I have often wondered why I don't see many people write about the depth of pain they still feel even over a year or years. Time passes by but the hurt never goes away. I think I'm starting to see the reason. We don't want to share anymore. Its not that we don't hurt, that our pain isn't still overwhelming, but we are tired. Every single time I share some of my grief, give someone a glimpse of my pain that I still feel and will feel forever. I get the, "I hope you are seeing a grief counselor." Effectively shutting me down and letting me know you don't want to hear about it anymore. You are over it. You know you can't fix this so lets just back to the new normal where we only talk about other stuff.
Thats why grief changes. I find myself holding in my sadness much more than I used to. I want to share, I want to write but I'm tired. Why is a grief counselor every ones cure all? I don't want to talk to someone who does not know me. I am a functioning, thriving person. I enjoy life again, my daughter is not suffering because I cry now and then. She is well taken care of, as will the new baby be. My sadness however is still valid. My 18 month old daughter died. She died.
My children are my world. I had no idea before this happened that I would be able to go on, to carry on and function and be happy. I held her in my arms and I loved her with all I am. It hurts me when people go out of their way to not mention her . She was here. I had such a short lifetime with her, that it isn't fair to not mention her. Maybe it was so others around us wouldn't ask questions but I'm far enough in my grief now that I can tell people a short synopsis of her story without crying.
This baby isn't a fix it all. I will not be miraculously cured of my grief and sadness when its born. Will it help? I'm sure it will but it will not cure me. It doesn't replace her. I know I will love this baby like I have loved my girls, but now the fears that are valid are so strong. I'm no longer that carefree mom. I have suffered every parents worst fear. I'm about to do it all over. When your child hits a year we all just let out this huge sigh of relief. I don't get to do that. I should have an almost 3 year old but instead I'm starting all the way over and I'm scared.
People don't know what to say. I wrote about the sadness I was feeling the other day in one of my online groups and a friend said this. "I always think that when you grieve, not only do you have your own anguish, but you also have to help other people who don't know what to say or how to act. It's like you have to deal with what you are struggling through, and still be a help to everyone else who doesn't know what to say." It is such a true statement. I just want to be able to talk about her. I want people to know that when I say "I'm sad." Its because of her, because I miss her and that is the simplest way for me to say it. I feel like shutting down sharing because this is how I cope. I want people, like me, to read and understand that what you are feeling is normal. I want people to know that it doesn't end even when the depth of pain is no longer wrote about. Grief changes, it gets easier to handle as the days go by. Yet its also harder to acknowledge it with the time passing by because people figure you should be over it. You were normal yesterday, happy and laughing.
Its the little things that set you on a remembrance journey. For me it was someone I respect not wanting to mention her and that pregnancy. I also can't stop looking at the picture of Megan I took when I brought her in to the ER. 8 days before she died. Why did no one see it, why were there no clues. She was there, they should have caught it, this damn whatever that took her away from me. (Picture is below)
I hurt because I love her.
I miss her. If I was struggling to live life, then thats when you mention grief counselors. If I make it clear I didn't want to talk about her then thats when you stop mentioning her. Now? I'm ok. I want her mentioned. Even if its just a fly by.
This new baby deserves to be ahhhhed and oooghhed over but It is so hard for me to completely accept that. It feels like I'm accepting the fact that no one will mention her anymore. No one comes out and says this baby is her replacement but I can't help but feeling that when you don't say her name. I can only count on a few people to say her name. Emily being one. She is also the only one I want to share because some of those that never mention her are people that should before anyone else.
My grief is no longer suffocating, but it is still there. I don't need people to fix it, I just need you to listen and to care. I don't share as much as I used to. It makes people uncomfortable after what already feels like a long time. This is my new normal. It is ok for the most part, but sometimes..... I need to cry, I need to hurt. I need to sob and scream about the unfairness of it all. I need to know that her memory lives on, that people won't forget her. I have 2 girls. I promise I won't break when mention her, remember her.
I am always wowed when friends write her name in the sand for me. It is something that I never really expected to take off but so many people do it for me. My 2 good friends made shirts recently to run a race to remember Megan. Crowns and tutus. My cousin Erin runs marathons with her picture on her back. I do know people think of her and remember her, but why does it feel like the people closest to me don't? Every single thing people do to remember her humbles me. Taking pictures of her name in the sand, in blocks, in grass, wherever you find her name... etc its perfect. I appreciate it so much. I miss my girl. I miss what was. I know that people remember her but sometimes its hard and sometimes the pain overwhelms and I don't see everything that people do to remember.