Saturday, October 9, 2010

I hate this, I hate this, I hate it

I hate this life I now have to live.  I hate it, I have tears streaming down my face and I am just done.  I miss my little girl so much, nobody who has not lost a child could ever ever understand.  I had a great day today, I did, I had a really great time with my wonderful husband.  Emily was with grandma and we had a complete day to ourselves and we hung out and had a really good time.  We went and had dinner at a friends house, everything was just perfect but now I cannot stop crying.  I can't stop missing her and hating that I could have such a perfect day without her.  I had a moment, one moment during the day where I cried for a minute because of some off the wall memory with her in it involving a parking lot at a Charlies Safari.

I hate that I don't get to see her grow up.  I don't get to see new pictures of her, I don't get make new memories with her.  I was robbed, I feel robbed and I don't like it at all.  I want to see my little girl talk about balls and puppy dogs.  I want to see my little girl run into someones arms because she loves them.  Most of all, more than anything in this world.  I want to see her with her daddy.  She was only 10 months old when he saw her last.  He didn't get to see any teeth, he didn't get to see her crawl, he didn't get to see her walk, or talk, or play.  He didn't get to experience any of that and now when I see him play with someone elses child it breaks my heart.  I can't expect him to never play with another child but you have to understand how excited I was for him to see her.  How much she changed, how much she grew, how fun she was.  I just want to see him with her, I wanted him to see how special she made everyone feel.  I wanted her to rush to him the moment he walked in like she did to her Uncle Dennis or Grandma and Grandpa.  I just wanted them to be together.  I would give anything to have a few more minutes with her, but I would give even more, I would give up even more to allow him some time to get to know her before she left us.  It isn't fair. 

He is a man, he is a wonderful man who takes great care of his family but he is a man and men grieve differently.  He said his goodbyes, it seems.  I know he remembers her, I know he misses her but I never get to hear those memories.  Men move on, they push forward and they support us but they move on quicker and what appears to be so much easier than we do.  Some times I like it because in ways it helps me move on.  Because no matter what, no matter how much I want to stay in my own little world, I have to move on.  You cannot heal if you do not, but it still kills me that he just doesn't get to have all these  newer memories of her that I do. 

My heart aches for her more than anyone will ever know.  Children are not supposed to die before you.  Yes shes in a better place, she will never suffer.  Maybe some day that will give me more comfort than it does right now.  I will see her again one day, but until that day my heart will ache for her, my heart will grieve for her, and maybe one day all this pain all this anguish will not be so severe.  Maybe one day when I think of her, all that will come is Joy and Peace but it is not that day.  Today I suffer, today I grieve, today I cry a stream of tears and wish that this was not my life that I am leading. 
We Miss you Megan.  We miss that smile and we miss your joy at all the simple things. 


mrsnice777 said...


from Jamie

Angela said...

I saw your comment on my blog and wanted to wander over and offer support and love. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Megan.

Thank you for asking about Charlotte's middle name - it means so much. It's Ava. Charlotte - little or tiny. Ava - Bird.

Your Megan - gorgeous. So sorry she is not here in your arms.

Ally said...

I am so sorry for your pain. Words cant even explain. I hope this new reality starts to become a bit kinder to you. She is up in heaven watching and she wouldnt want you to suffer so much :(
Hang in there (((hugs))


Stacey said...

Tears, tears, tears...Feeling your pain even though i know it's different. it's different for everyone.

After a good day or a fun night out, I always come home and cry. it's just hard to be happy...the guilt sets in. we have to move on, we have no choice. our children would not want to see us unhappy.

I love looking at pictures and hate it at the same time because we don't get to have anything new!

It breaks my heart that your husband didn't get to see her one last time. i am so sorry for this.

XOXO, hang in there...I have to believe the pain will dull over time.

Jessica Ryan said...

If you ever need to chat, I'm here. I know what that feeling is like - you are in my prayers everyday from now on.