Thursday, October 28, 2010

Emotions are a son of a "dog" sometimes

I am so emotional.  I know it has to do with the upcoming holidays and being without Megan for all of them.  I feel like I can't breathe, all I can think about is last year, or the year before.  My only 2 Halloweens, thanksgivings, Christmases.  It isn't fair dammit.  I didn't even get to have 2 birthdays with her.  I just feel so tired and worn out.  Like Ive given up on the good fight.  I just want to lay down and not get back up.


I'm tired of knowing that when I drop Emily off at school, I'm alone.  I'm alone in the car, I'm alone at home, I'm alone.  I shouldn't be alone, I should be annoyed at trying to belt my wiggling 2 year into her "rearfacing' car seat.  I should be annoyed at having to clean up breakfast she dumped all over the floor, or the cereal boxes she upturned when Emily left the cupboard open. I should have the joy and the peace of seeing her sleep, breathing with a heartbeat.   I should be disgusted to walk in and find that instead of napping she painted the crib and the wall with bm, something Emily was a pro at.  I know it doesn't sound like anything anyone would ever miss but I miss it, I miss the things I never got to experience with her.  She should be here right now pulling on my shirt to get my attention so that i get off this stupid computer and play with her, or change her, or hold her and cuddle with her.  I might have had stupid little fears but I never really truly expected to spend my life without her in it.

I look at her pictures and I want to rip them down because I'm so angry she isn't here.  I hate walking through a store and seeing the cute little clothes I would be buying just for her.  I can't imagine what she would look like right now, what she would be doing.
I want to throw my little girl up in the hair and hear her squealing with laughter.  I want to hold her again and her copy everything I say.  I want her to give me kisses and play peek a boo.   I want to see Emily play with her sister again.  Its only been 8 months but its like Emily has completely forgotten how to play with a toddler.  They annoy her where with Megan she had so much patience and joy.

I want my daughter to be able to talk to me about Megan without me ending up in a sobbing mess because she needs to be able to share her memories with people and shes got some good one that Ive totally forgotten about. 
8 months shes been gone and life still forges ahead.  It doesn't stop for anyone.  I can't really remember what she felt like in my arms anymore.  I'm just tired and not looking forward to having to make new memories without her.  I'm sure things will get better but I don't expect the next couple of  months to not be crazy emotional.  I just wish other people would stop expecting me to be so normal.

1 comment:

debra said...

Jenny, may the God of all comfort be with you during your grief.
Love and blessings to you.