Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th

I lit a candle, did you?

Its a hard day for me.  Its one month since my miscarriage, I feel like my grief has just overwhelmed me today.  It is so hard some days to realize, yes this really did happen to you.  Yes she really is gone.  Yes your 18 month old child died, it just doesn't feel real.  Like I will wake up from this dream someday and realize It just wasn't true.

It is though, she is gone, my loving and happy little girl is gone from this earth.  I can't hold her one more time no matter how hard I wish it.  I will never have new photographs, I will never have new memories, its gone because she is gone and realizing that today of all days is just depressing.

I've been searching for jobs but as many know, it is not a good job market right now.  I have applied and applied and applied and people look and see I haven't worked in 7 years and say forget her.  They'd rather have the highschooler with no experience at all in life.  Its frustrating.  It sucks all around because truly I should be doing the mommy thing, I should be thinking about potty training and playing games and tickling my little girl.  Instead I'm trying to figure out how I can be a worthwhile member of this family and contribute more than a clean house and lunches and clothes washed.  Its intimidating stepping back out in the work force after such a long break.  My confidence level is low, I already feel like a failure but I don't think that portrays when I'm out in public.  Its just those hidden insecurity's I have.

I've been running and I really like it, I signed up for a 5k next month.  I'm impressed with myself for keeping it up. I like trying to push myself in ways Ive never been able to before.  My shins and knees don't love it though all the time.  Sometimes I run and I cannot breathe at all and I just think of Megan and how I didn't eat for days, how much I cried,  that pain.   That pain is nothing like not being able to breathe and if I can push through that I can do this.  Of course that argument only works about half the time.   

I'm going to be widow for a couple of weeks, hubby will be off hunting.  I'm sure Emily and I will figure something out to do with ourselves.  Shopping is always a good fun thing to do :)
Its not the same and its not as enjoyable as it once was though, the 8 months dad was gone us girls, Megan, Emily, and I did lots of shopping, lots of window shopping.  Lots of things together and its still hard to do those things now.  I don't find myself wanting to browse because I did that with her.  Plus half the fun of shopping was buying her cute clothes on sale, and now I don't even like to look at it. 

What I wouldn't give for one more precious moment. I miss you. I miss holding you in my arms, I miss your smiles, I miss your laughs and your joy. I miss watching you explore the world, I miss you. I miss my bath partner, how you would just throw yourself into the tub with me fully clothed. I miss cuddling you, holding you close. I miss nursing you, I miss hearing you call me mama. You had the sweetest voice, the sweetest smile and your little hyena laugh. Maybe now you would like to wear shoes. Who am I supposed to share all my pomegranate seeds with now? Id give anything to have one more moment with you but id give it up and so much more in a heartbeat to let you see your daddy. I miss you my little angel. 
I miss you running into my arms, burying your face into my neck. I remember how you would take a drink of my water bottle and have it soak you and the look of suprise on your face and you would do it again and again. I remember watching you climb all over Trixie and how difficult those last few months you were taking you out to eat with Michelle. Couldn't sit still. I remember how quickly you fall asleep in the car. I remember that smile and how you would laugh when I would try to change your diaper, how difficult you made it sometimes, you had so many things to do. I remember the fevers and the sicknesses and holding you for hours. And I remember that day and those moments and they won't go away no matter how hard i try. Not feeling your little heart beating, not seeing you take a breath, you lifeless, gonee and alone when it happened. I can't let go of those memories but I try and thats all I can do right now. I remember you being mad at me for ignoring you once and you bit my toe. I still can't believe you are gone


mrsnice777 said...

Remembering with you!


Emily said...

I love you too Jenny

Your running made me think about that 5K I was telling you about, Running With Angels. Its a book too, and while I have not read it myself, it seems from the outside maybe you can relate. Love ya Jenny girl

Kairos said...

The memories are always with you and Halloween is especially hard for me as well. Peace to you and good luck on your job search.