Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I am just so sad

Today, I can't help it, I can't stop the tears from falling.  My heart aches for my daughter.  I can't even imagine what she would look like now, I can't imagine what she would be doing, she is forever in my eyes just a 18 month old.  That's all she will ever be. 
Today I feel like I am be swallowed by sorrow, I feel alone and scared.  I'm scared to move forward and I'm scared to stay here in limbo.  I wish I could go back into the past, so many things Id treasure even more.

So many more pictures I would have taken, so many more videos I would have now. So many more hugs and kisses. 
I am blessed that my husband was deployed; because of it I took so many pictures of her.  Its a double edged sword though, because I wish he had the memories of her that we all do.  I wish he could have seen our daughter in person with teeth, with hair, walking, talking and just being the worlds sweetest baby. I would give up so many things to let him have his memories of her that he missed.  14 days.  Two weeks.  So close to coming home and holding her and knowing her, but it wasn't meant to be.  Life isn't fair.  Life isn't just.  Life really sucks some times.

Today I feel angry and let down.   Why did this happen to me?   What did I do to deserve this? Why does God think I have the capability to handle it, to persevere?   I want to crawl into a hole some days and die, I want to stop functioning and embrace this sorrow so fully that I don't think I would ever come back from it.  I should feel grateful for what I do have and I am but it is not the same.  My daughter died, I'm that woman, the one whose kid died.  People look at you and they wonder how you can go on, we all wonder how we can go on.  The fact is, its not simple, its not strength, we just do it.  You wake up each day and you move because you can only cry so long before the tears stop.  They stop no matter if you want them to or not.  People need me still and I need me.  I can't stay in the sadness 24/7.  She is never far from my thoughts and I do go days without crying but there are days where I cannot stand to look at her pictures because the pain is so severe and breathtaking. 

Today I miss my baby girl more than you could ever think possible.  Her smile, her laugh, her kisses, her hugs, her silly faces, there is nothing that I do not miss.  I hate that I feel so alone with this sometimes, nobody wants to cry with me anymore it seems.  I worry that my biggest fear is coming to soon, that she will be forgotten.  So many days I want to talk about her and I don't.  Some days I don't want to cry, some days I don't think i can bare to say the words out loud because my reality is this.  My 18 month old toddler, my sweet baby girl is gone from this world.
Today my tears run freely as do my words.  I miss you Megan Olivia Mcphee


Susan said...

First, I must apologise. Must have bereaved mum brain, as I'd mixed your daughters up, and called Megan Emily in my previous comment! Megan is such a sweetie - I particularly love the photo of her dressed up as a bear.

I really relate to everything you say. The idea of the pain just coming over-powering waves is very much my experience. You feel like you are doing great - functioning not too bad - then it hits you again, and draws you back in to the moment that she died. In the first month or so, I used to worry that the crash moment was the shock wearing off, and I would feel that bad for ever.

When I talk to other bereaved mums further down the line, they seem to say that that crash never goes away - but the gaps between get longer, and life becomes more bearable. Just think we have to keep going. xx

Andy said...

I feel for you and your husband more than it is possible to express. My losses have been different to yours but there is a sameness to loss. It's yours and yours alone to bear. Forever is so unbearable. My heart goes out to you. Xo