Figured I'd post a quick update since its been awhile.
I have taken a small break from writing and being on the computer, trying to limit my time right now and just being busy.
I miss Megan. I am 29 weeks pregnant and things seem to be going fine. I failed my 1 hour glucose test by 5 points and then took the 3 hour and passed with flying colors. There is nothing quite like the fear of being told "OMG i can no longer eat ice cream and chocolate" to shake things up in the pregnancy world. Thankfully all was good.
I wonder how things will be when this baby comes. I wonder if I will be able to relax and just enjoy it or if all the fears I feel now will be so overpowering that I end up getting locked up in the looney bin. I'm still having my thoughts of wanting to do things differently. I've decided no matter what I'll still breastfeed even though I was on the fence for awhile, but I love it so much, I can't give up that bond. Sleeping with baby is really on the fence, I just don't know. I've never been able to sleep without them close and now that Megan died sleeping ALONE I simply don't know what to do. In one way I want to almost not connect as closely to this baby as I did with the girls, so that maybe, if and when it dies it won't hurt so much. I know how silly it sounds but you can't really stop the thoughts from coming. I've also still been looking for a job but I'm obviously quite unattractive in the job market since I haven't worked since 2003 and I have no skills. I think If I could find one, I would likely keep it after baby as well and put baby in daycare which I've never ever contemplated doing with any of the other kids. Yet, I do not want to be the one who finds a dead child again, I do not want to be the one who has to hold a lifeless child and call 911 and give CPR.
Since, I don't seem to have any job prospects and etc I don't see anything changing anytime soon.