Thursday, July 7, 2011

I'm alive

Figured I'd post a quick update since its been awhile.  
I have taken a small break from writing and being on the computer, trying to limit my time right now and just being busy. 
I miss Megan.  I am 29 weeks pregnant and things seem to be going fine.  I failed my 1 hour glucose test by 5 points and then took the 3 hour and passed with flying colors.  There is nothing quite like the fear of being told "OMG i can no longer eat ice cream and chocolate" to shake things up in the pregnancy world.  Thankfully all was good. 

I wonder how things will be when this baby comes.  I wonder if I will be able to relax and just enjoy it or if all the fears I feel now will be so overpowering that I end up getting locked up in the looney bin.   I'm still having my thoughts of wanting to do things differently.   I've decided no matter what I'll still breastfeed even though I was on the fence for awhile, but I love it so much, I can't give up that bond.   Sleeping with baby is really on the fence, I just don't know.  I've never been able to sleep without them close and now that Megan died sleeping ALONE I simply don't know what to do.   In one way I want to almost not connect as closely to this baby as I did with the girls, so that maybe, if and when it dies it won't hurt so much.   I know how silly it sounds but you can't really stop the thoughts from coming.    I've also still been looking for a job but I'm obviously quite unattractive in the job market since I haven't worked since 2003 and I have no skills.  I think If I could find one, I would likely keep it after baby as well and put baby in daycare which I've never ever contemplated doing with any of the other kids.  Yet, I do not want to be the one who finds a dead child again, I do not want to be the one who has to hold a lifeless child and call 911 and give CPR. 

Since, I don't seem to have any job prospects and etc I don't see anything changing anytime soon.  


BellaSteph said...

I know how you feel about not being able to write. I am at a real loss for words lately. This pregnancy has me on a crazy roller coaster of emotions. I don't know whether to happy, sad, mad, excited.. Also the job thing I know you haven't worked in a while but that doesn't mean no one will hire you. I do medical billing which some places allow you to do part time or even full time from home. A job like this would allow you to stay home with baby at least part of the time.

I am going to put a bassinet next to my bed for this baby like I did with Gavin. I am thinking about getting a co-sleeper though. I just know I will never be able to sleep as I will need to watch each breath this baby takes. God I hope both you and I will be able to sleep at some point. I have been thinking about you and Megan. xoxo

marisa said...

I have been thinking of you and am so happy that your pregnancy is going well. I wish you luck on your job search. Just remember that any company would be lucky to have you.


brennafarmer said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way Jenny. I really hope once baby comes you will be able to relax and just fully enjoying loving on him or her. You're a great mom and I'm sure your natural insticts will kick in and override the fear. I'm sure you will still worry, but hopefully not at the expense of being able to bond. I'm so excited to find out what baby's packing!! LOL

michelle said...

We had Jack in a bassinet with wheels so we could cart him around everywhere, Codie and I took shifts watching him, at the time I was thinking as he got older we would have done the same thing with a crib with wheels and Codie's family to help watch so Codie could work. I am happy too that your pregnancy is going good. Well Wishes