I often feel like I wake up and put a face on.  I have to smile and I have to be happy and eventually I do end up  feeling that way, but some days I hate that I have to wear that face.  Some days I just want to cry, and I don't want people to ask me whats wrong because it doesn't change.  Its her, its always her.  I'm scared.  I've already lost so much.   I just want people to hug me, and talk about her.  Ask about her.  Care and remember that she was here, she was alive and she smiled and she laughed and she mattered.  Remember her and you honor her and you make my heart happy.  

Today is the day that I wish I could write about her, my memories, and yet its just pain and anguish that come.  With every breath I take I wish I had a better way of honoring her.  I wish I could remember it all.  I just remember bits and pieces of things with her.  I wish I could look at her pictures and get them on my walls.  I wish I could tell you about all the adorable things she did but those memories come in waves.  I wish I could hear her laugh and see her smile, I wish I could see Emily and her playing.  I wish that dad had more memories of her like we all do.  I wish life wasn't so unfair. 

Nothing will ever change.  She will always be gone, my time away from her will always get longer.   I miss her so much.  I miss the giggles and the squeals.  I miss seeing her crawl all over Trixie, and drag her babies everywhere.  I miss seeing her eyes light up when big sister came  home from school.  I miss the little girl who dumped out boxes of cereals all over the kitchen floor.   I miss the little girl who had the funniest little expressions on her face.  I miss the cuddles and the kisses, but mostly I miss seeing my girls together.  My girls, they loved each other so much, played with each other so much.   My girls.  

I didn't know that a year ago today would be her last day on earth.  Its something we never get to know.  I didn't know that our lives would change so drastically in just one day.  I didn't know that I would become that person that you read about but think it can't happen to you.   Bad things don't happen to good parents/ good people.  I didn't know that it would be the last day I would ever have to give her a bath, to play peekaboo and sing. Today I can't even remember what the song was.  She was a little parrot and copied everything I said that day in the tub.  She told me I love you after mommy said it to her.  I wish I could remember the song.  What is the song?  Everything just fades away and its not fair.

I miss her so much.  I wish this was all a bad dream.   I can't believe its been a year.


16 comments:

lissasue3 said...

(((hugs)))

diary of a single mommy said...

((((hugs))))

I'll be thinking of you guys and praying for you and your sweet baby girl today.

Geves said...

Oh Jenny, I'm thinking of you and Megan today. I relate to so much of what you said - how unbearable Emily's pain is on top of your own, I had that too with my big girl. It feels unbearable, and yet we do bear it, somehow. And your memories are all still there. Grief makes them foggy but they're yours still. It's never enough, I know. Sending love to you and your family. xxx

Tiffany said...

Thinking of you today

Susan said...

Remebering Megan and sending you love. I'm so, so sorry for every ounce of pain and misery you've all waded through in the last year. I'm sorry that Megan has left us, and you are right, it's not fair at all xx

Cerine said...

(((*hugs*)))

noah's mommy + daddy said...

Thinking about you today. About how very awful one year ago today was for you. I wish I didn't know exactly how you feel. I feel the exact same way - everything you wrote...I could have wrote it. It's sick and wrong and it pisses me off on a daily basis that we can't have our happy amazing babies. I do know that they are together and they are happy, although we are a total mess. It's so hard to muster up all the memories once they begin to fade. But we will always have them. They were here, they were real, and they were the most amazing little people. XOXO

Ava's mummy said...

Sending all my love to you and your beautiful family tonight. Remembering beautiful Megan with you. xx

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for quite some time now. I've been thinking of you and your sweet, precious, beautiful Megan all day. Sending wishes of peace your way...

Jo said...

I think of you and your sweet girl a hundred times a day. I found your blog a few weeks ago. Sending you much love and prayers. My heart aches that you have to go through this and I wish I could take your pain away.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. You are right it is so unfair.

Mary said...

I am thinking of you and remembering Megan with you. I am praying for you and sending my love.
Love,
Mary

Katie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your blog since I saw your post on Priscilla's blog. You remind me so much of myself. I have not experienced a loss and I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I will be thinking about Megan. Take care

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Found your blog through another SIDS mommy...just wanted to say that I am very sorry about the loss of your daughter, she was/is beautiful. I lost my baby boy 8 months ago and also wish I would just wake up from this dream...this isn't suppose to be MY life...anyways ((HUGS))

marisa said...

A friend told me about your blog because she thought that it would help me through my pain. My daughter, Isabella who was almost 18 months passed away suddenly on March 10th, 2011. I am sorry for you loss and will pray for you and your family. I appreciate you sharing your memories and feelings, even though it is the hardest thing to do.

Holly said...

My heart breaks. :'(