Friday, March 4, 2011

Days passing by

I am sitting here in tears, just remembering her.  I'm so very sad.  I looked at pictures yesterday and they said March 3, 2010.  I had a smiling happy baby girl.  She was gorgeous and alive with a heart beating.  Breathing and smiling and laughing and full of love. 

Today I am on a mission to share her laugh.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBNTQ0o-_Kk Her sweet wonderful hyena laugh.  This was in December of 2009.  She was not interested in learning to walk at all, she thought we were pretty funny to get her to try.   So while my days tick down to a year of her being gone.  Today I share her laugh and her toothy little smile.  Today I laugh and smile and cry. 

10 comments:

brennafarmer said...

I love this picture! I can't believe Trixie let Megan sit on her like that!

Sweetface said...

She was a beautiful baby girl Jen... Remember that there is life after death and one day your family will get to reunite with her again. What a special little angel to be taken so young. God must have incredible, special plans for her that just couldn't wait. I'm honored to have grown up with you and Michael back in the old days, to know who you really are inside and out and wish you love, strength and encouragement in your healing. God bless sweetie... : )

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rebecca said...

That picture is so beautiful & full of life...it is heartbreaking to think she is no longer here with you. I'm so sorry. Sending love and hope your way ((hugs))

Lidia said...

I am so sorry for your loss. This is the first time I post on here, I found your blog on Baby Center. Your daughter is so beautiful. I pray for God's love to embrace you and your family.

Lidia said...

Thinking of you and your precious baby today. (((Hugs)))

Dana said...

I went and watched the video. She is so beautiful and my heart breaks for you. She had such a good life while she was here. You are a great Mom. Every day she had was full of joy and love.

Anonymous said...

my child died suffering after two months of pain in the ICU. His name was Jack Damian Wilbee he died march 3 2011 just 20 min bfore he turned five months. He was born with down syndrome and he was perfect and beautiful with he best smile in the world. He was are only child and were so happy to have him. We were told he had holes in his heart, a defect common with downs children they said no problem we can fix it, he would be in hospial for 2 weeks after and then we could take him home, so on jan 4th he went to the hospital at 3 months old to have open heart surgery. Everything went wrong after that, he had every complication there was arythmia, his kidneys stopped working from being on life support during the surgery, he survived two infections and a perferated bowel which they fixed by giving him a stoma his bowel was hoisted to his stomach and placed outside of his body where he pooped in a bag. Then in feb they told us he was on the road to recovery -go home they said , sleep for a night do your banking. We did. The next morning he had a heart attack they dont know why. We came in as they were trying to recesistate him after 40 min the doc made a decision out of pure emotion we don't blame him for that. He put Jack on life support for five days. It worked Jack came back and was taken off support but with massive brain damage,and also Cerebral palsy he was awake and could feel but would not progress beyond this point, he could not see except bright colors and no one knew if he could hear but we were thankful just the same our son was still alive we could still take him home. A week later they took the intubation breathing tube out and underneath all the tape on his face they realized he had a severe allergic reaction . The skin had burned through leaving almost no cheek left it was a huge gaping hole to the bone, he then got an infection in the wound. He had holes and tubes throughout his body for his bowels , for his dialilsis and for his medication and there was nothing left of his cheek. A few days after that they told us his kidneys would never regain function after being rececitated and his bowels werent working right. His heart was also failing again. They told us he was no longer a candidate for dialilsis, he had too many complications he was dying and even when on pain meds his pain was becoming worse. On march 3rd in the morning we took him to a child pallitive care home, we could not take him home it was to far and his pain could not be properly managed there. He died in my arms 20 minutes before he would have turned five months at 11 40 pm.. It was long, he went blue alot then would start breathing again but very badly. They said he felt no pain and they gave him alotof pain meds but I dont know for sure what he felt and even though he was in my arms I dont think he was aware of it. He kept trying to breath until finally he stopped. All this happy child knew was that his mom had given him to strangers who did bad painful things to him, he was 3 months old at the time he went into the hospital and thats all he would ever know. I see his pain and suffering in my head everyday like a horror show. He was my only child and I have no more purpose in my life, I cannot even bare to look at people or leave the home which I will probably loose soon. My husband is here but not here- he sleeps mostly now and doesnt care about the future either, there is nothing left but emptiness and memmories of my little misters suffering and his hard struggle to survive. The will to keep going everyday is draining, my heart is broken but still keeps beating and I wish it would stop. I see only what happened over and over in my mind. I see him looking at me wondering why I took him from his home,why I gave him to strangers and why are they hurting me. Thats all that goes through my mind everyday.

Anonymous said...

omg I'm sorry I posted this. Its the first time I said what happened to Jack out loud when I saw your page. You dont need this grief you have enough of your own, again sorry. Your daughter was beautiful. She looked like a real cuddle bug.

Jenny said...

Don't worry about what you wrote. Its good to share and Im glad you shared with me.