The end of the holiday season

Thank God.

I'm so ready for it all be over and done with.  I'm so done with love and the happiness and the sadness and I am just done.

2 years is coming up soon.  In less than 3 months, she will have been gone for 2 years.   How can it be 2 years already?  Its not fair.

The anger I am feeling today is just overwhelming me.  I'm super pissed that this happened to me.  I am so angry and I feel so unsure of myself and my parenting now.  How could I have done everything that I thought was so right and she died, she died and I'm here picking up the pieces all by myself. 
This is the punishment of grief.  I/we are alone in this grief, this madness. Does that even make sense? Probably not.
 I hate that I've moved on, I realize that If I don't move on, then I will never again feel happiness and joy... but that doesn't make it any easier. 
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those first few months, to feel that grief again because no matter how sad or how much I miss her the pain is nothing like it was then.  I know that it sounds ridiculous but there are just so many times that I wish I could just wrap myself in that grief again because those tears.. that pain... it somehow proves to myself how much I love her. 

Everyone else seems to move on so easily, its not that they don't say her name or remember her (though it feels that way to me sometimes). Its that I feel like I can't breathe still, I can't believe that she is gone and this really truly happened.  I have finally stopped calling Amanda, Megan.  She is finally her own separate person.  There is nothing more comforting than holding her in  my arms.  Nuzzling that sweet spot in the back of their neck.  Just breathing her in.  Watching her breathe, seeing her breathe, feeling her breathe. Just breathe baby, don't stop breathing.  I don't think I could take it, but I find myself thinking, ya you would.  You would just move on, like you have moved on after her and its like seriously?  Why am I thinking this way? I can't.  I won't.  I could not survive another death.
There is so much  joy but there is so much fear.  I feel like I have a little better of control on my 'crazy' now, but it isn't easy.  Its a struggle.  I know that she will sleep in her arms reach cosleeper just fine at night.  I know that I would enjoy sleeping on my stomach again for a few hours.  As soon as I talk myself into it, I talk myself out of it.   Lately I've even been putting her in the bassinet.  I will lie so that my face is even with her face.  Yet I cannot go to sleep. I feel this ache and the fear and I can't breathe.  The anxiety.  The fear of another child passing all alone is so overwhelming that after 20 minutes I pull her back into my arms. 
The crazy that is better is that I no longer wake every 20 minutes with the knowledge she is dead.  However I still have to check that she is breathing multiple times of the night but it isn't as heartbreaking as it used to be.  It almost feels normal.  My heart isn't beating out my chest in panic, but there is no ignoring the need. I have to feel her heart pounding away, her chest rising with each breath before I can fall back asleep for the 20th time of the night. 

There are times where she will fall asleep upset, not wanting to nurse, just wanting her pacifier and it devastates me.  Sometimes I think its ok, this is good she fell asleep without having to nurse.... shes asleep that's all that matters.  Then I think of Megan.   Its all I wanted her to do as well. I was mad when I wanted her go to sleep, she wouldn't leave me alone and she was fussy and I just needed a few minutes to myself.
How can I ever let her fall asleep and have her think I'm mad at her?  How can I let her sleep alone with me being upset that she won't nurse and won't  shush with her crying and boy oh boy this kid can cry!? How can she just lie there, content sucking that pacifier when so many emotions are whirling around me?
So i jostle her a bit so that she opens her eyes, I pick her up and hold her.  Content because now she knows I love her, she knows that she is in my arms.  Crazy right? Sounds crazy to me.

The last month

I have had 3 people reach out to me and my heart just breaks for all of them.  3 children who have passed away in the last 2 months.  A 15 month old little boy, A 21 month old little girl, and a 13 month old little girl.   Heartbreaking, to have so many losses this close to the holidays.  Any loss is heartbreaking but it always seems more depressing when you have so many other people blissfully unaware. 

I am always humbled to have people reach out to me, I am so thankful that this blog reaches people and helps give comfort.  I know that when Megan died, it seemed like so many blogs, were fake and outdated they all just stopped writing after awhile.  Fake as in they were so full of hope and faith and that isn't something a lot of us have in the beginning.  You may find that later on, but in the beginning you are angry and you are full of guilt and the sadness is so overwhelming that you just pray that you will not wake up tomorrow.   You cry yourself to sleep every day, you cry at the drop of a hat.  You cry so much that your face no longer gets red when you cry.  
Where was all the pain? The anger?  So when I started writing, I wanted to make sure that was something I shared.  We all do it, we all think this couldn't happen to me but it can.  Writing is one way for me share the pain, to help people emphasize with us.

It breaks my heart that so many children are gone so soon.  It shouldn't be this way. This isn't the plan we had for them. 

I'm still finding my way, trying to figure out how to blog when I'm so conflicted.  Having Amanda did not fix everything, we always knew that.  No rainbows fix all the pain but they really do help.  Right now she is sitting on my chest while i type this, sleeping, content, safe in my arms.   I keep kissing the top of her head and just brushing my cheek against her fuzzy head.  Something i so desperately missed about Megan.  I miss her so much.  Sometimes I think to myself, Amanda you wouldn't be here if Megan had died, but now I just think to myself how much I wish I had all 3.  I can imagine myself with a 7year old, 3 year old and 3 month old.   Only, Amanda will never get to know Megan except through us.  

I'm still finding my balance.  I'm still perfecting my answer to the question, "How many kids do you have? "  Sometimes I let people assume that Emily and Amanda are it, but if they start asking anything about them I tend to quickly let them know about Megan.  I just pop it out there, I also have another daughter who died at 18 months. Sometimes they ask about her and sometimes they just move on in the conversation after saying their "sorrys'.  Both are ok. 

I wish I could

I wish I could imagine her now at the age of 3 running around, talking, and being silly.  As I was sitting at gymnastics today, there were some 3 year olds running around and I just can't picture her. Makes me so sad.  I miss her so very much.  Emily misses her so much.  She was looking at pictures on my phone the other day in the car and when I turned to get my phone back she had tears running down her face.  They were supposed to be sharing a room, bunk beds were supposed to be in that room.  Emily wanted a little sister to sleep with when they were scared or just needed someone.  Yes we have Amanda but its starting all over.  Shes a baby that can't do anything you know.  I hate grief. I hate it.  I hate missing my child so much. I want her here, I want all of my girls.  It isn't fair.   

Two worlds

I read this post yesterday and really realized how true it feels.  Now i understand why all of those people quit their grief blogs and start new ones.  I always said, I won't do that.  I won't stop writing  just because I may have other happier things to write about.  There is a archive right?!

Really does feel like we are in two worlds, I have been struggling with feeling guilty.  How many times have we as BLMoms said, "I would give anything to deal with that again." In regards to someone else complaining about their child.  Knowing that, knowing how I felt, the jealousy, the anger, everything and yet I still get frustrated and overwhelmed with the baby sometimes.  Are some things easier? Oh yes for sure, but its human to be annoyed that you either have to hear a baby scream or make dinner. Listen to the screams or go to the bathroom, listen to the screams or get your child ready for school etc etc etc.  I feel guilty, like these annoyances should not even enter my mind because I lost a child, a toddler.  I said I would give anything to have her here, puking on me, crying on me. Guilt, it is never going to end is it?

Amanda is 2 months old, she is 11lbs 2ozs and 23 inches now.  She is such a happy baby for the most part, she is getting to that fun stage where they smile all the time.  They may not look at you and smile but its still so wonderful to see their faces light up like that.  Holding a baby in my arms again is so wonderful, there is just something so very magical about a baby.  Cuddling one, snuggling, rubbing your face on their heads.  Its magical.  I have put Amanda in some of Megan's things and I thought It would bother me, to share what was hers with Amanda, but it doesn't.  I'm sure there will be a few things that I won't be able to share but right now it makes me smile to see her wear something of Megan's.  It makes her smile to.   Here is Amanda and Trixie 'helping' me do laundry.  I love how Trixie made herself comfortable on top of the pants lol.

Emily and Amanda watching "A little princess"

Almost 6 weeks

I wanted to share a few pictures :)

  My 20lb ^Megan Bear^  from Mollybears.com.  She is also wearing big sister Megan's dress. She was all smiles.

 Always has this little serious face.  Its probably more of a flash face but I like to call it her being serious face lol.

 Sisters :)

Big sister Megan in her dress

This picture is of Emily, when I saw it I instantly saw Amanda as well.

I can't write

I want to write so badly, I want to share how crazy and neurotic I feel.  I want to write about the depth of pain and love and sadness and happiness I am going through, yet I can't.

It seems that writing about my grief was easy, didn't care what people thought.  My only goal was to get people to understand the pain as best they could.  Yet now? I feel judged, I feel alone. 

Am I really judged and alone? Probably not, but it feels that way.  I love Amanda so very much and I'm so tired of looking at her and not seeing her.  I look for what is wrong with her.  Something has to be wrong with her and I have to find it.  I have to find it before I have to hold another dead child in my arms.  I inspect the soft spot, I inspect her face, I inspect her breathing.  Her breathing, always with a hand on her chest...

I can't let the fear go.  My husband has been wonderful and understanding but I think he may soon start getting angry with me.  Doesn't understand why I can't realize that Megan's death was a fluke.  It won't happen again.  These things don't happen over and over.  I need to be positive.  The stress of worrying is doing nothing for my mental help.  On and on and on.

If it were only that easy.  If I could turn off the switch that remembers holding my dead daughter in my arms.  If I could turn off the switch that remembers finding her lifeless.  Lifeless on my watch. 

I made this choice.  I made the choice to go through this again because holding a baby is healing.  Its just not healing me quick enough?  I'm not depressed.  I'm just scared and becoming a bit obsessive.  Waiting for this bit of happiness to be taken from me.

Holding her in my arms, its one of the best feelings in the world.  Its indescribable.  She brings so much more joy in our lives.  I just wish I could get away from this anxious feeling.  I just don't want her to leave me to.  I almost wish I could say I was depressed so I could go on medicine.  I'm just scared and anxious and a worrywart times 10. 

I think the main reason I don't want to write is because I want to write about my fears, I want to write about how neurotic I feel.  This isn't my 24/7 life though and whenever I write about it, I can't stop thinking about what others might think of me.  I hate that.  My release has been in writing and I have never been one to write in sunshine and rainbow talk.  I like to get down and dirty, to share my innermost thoughts without shame or guilt.  Now I feel like I'm censoring, If i say this, maybe they won't think I need "to talk to someone" or "need happy pills".  I guess I always think that the happiness is just implied ...of course its there.  Of course I'm not running around like a mad person never letting Amanda sleep.  I clean the house with her sleeping alone in my bedroom for goodness sakes.  The last place I thought I would be able to let her sleep alone.   I live life, I'm no longer just a functioning robot getting things done. 

Why can't I stop thinking that everyone no longer cares how hard it is for me sometimes.  Why can't I stop thinking that everyone else thinks she was my cure all so I should be all better?  Seems like most of my friends that have taken this step .. they all seem so normal.   No neuroses lol.  Just happy go lucky baby posts.  Where is the fear? 

Birth, pain, joy, sadness

Where do I even start? I'm so torn between everything that is going on in my life. 
Emily and Megan are big sisters.  September 19th we welcomed another girl into our family.  Amanda Marie was 8lb 7oz and 20.5 inches.  She is healthy, cuddly as can be and looks so much like her big sisters its incredible.

I would like to make the claim like so many others have told me.  I loved her instantly, I may not have really bonded with her during the pregnancy, always so scared to let myself get to close.  Yet the moment I held her in my arms, this squalling, starving little girl (can't believe its another girl) I just knew.  No matter what happens, shes mine and I love her. 

My fears are 'there' but they are not as overwhelming as I thought they would be.  I can let her sleep and walk out of the room, but we also have not slept in the bedroom yet.  Recovering from a c-section its easier on me to sleep on the couch.  Plus just  the beginning of breastfeeding its nice being somewhere I can get on the computer or watch tv to keep myself awake.  
However, I often have to poke her, pick up her arm and drop it, anything to get a response.   I often look at her sleeping and think "OMG she is dead, shes to peaceful, shes to quiet, is her face purple?"  I'm pretty sure its a normal reaction/fear for someone in my position.  As the days have gone by it seems to be letting up a little.  

She seems so perfect, but so did Megan.  So was all of my friends children.  The paranoia is so fresh, everything seems so bad.  I don't want others holding her, touching her, I can't sleep if shes not right next to me and that means I'm not sleeping because I'm now I'm completely overwhelmed with baby loss stories. 
If I could hear I think she would be sleeping in her own bed, I try to do it and the only way I am able to let her sleep an hour or so at night in her bassinet is if I sleep with my hearing aide in.   Doesn't matter if shes right there, go into a deeper sleep and without the hearing aid, without her right on me, I don't hear her until shes so upset.  I hate that. Always have, which is why they have all slept with me so that I know right away when they are upset.

Emily told me that she often has to pick up her arm and drop it and make her move as well.  A 7 year old feels the need to make sure her sister hasn't died yet daily.  How sucky is that :(
I told Emily that Amanda will be here tomorrow the other day.  She didn't want to go to bed, she wanted to keep holding her for just awhile longer.  She looked up at me and said, "You don't know that."  "Nobody knows that for sure."   What can I possibly say to that?  She went to school expecting her sister to be ready and willing to play with her when she got home and instead she got a dead sister.  Yeah, shes right, we will never know that we will be here tomorrow.

Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Mandy, Mandy Mandy.  We love your name and yet we continue to call you Megan.  I've been saying maybe we should change your name to Meg-andy.   I'm sure its something we will stop pretty soon.  It bothers me but it doesn't.  They look an awful lot alike. 

I miss Megan so very much.  Holding Amanda in my arms helps.  It really does.  I'm still so scared, I whisper to her, "Please don't die, please don't leave me. I love you so much" 

Amanda is just the sweetest little thing, has been a great little nurser, a decent sleeper.  Shes actually pretty boring right now with doing nothing but sleep and eat.  The cuddles though, nothing beats baby cuddles.  So very hard to get used to doing that much work again.  So much harder to leave the house, so many things have to be done and brought with you and its difficult and frustrating when its not something you have had to deal with for awhile. 

Sad and teary

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look I see her looking at me.  The places her pictures sit pulling a "Mona Lisa".  Some days I can just glance at them and walk away and then some days I can't walk away.  I stand mesmerized unable to turn away, unable to not touch her face and I am overwhelmed with my loss.  Overwhelmed with the knowledge that I will never hold her again, I will never hear her earthly laugh again, I will never see that impish smile of hers except in pictures.   A few more days and she will be gone as long as she lived.  A year and half.  I've been grieving for a year and half and some days it seems so easy and days like today I am overwhelmed. 

As I stood there staring at her pictures on the fridge I couldn't stop saying I was sorry.  Sorry that I failed her, sorry that I couldn't make it all better.  So so sorry that I didn't know.  Sorry that I walked away from her when she wanted me.   Sorry that this wasn't something I could fix. 

Then when after the never ending guilt hits, I got angry.  Angry that I don't get to see her 3 years old.  Angry that she isn't here, angry that life is so much easier without a toddler.  Angry that so many people seem to forget.  Angry that everyone assumes that this baby is my second child and angry that I don't want to explain it.  Angry that it doesn't make me feel any better when I say, NO I have a 7 year old girl named Emily, and I have a 18 month old who will forever be 18 months old named Megan. 

I just miss her so much.  Picturs below are how we celebrated her birthday.

One of those days

Today is her birthday.  Today she would be turning 3, but no instead she is forever 18 months.

September 11, is the last big milestone I have, I suppose.  That is the day she has been gone longer than she was alive.  After that I guess its just birthdays, holidays, death day etc.

The lead up to the second birthday without her has been a lot easier than it was last year.  Someways thats a blessing and someways its pisses me off.  It shouldn't be easier, I should still be a crying sobbing mess because my child is gone.  Do you know how big a 3 year old is? How much hair she probably would have?  The things she could probably do?  I know we all say it "it isn't fair" and after awhile its like thats all I really have to say.  Its not fair.  I want my 3 year old. 

Watching your older child deal with the pain of no longer having their sibling sucks.  The other day Emily said to me, "Mommy, If i ever die in child life, do you promise to bury me next to my sister? " She breaks my heart sometimes. ♥  What am I supposed to say? She also said she hopes that she does not die in child life and then I said "I hope you never die."  To which she said, "we all die sometime."  Something we tell her all the time, you just don't expect them to say it back. 

Emily: Mama I really miss Megan

Me: I know you do, I really miss her to.
Emily: *sobbing* mama, sometimes when Megan made me really mad I would pinch her.
Me: Laughing and crying at same time. OH honey I would get mad at her to sometimes.
Emily: I just have always felt so bad about it :( I wish she was here so we could share a bedroom and that she was still alive.
Me: I know, I wish it to honey.

She misses her so much.  She shows it in different ways and most of the time I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks of her, but then we have these conversations and I just know that shes not forgotten. 

We will be celebrating her birthday the only way I can think of.  Balloon release, chalk art on her grave, pretty flowers,  and dinner.  One day later, but thats ok.   Its so frustrating that its all I can do. 
I'm trying to be excited over this new baby who will be here Sept. 19th, but its hard.  Still so many doubts, so much pain, so much disbelief and so much not being able to connect with this baby.  I know its normal for us loss mothers but its still hard to handle sometimes.   I'm tired and I feel so drained and I feel like I'm closing myself off to everyone.  I don't want to write here, I don't want to write out what feels like more empty words.  It just feels empty.  Were all hurting, saying the same things over and over and I just feel like I can't do it right now.  I just feel blah. 

My sweet childhood friend Ashlee's work had a free CPR class yesterday.  I figured that It would be a good idea to brush up on my skills.  I thought I was fine and then the memories kept hitting me.  The instructor is telling funny stories about doing respiration's and the patients puking and it just brought me back to that day.   I had to walk out and regroup.  Embarrassing to be crying in front of all these people I don't know, but I couldn't help it.  I did CPR on my daughter and there was no happy ending.  I had to go through with the class though, for this new baby.  I had to step up and make sure I still knew everything I needed to know.  I did it and I was ok in the end.  I know I was probably a little extra emotional since I knew the next day was her birthday.

Well thats the update for now anyways.  Thanks for reading.

Tired and cranky

Every single day I tell myself I should blog but I just don't feel like it.   I'm cranky, I'm sad, and I'm missing my sweet girl something fierce.  Her 3rd birthday will be here in days.   Nothing I do is ever going to be enough.  Woohoo I get to go pick out expensive flowers, woohoo, I get to pick out balloons, woohoo new chalk for her grave art.  I mean its just all so trivial.  Yeah. 

The last few days I keep having this fear/dreams that something is wrong with the baby.  That I'm going to freak out at birth screaming at God for taking away my perfect little being and leaving me with ... whatever.   The dreams are never very specific just the anger and disgust and yeah what a nice dream about the little dancer/fighter inside me. 

I'm definitely getting to the miserable part of pregnancy.

33 weeks

Things are moving along pretty smoothly.  Hopefully they keep going that way and it doesn't decide to start taking forever.   My csection date is set and I'm ready to meet this child.  The question of "What is it?" is starting to drive me nuts!  It is at least later this time that the question has started bothering me, with the girls it was much earlier.

Emily is really excited and hopes that its another girl.  I really truly don't care.  I'd like to have a boy so dad can have his boy, but girls..... I know what to do with girls.  I like girlie stuff. 

This child is currently nestled into my ribs and I cannot breathe.  When I try and make it move it wiggles itself painfully underneath my ribs.   For days its been head down but I guess it decided to change positions and torture mom.  Its a very active baby for the most part, it has occasional days where I'm left thinking "OMG it hasn't moved all day! Its dead, it has to be dead".  Always fun to have those days.   Most of the time I can't even bring myself to pull out the trusty doppler because the bigger it has gotten the harder it is for me to find it unfortunately.   Which creates worry where I don't need it.   I feel so much smaller than I did with the girls.   I don't have the nice firm stomach, its floppy and mushy and I'm still less weight than i was with either of them at this point. 
                                

                        Here I am 36 weeks with Emily.

                   Here is me pregnant with Megan at 7 months, don't know the weeks.

                    Here is me now at 33 weeks so I guess I'm actually right where i was with them but I just feel smaller and can't help it lol!

Anyways thats all for the update I suppose.  

Sometimes it just happens.

Lately SIDS has been a hot topic of conversation. Especially since there have been many new articles out talking about it. They are finally making it known that SIDS is not suffocation deaths but now they have the nerve to say, "The majority of SIDS deaths are because of unsafe sleeping environments".


Really?

That is such a huge slap in the face to those of us who have lost children. Day cares have pretty high standards and rules. Are we supposed to be putting all the blame on them?  Thats ridiculous. What about all the mommys I know that followed the SIDS rules, baby on back, fans in rooms, baby in their own sleep environment. People that are worried about SIDS do not fill the crib  up with junk. Most of us have been scared to death of SIDS all of our children's lives. It just disgusts me because so many people I know did all the right things and yet their kids still died and now these articles are making out like it is somehow our faults.  Thats how it reads. 
Lastly the moms that co slept. Yes there have been cases of a child being rolled on and suffocated but now they are creating this huge stigma that all co sleeping will cause deaths. Bed sharing.  I don't believe that for a second.   Yes you have to take precautions but I don't believe for one moment that the mothers or fathers I know rolled on top of their children and suffocated them.  This would be suffocation.  This is something that they can find out during autopsy, this is a cause of death. SIDS and SUDC are the band aid answers when they cannot find the cause of death.  I know of one person in my huge baby loss community that this happened to, a bed sharing accident.  Yes there is safe sleeping and bed sharing is not for everyone.  It does not however mean that your child will die if you do it.   Ive stated many times before that I often felt that my own bed sharing with Megan  kept her alive longer.  I had this huge fear of her sleeping alone at night away from me because every time I moved, I moved her as well.  She was constantly waking up out of that deep sleep and readjusting.  Who knew that it would be a nap that would take her away.

The majority of the parents I have met who've lost kids. Lost them in day cares, in cribs alone at night or nap times, in swings, and only a few were actual bed sharing when it happened. The majority of them were alone. Alone. My child was alone and it is something I and I'm sure many others regret every single moment of our lives. 

I understand that with a older child dying it jades my opinion a tad. I can't just think "oh it couldn't roll, got stuck etc". My healthy active vibrant 18 month old who could walk and talk and jump died. You cannot tell me there were unsafe sleeping circumstances involved. Her face on my bed created no alarm. Nothing was amiss when I walked in that room. Nothing was near her face but the mattress. Nothing screamed out at me this is wrong. What was unsafe about that? Yes she was on her stomach.  She was 18 months old, after what 5 months you no longer have the control to keep them on their back.  She had no blankets on her, she was not near pillows. She was peaceful. If a healthy active 18 month old can die this way then why in the hell are people making other moms feel bad about their younger ones dying? Well you co slept, well you had that bear in the crib, well you didn't have a fan, you let them sleep on their stomach. You had bumpers!

We are all already suffering and I hate that these new articles that I'm reading are so condescending. Someone reading this who has not gone through what we have is thinking to themselves, "they should have known better. Its their fault." 

Like we don't put enough blame on ourselves as it is. Like we don't battle the "What ifs." Daily, we mothers battle the what ifs. Lets just keep kicking us while were down. Give us one more reason to feel like others think its our fault.  We did something wrong.

Sometimes the unimaginable happens and there is no way to prevent it. Nobody wants to hear the truth of that so lets just keep saying other things. Kids don't just die.
Right.

Grief doesn't end

It does change, but it will never end.

I have often wondered why I don't see many people write about the depth of pain they still feel even over a year or years.  Time passes by but the hurt never goes away.  I think I'm starting to see the reason.  We don't want to share anymore.  Its not that we don't hurt, that our pain isn't still overwhelming, but we are tired.   Every single time I share some of my grief, give someone a glimpse of my pain that I still feel and will feel forever.  I get the, "I hope you are seeing a grief counselor." Effectively shutting me down and letting me know you don't want to hear about it anymore.  You are over it.   You know you can't fix this so lets just back to the new normal where we only talk about other stuff.

Thats why grief changes.  I find myself holding in my sadness much more than I used to.  I want to share, I want to write but I'm tired.   Why is a grief counselor every ones cure all?  I don't want to talk to someone who does not know me.  I am a functioning, thriving person.  I enjoy life again, my daughter is not suffering because I cry now and then.  She is well taken care of, as will the new baby be.   My sadness however is still valid.  My 18 month old daughter died.  She died. 

My children are my world. I had no idea before this happened that I would be able to go on, to carry on and function and be happy.  I held her in my arms and I loved her with all I am.   It hurts me when people go out of their way to not mention her . She was here.   I had such a short lifetime with her, that it isn't fair to not mention her.   Maybe it was so others around us wouldn't ask questions but I'm far enough in my grief now that I can tell people a short synopsis of her story without crying. 

This baby isn't a fix it all.  I will not be miraculously cured of my grief and sadness when its born.   Will it help? I'm sure it will but it will not cure me.   It doesn't replace her.  I know I will love this baby like I have loved my girls, but now the fears  that are valid are so strong.  I'm no longer that carefree mom.  I have suffered every parents worst fear.   I'm about to do it all over.  When your child hits a year we all just let out this huge sigh of relief.  I don't get to do that.  I should have an almost 3 year old but instead I'm starting all the way over and I'm scared.

People don't know what to say.  I wrote about the sadness I was feeling the other day in one of my online groups and a friend said this.  "I always think that when you grieve, not only do you have your own anguish, but you also have to help other people who don't know what to say or how to act. It's like you have to deal with what you are struggling through, and still be a help to everyone else who doesn't know what to say."  It is such a true statement.  I just want to be able to talk about her.   I want people to know that when I say "I'm sad."  Its because of her, because I miss her and that is the simplest way for me to say it.  I feel like shutting down sharing because this is how I cope.  I want people, like me, to read and understand that what you are feeling is normal.  I want people to know that it doesn't end even when the depth of pain is no longer wrote about.  Grief changes, it gets easier to handle as the days go by.  Yet its also harder to acknowledge it with the time passing by because people figure you should be over it.  You were normal yesterday, happy and laughing.

Its the little things that set you on a remembrance journey.  For me it was someone I respect not wanting to mention her and that pregnancy.  I also can't stop looking at the picture of Megan I took when I brought her in to the ER.  8 days before she died.  Why did no one see it, why were there no clues.  She was there, they should have caught it, this damn whatever that took her away from me.   (Picture is below)

I hurt because I love her. 
I miss her.  If I was struggling to live life, then thats when you mention grief counselors.  If I make it clear I didn't want to talk about her then thats when you  stop mentioning her.  Now? I'm ok.  I want her mentioned.  Even if its just a fly by.  

This new baby deserves to be ahhhhed and oooghhed over but It is so hard for me to completely accept that.  It feels like I'm accepting the fact that no one will mention her anymore.  No one comes out and says this baby is her replacement but I can't help but feeling that when you don't say her name.   I can only count on a few people to say her name.  Emily being one.  She is also the only one I want to share because some of those that never mention her are people that should before anyone else.  

My grief is no longer suffocating, but it is still there.  I don't need people to fix it, I just need you to listen and to care.  I don't share as much as I used to.  It makes people uncomfortable after what already feels like a long time.  This is my new normal.  It is ok for the most part, but sometimes..... I need to cry, I need to hurt.   I need to sob and scream about the unfairness of it all.  I need to know that her memory lives on, that people won't forget her.   I have 2 girls.  I promise I won't break when mention her, remember her.  

I am always wowed when friends write her name in the sand for me.  It is something that I never really expected to take off but so many people do it for me.  My 2 good friends made shirts recently to run a race to remember Megan.  Crowns and tutus.  My cousin Erin runs marathons with her picture on her back.  I do know people think of her and remember her, but why does it feel like the people closest to me don't?  Every single thing people do to remember her humbles me.  Taking pictures of her name in the sand, in blocks, in grass, wherever you find her name... etc its perfect.  I appreciate it so much.  I miss my girl.  I miss what was.  I know that people remember her but sometimes its hard and sometimes the pain overwhelms and I don't see everything that people do to remember.

I'm alive

Figured I'd post a quick update since its been awhile.  
I have taken a small break from writing and being on the computer, trying to limit my time right now and just being busy. 
I miss Megan.  I am 29 weeks pregnant and things seem to be going fine.  I failed my 1 hour glucose test by 5 points and then took the 3 hour and passed with flying colors.  There is nothing quite like the fear of being told "OMG i can no longer eat ice cream and chocolate" to shake things up in the pregnancy world.  Thankfully all was good. 

I wonder how things will be when this baby comes.  I wonder if I will be able to relax and just enjoy it or if all the fears I feel now will be so overpowering that I end up getting locked up in the looney bin.   I'm still having my thoughts of wanting to do things differently.   I've decided no matter what I'll still breastfeed even though I was on the fence for awhile, but I love it so much, I can't give up that bond.   Sleeping with baby is really on the fence, I just don't know.  I've never been able to sleep without them close and now that Megan died sleeping ALONE I simply don't know what to do.   In one way I want to almost not connect as closely to this baby as I did with the girls, so that maybe, if and when it dies it won't hurt so much.   I know how silly it sounds but you can't really stop the thoughts from coming.    I've also still been looking for a job but I'm obviously quite unattractive in the job market since I haven't worked since 2003 and I have no skills.  I think If I could find one, I would likely keep it after baby as well and put baby in daycare which I've never ever contemplated doing with any of the other kids.  Yet, I do not want to be the one who finds a dead child again, I do not want to be the one who has to hold a lifeless child and call 911 and give CPR. 

Since, I don't seem to have any job prospects and etc I don't see anything changing anytime soon.  

More facebook fails.

I've been quite grumpy with Facebook once they switched me to the new and 'improved' messaging system.  If you don't know what I'm talking about ... just wait.  Facebook has decided to mesh all your messages together.  Including chat messages.  Including messages you deleted.  They are sorted by names.  When my daughter died my cousin Erin wrote me every single day for a year.  over 400 messages in her folder.  If you want to archive the conversation its one click, if you want to 'clean' it up and just delete the whole conversation it requires 5-6 clicks.
A.little about the messaging.

Whatever, I've dealt with this annoying feature.  Today's however takes the cake.   I am the lucky recipient of Facebooks new happening bar.  It is a mini status feed to the right of your status feed.  You no longer have easy access to Events, or peoples birthday, pokes etc.  Its this huge constantly moving feed to your right.  Basically telling you everything you are reading in your status feed, but moving... constantly.  It is also proving to be quite the privacy breech.   It tells me when my friend Lisa commented on her friend,  Joe's picture.   I'm not friends with Joe.  I will never be friends with Joe.  He might be a nice guy but I will never be friends with him and I should not be able to see what Lisa posted on his picture. Did I mention that I can see the picture? Yes I can.  I can read any ones comments on that picture.  I decided to take it one step further and clicked on Joe's profile. Whoa, one of those that tell you nothing.  He obviously has a very private profile but hey Joe I saw your picture!

here  is a article talking about the happening bar.

here is information on how they already know that peoples privacy are being raped.

So for those of you on my facebook.  Please forgive me because I will never remember to look up peoples birthday.  Sorry.  Thank you facebook for again making more changes to stuff that people really didn't want you to touch.  If its not broken, LEAVE it alone!!!!!

Something I just noticed.  Now that I have the super cool happening feed, when I go to peoples profiles, I no longer see the occasional so and so commented on this and that.  It is simply statuses and wall posts.   So if you are like me and do enjoy stalking once in awhile you are no longer able to because the happening feed only lets you view it for a second before its quickly replaced by someone else commenting, liking, friending, etc.

Blogger commenting

I know many of you are still unable to comment on blogs.   I had the same issue and it was beyond annoying.   The fix, at least for me and quite a few others was; when you get to the sign in page, unclick "remember me" and then enter your information.  I have not attempted to reclick it but i have been able to comment for the last few weeks on peoples blogs.  So do try it :)

"She Who Lived"

That is often how my husband and I refer to Emily.  It is made in fun because we love Harry Potter, but it is also so very true.    She is the one who lived.  She has often asked me "Why?"   "Why am I the only who lived?"  I don't have the answers to that, I never will.   She misses her sister so much, she misses the babies that we never had a chance to meet.   She misses what is supposed to be.

You're children are not supposed to die.   You're siblings are not supposed to die.   In a years time Emily has had her sister die, while her daddy was deployed, learned about miscarriages (2 of them), and then Great Grandma and a few weeks later Great Grandpa died.  So much loss at the tender age of 6.

She has her moments, all kids do.   Her moments are different sometimes because of grief, yet she is a child and grief isn't something that follows a child around forever.   Its something they think about, maybe cry about, and then they get up and they play and they grow. 

Grow she has.   She is this vibrant, funny, beautiful little girl that just melts my heart.  She amazes me with her reading and her math skills.  She loves to wear glasses and she looks so stinking adorable in them, it cracks me up.  She is loving and sweet, she can throw a tantrum like any other 6 year old.   She makes me smile everyday.  She makes me laugh everyday and like any other child, she makes me want to bang my head up against the wall!  

I just wanted to have a post of Emily pictures, lately I've taken some really adorable pictures and they make me laugh and smile and I love to see her grow into herself.

A heartbeat

Such a curious thing.  Something we all take for granted. We all just assume that our family members will be alive when you and they wake up. These things don't happen to me.
 No matter how hard I try, I cannot go to sleep without checking on Emily.  I have to place my hand on Emily's chest and feel her heart beat.  Feel it pounding away under my hand.  It doesn't matter that I saw her move, or saw her take a breath, until I feel that pounding I cannot go to sleep. 
Sometimes I can feel this baby move around all over inside of me, kick and punch, whatever they do in there and I know its alive but I get this fear that it no longer has a heartbeat.   It doesn't go away, it doesn't matter that I can feel it, I can't rest, or relax until i pull out my doppler and hear it.  I have to hear that thump thump thump or I can't get away from the fear.
I can remember so many times feeling Megan's heart just beating against my own while she would lay on my chest and cuddle.  She had a beautiful beating heart that morning.  Then she had a nap and no more beating heart.  No more rise of her chest.  No more Megan.  Gone.  Her body was there but the blood was no longer pumping through her body. 

It doesn't matter how many times I feared something would happen, its nothing you ever expect.   Hearts aren't just supposed to stop. 
I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate myself.  How did I let this happen? It has to be my fault.  I missed something.   Sometimes I can't even bear to look at myself.   Sometimes I stare  and try to come to terms with the knowing that I am and will forever be that person who is truly going thru every parents worse nightmare.  Sometimes I think about how I did everything I could, she was happy, she was healthy, she was loved and I did not fail her. 

Maybe having another baby wasn't the smartest idea I have had.  Some days I feel like it won't be so scary, so hard and others I don't know how I will manage.  I don't hold other peoples baby's anymore.  In some ways I feel like I'm bad luck.   I don't want to hold someone elses kid while I no longer hold mine.  The last baby I remember holding after Megan died, I could not relax.  I could not stop moving this child to make sure it was breathing, its heart beating.
I held my daughter in my arms, while her heart beat, and i also held her while it did not.  I held her in my arms and  I loved her with all that I am. 

I don't get it

I still cannot post on blogger comments.  It is doing the same thing as yesterday.  I choose the google option to comment, log in, get my hated captcha, proceed and straight back to the google sign in.  Over and over and over.  Im getting so beyond frustrated.  Is anyone else having this issue?
It appears to only be people that have certain commenting ways for lack of a better word.  If i comment at the bottom of a page instead of a window popping up or going to a new page to comment I'm  unable.  Its driving me crazy as you can see.  Crazy I tell you.

* seems to be a issue with those of you that require catpchas the most. 

Blast from the past

The blog I wrote the night my husband deployed in July 09.


Heartbreaking. Who knew all those worrys i had........... would be just the opposite and now I'm trying to desperately make sure people don't forget her.


Things change so quickly

Here it is 4am and I'm wide awake with tears streaming down my face. Both of my girls are asleep, content with all in the world. No real idea what this year will have in store for us. Michael has left for deployment number 2.

I spent the entire night watching him breathe, knowing it was the last time for a long time that I'd get to cuddle with him. Running my fingers through his hair, just touching him as much as I could. Barely closing my eyes because I just couldn't miss a second, hoping just maybe that if I didn't close my eyes this perfect day would never end. It was a perfect day, full of hugs and laughter.
It is so unbelievably hard to comprehend that yet again he will miss everything. There will be no first tooth from Megan, no walking Emily to her first day of kindergarten, no watching Megan take her first steps. They grow so fast and its just heartbreaking to know that he has to miss it all. Sure I can take pictures, I can email but its not the same. It will never be the same, you can never get those moments back.

I am lucky that this time I'm close to family, means I won't be able to hermeitize myself to much. This is my best friend, my confidante, my hero, my love and I can't imagine how tough this year will be. Already the well intentioned " I don't know how you can do this" comments have started. You do it because you have to do it. What are my options? I don't have options, I do it because it must be done, because its the cards we have been dealt.

My best friend, we've been through so much together. 13 years. We got together so young and we've never looked back, who will i talk to now? Who is going to step in and take over when I need a break. Its going to be a lonely year, because even though we will be able to talk some, you can't talk about downers, you can't talk about things that have gone wrong because what they do over there? Nothing, it'll just make them feel worse so you keep it, you cry to your girlfriends and you shout and scream in to your pillow hoping your children don't hear you and ask whats wrong.

How do you make sure that a 10 month old isn't going to forget her father? This isn't going to be like it was last time, last time the kid was older and could look at pictures and understood but didn't understand at the same time of what was going on. This time, this time I have to hear the heartbreaking sobs from a 5 year old because she doesn't remember waking up and telling dad bye. This time I have to experience every single one of Megan's majors firsts all by myself. I have to think of ways to tell Michael about them that won't make him to upset. How do you make sure a 10 month old doesn't forget?



I don't want him to go...

She didn't want him to go either.

 

 

Watching Fireworks with daddy.

Just hanging out

Safe in daddy's arms

My family

My Hearts.

I couldn't go on without my child

Something every single one of us suffering loss has heard.
You couldn't do it?

We don't have the choice not to. 
We are no stronger than you.
We don't suffer any less.
I do not feel inspirational.  I do not feel like my writing should/would/could give anyone hope or understanding.  I do not feel strong, I feel weak.  I feel lost, I feel pain that no person should ever have to endure.   I feel guilty, I feel like I didn't do enough.   I didn't do a good job, she died.  On my watch.  I can look at any family and wish that it was your child and not mine.  Not because I'm a perfect mother, but because I am not strong, I am human..  I could wish this upon my worst enemy, I could wish this upon a friend, I could wish this upon anyone if it gave me my daughter back. 

I could be the one who  remembers your child every day, I could be the one who find ways to honor your child, I could be the one who holds you and grieves with you and cries with you.  Then at the end of the day,  I could go home. I could grab my children into my arms and hold them close and breathe them in and thank God that this nightmare is not mine. 
Maybe you would  be more inspirational, maybe you would be able to handle this better.   What kind of person says that? One who has been thrown into the depths of darkness, one who is so lost and weary. 
You say I'm strong and I say I'm weak.   The person that I was when she was alive would never wish something like this upon another person.   I've changed.  I'm not innocent in life anymore.  I don't feel safe because I know now that at any moment anyone of us can die.  I know now that I can never think to myself that It won't happen to me.  I'm not safe.  No one is safe.

You can never imagine your life without your child until it has happened.  We all wish we could die, cease breathing at some point in this grief journey.  Feeling like you can't go on is inevitable.  It is part of grief, it is part of the process. 

You can't walk away from life.  I'm not a quitter but it doesn't make it easier.  I'm not going to take a pill that will numb my grief.   I do not always allow myself to grieve like I am today.  I embrace these feelings, this pain.  I know I am not abnormal.  I know that everything I feel and say is something, someone, somewhere else has thought and gone through as well. I say the things out loud others are to scared to say sometimes.
We aren't supposed to have these thoughts, these envious moments because your child is alive is and mine is not.  Grief doesn't allow tidy clean emotions. 

You don't have a choice to not go on on without your child.  Time doesn't stand still.  People move on and you have to as well.  You have to find hope, love and happiness again.  It will find you no matter where you are.  No matter how many times you push it away, it always creep in.   Accepting it is the hard part.   It is like riding a roller coaster, highs and lows.   Its scary at times.   One moment I'm writing a "How blessed I feel" post, a "Please help me honor Megan by donating post" and then a few days later I'm so low, so lost and angry and hurt that I can't stop crying.  I can't stop missing her.  I can't stop staring at her beautiful face even though my face is full of snot from crying so much.  

I am a person who is dealing with grief.   I am a person who writes because It helps me breathe, helps to know others are reading what I write.   Not because I'm inspirational, but because I'm real.  I'm real, and I'm human.  I and every other person in these "shoes" did not choose this.  We were like you, oblivious.  These things happen to other people.  Then it happens to you and your world is shattered.  Hope is shattered.

There are days where I can feel nothing but hope, happiness and love in my life, now.  There are days where I can think of Megan and feel so blessed that she was part of my life as short as it was.  I made her smile so much, I made her laugh.   The days are  more good than bad now.

Today is not that day.  Today I just want to hold her in my arms again.  I want to hold her close again.

***I'm editing to add something that was brought to my attention. It is not my intention to make this sound like I would bargain with the Devil to get her back. I'm simply putting something up that is not politically correct. This is not how we are supposed to behave, think. It comforts me to know others have dark thoughts, and I imagine it comforts others to know they are not alone. Whats done is done. We can't go back. Nothing can be changed. I just don't want others to feel alone like I did. I felt guilty for so long just because of my thoughts.  Feeling guilt over my daughters death is enough pain. 
I am in a better place now, which is why I can write about these things.  I just don't want people to feel alone or ashamed.
Just like I want others to know that it gets easier. Not the pain of losing them, not the grief, but the learning to accept happiness and hope again. That gets easier and with that life becomes easier.

Today is one of "those" days

I feel like I can do nothing but cry.
I don't want to be breathing.  I don't want to be alive and feeling this pain, but not feeling this pain will never happen.
Today the pain is just overwhelming my senses.  I'm sure the added hormonal influences from pregnancy are not helping. 
I'm tired.
Today is just one of those "I give up days".  I plan on doing nothing but crying because what choice do i have?  Today I need the tears and anger and grief.  I need to let it all out.
I miss my daughter so much.   I miss everything about her.  If these things are going to happen to people why can't they give us warning? I'm running out of new pictures to look at, everything is the same pictures.  I don't get anything new with her in it and I hate it.  I never get to hear her voice again, I never get to hold her close, I never get to see her grow up because its all been taken from me. 

I'm so blessed right?
Yeah. 
Today I'm just sad and its a heavy burden.  I want to lie on the floor and cry.  Today I want to scream and curse.  Today is a day to let the tears run freely.

I am blessed.

I am blessed.
I have a beautiful, sweet, vibrant daughter who is 6 1/2 years old.
I have a husband who has always stood by me, always been there for me.  My best friend in life.
I have family that is always there to pick me up when I fall.  I have family to wipe my tears when I cry.  
I have friends who listen, who know my pain.  I have people who love me and have never met me in real life.  People I can reach out to anytime of the day and say crazy things, hurtful things, how lost I am, how scared I am, how angry.   Dark moments are inevitable after losing a child.   Would I ever take my life?  No.  Have I thought about it? Who hasn't in some sort of way?  Who hasn't thought to themselves, "I don't have the strength to get up today?"  "Please God, I don't want to wake up anymore" There is always a  point in your grief where you don't know if you can get back up. 
Yet you do.  You will. 
I have always strived to be as honest as I possibly can in this blog. 
It doesn't mean I need drugs or doctors.   It is one person saying these feelings are normal.  They are part of grief.  They are part of this journey.  Some people immediately turn to God, some immediately turn away.  Some eventually find their way back.  The whole circle of life.  I cannot abide to think about my daughter, nothing but ashes, nothing but ashes underneath some dirt and without God, what else are you supposed to think?  I need the comfort, I need the hope.
How are you supposed to get over the anger?  I read blogs all the time that are so full of hope, forgiveness.  It just doesn't seem real because it isn't real to simply accept everything that happens. 
If i did not have moments of all this grief and anger and pain I would not be able to function.  I would not be able to move on, to rebuild.  

If I didn't feel, I would be dead inside.
I am not.  
I am blessed.  I spent 18 months with a special little girl who stole every ones heart.  I spent a lifetime with her.  Her lifetime.
I am blessed because to not be, would be to have never known her and that isn't something I can imagine. 
She filled my life with so much happiness, but there is other happiness out there and learning to accept it again, learning that its ok to be happy again is one of the hardest lessons anyone on this journey goes through. 
I am still me, I have always cried on a dime, I have always loved with all my heart.  

I realize that I may never feel complete again.  I realize that I  may never  feel  completely safe again.  A part of my heart is missing.  I am learning that it does get easier with time.  Not the missing Megan, not the pain or the hurt or the sadness.  But, learning that love and laughter is what makes  my life worth living and it  will never be in short supply.  Learning that the guilt that I will always carry will not always be in the front row of my  mind.  I have hope.  I have a little peace.  I know that I will be ok.  I know that my family will be ok.  It doesn't change the moments of anger and disbelief that yes, this actually really happened to me.
It really truly happened.   Its not a dream I will ever wake up from.

 Happy Mother's Day, to my friends and my family.  A special hug and prayer for those of us missing our mothers and our children.  I know my daughter and my mother are watching over me as I write this.  I know that this sadness I feel right now will not last all day.  I choose to accept this moment of pain so that I can laugh and play Guess Who with Emily later.

Megan Olivia Mcphee

Megan Olivia Mcphee  <<< this is the fundraising page I started for Megan.

For months I have agonized over wanting to do something to honor Megan's memory. Yesterday I found something that will just be perfect for us. Emily and I are walking for Team Megan! We are fundraising for "The Tears Foundation". A wonderful foundation that reaches out to those newly bereaved family's and aims to help with the financial aspect of their child's death.

The TEARS Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that seeks to compassionately lift a financial burden from families who have lost a baby by providing funds to assist with the cost of burial or cremation services.We believe that every baby's life deserves to be honored and memorialized in accordance with the grieving parents' wishes and are committed to helping bereaved parents with this experience.
We also believe that every grieving parent deserves access to ongoing bereavement support. Therefore, we also offer parents comprehensive bereavement care in the form of grief support groups and peer companions.

As soon as I read about this organization it became important to me to help. The TEARS Foundation's Rock & Walk sounded like such a perfect way to honor Megan. Close to home helps as well. I am still wading through the information on how I would start my own "Run for a reason" for the SUDC.org, but that will take lots of time and planning and simply I'm overwhelmed. I will need to reach out to friends that have done this before and get their help. For now, this walk has me so very excited. I've never been a good fundraiser kind of gal but should be a perfect place to start. This is important to me, losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. Being unable to pay for their funeral..... This organization helps, reaches out, takes people into their arms and gives such a small amount of peace to people hurting.

When I first started thinking about this, I let my insecurities take hold. "I don't want to do this unless someone else will do it with me." Took me about an hour to shake that and say "I am doing this, even if Emily and I do it alone." " We will walk, we will remember, and heck... we get tshirts with Megan's name on it. We will walk and we will remember.

So if you are able, any little bit helps. Thank you so much for your support. I'm so very excited :) and hopeful and proud.

What should I say?

After my last blog post, I have had many people tell me they just don't know what to say.

Saying nothing is worse.  There are some people out there that would rather just continue moving on but I have found that most of us "loss" mommies, want our children mentioned, remembered.

I do not want to sit and have a hour long cry fest remembering everything.  My intention is not to make you feel awkward.  

Yes, you very well might say something and catch me off guard and make my eyes water.  I would rather cry and remember than sit there in silence wondering if I'm the only one who thinks about her.  I like to hear her name.   You might say something, and I'll just smile and continue our conversation.  You might say something, and I might counter with a small little, "I remember.." or some other little memory or quirk. 
We could be in the middle of a conversation about the weather and you could casually say, "I remember Megan."  Then go on about the weather.  Its something so little that will mean so much to me.  Maybe this gets easier as more time goes by but right now I just want to scream.  "Why won't you say her name?"  

"I wish Megan was here to enjoy this."  "I saw the cutest little girl today and she really reminded me of Megan."  "Do you remember that time Megan bit Emily because she was mad?"  "I've never heard a laugh quite like Megan's"   "Megan."  "I found these beautiful flowers and really thought they'd be perfect for Megan's grave."   "I donated to the SUDC in memory of Megan."  "I've always thought it was so funny that Megan had those pretty brown eyes when no one else does."  "Trixie was soo good with Megan."  "Remember how much Megan loved to sneak up the stairs?"  "I saw a beautiful rainbow today and it made me think of Megan."  "I saw the cutest little shoes today and it made me remember how much Megan hated anything on her feet."  " I remember." "I think about her all the time"

I'm not going to make you talk about her.  I'm not going to burst out bawling because you mention her name.  I won't even make you explain your sentence.  I just want to hear her name.  It comforts me.  She may be gone but she's not forgotten.  There is only a couple of people I can count on to mention her name to me randomly. 

She is not a taboo subject.  Do you have questions?  Ask them.   People are usually naturally curious about any subject pertaining a child and death.  Ask, learn, share and remember.   I am a open book.  I don't hide myself.

It is important to me.   Its all I have.

What do you mean I can't go up the stairs?