Saturday, December 31, 2011

The end of the holiday season

Thank God.

I'm so ready for it all be over and done with.  I'm so done with love and the happiness and the sadness and I am just done.

2 years is coming up soon.  In less than 3 months, she will have been gone for 2 years.   How can it be 2 years already?  Its not fair.

The anger I am feeling today is just overwhelming me.  I'm super pissed that this happened to me.  I am so angry and I feel so unsure of myself and my parenting now.  How could I have done everything that I thought was so right and she died, she died and I'm here picking up the pieces all by myself. 
This is the punishment of grief.  I/we are alone in this grief, this madness. Does that even make sense? Probably not.
 I hate that I've moved on, I realize that If I don't move on, then I will never again feel happiness and joy... but that doesn't make it any easier. 
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those first few months, to feel that grief again because no matter how sad or how much I miss her the pain is nothing like it was then.  I know that it sounds ridiculous but there are just so many times that I wish I could just wrap myself in that grief again because those tears.. that pain... it somehow proves to myself how much I love her. 

Everyone else seems to move on so easily, its not that they don't say her name or remember her (though it feels that way to me sometimes). Its that I feel like I can't breathe still, I can't believe that she is gone and this really truly happened.  I have finally stopped calling Amanda, Megan.  She is finally her own separate person.  There is nothing more comforting than holding her in  my arms.  Nuzzling that sweet spot in the back of their neck.  Just breathing her in.  Watching her breathe, seeing her breathe, feeling her breathe. Just breathe baby, don't stop breathing.  I don't think I could take it, but I find myself thinking, ya you would.  You would just move on, like you have moved on after her and its like seriously?  Why am I thinking this way? I can't.  I won't.  I could not survive another death.
There is so much  joy but there is so much fear.  I feel like I have a little better of control on my 'crazy' now, but it isn't easy.  Its a struggle.  I know that she will sleep in her arms reach cosleeper just fine at night.  I know that I would enjoy sleeping on my stomach again for a few hours.  As soon as I talk myself into it, I talk myself out of it.   Lately I've even been putting her in the bassinet.  I will lie so that my face is even with her face.  Yet I cannot go to sleep. I feel this ache and the fear and I can't breathe.  The anxiety.  The fear of another child passing all alone is so overwhelming that after 20 minutes I pull her back into my arms. 
The crazy that is better is that I no longer wake every 20 minutes with the knowledge she is dead.  However I still have to check that she is breathing multiple times of the night but it isn't as heartbreaking as it used to be.  It almost feels normal.  My heart isn't beating out my chest in panic, but there is no ignoring the need. I have to feel her heart pounding away, her chest rising with each breath before I can fall back asleep for the 20th time of the night. 

There are times where she will fall asleep upset, not wanting to nurse, just wanting her pacifier and it devastates me.  Sometimes I think its ok, this is good she fell asleep without having to nurse.... shes asleep that's all that matters.  Then I think of Megan.   Its all I wanted her to do as well. I was mad when I wanted her go to sleep, she wouldn't leave me alone and she was fussy and I just needed a few minutes to myself.
How can I ever let her fall asleep and have her think I'm mad at her?  How can I let her sleep alone with me being upset that she won't nurse and won't  shush with her crying and boy oh boy this kid can cry!? How can she just lie there, content sucking that pacifier when so many emotions are whirling around me?
So i jostle her a bit so that she opens her eyes, I pick her up and hold her.  Content because now she knows I love her, she knows that she is in my arms.  Crazy right? Sounds crazy to me.


Melissa said...

But you haven't really moved on, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling this anger and guilt. We'll never really move on, their deaths just become less present in our ever busy lives.

I do the same thing with my rainbow Alexa - I breathe her in, I watch her breathe. When I do this I think to myself that if this is the last time I see her alive then I'll know I'll have had these moments. Currently my Alexa has a cold and I'm not handling it well. It's like I'm convinced this is going to kill her. I've been crying on and off. :(

I don't think you're crazy for checking on her constantly. Whatever you need to get through the night! I'm the opposite however... I rock her to sleep, getting impatient if she doesn't go right away, and then when I am mentally willing her to sleep I feel like I have to put caveats on my thoughts. "Go to sleep!" "Go to sleep for the night, not forever.... and wake up in 7 hours." I think my Alexa would be up all night if I was touching her like you are.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Grief and ALL of the everything that comes along with losing a child feels like a punishment. I cannot figure out what the hell we are being punished for but it is punishment for sure. In addition to just missing my baby all day (and night) every day, I feel resentful of friends and family, I am ill equipped to work, and I am aghast that there is nothing anyone can do to help me feel better....ever. I look forward to some respite but know I will feel just like you do and wish for the horrible days to come back, even though right now I would love to numb out and can't. I'm sorry you are going through all of this, just like I am sorry for myself and any other momma that has to feel this pain.

Ava's mummy said...

What you say about wanting to go back to the raw early days of grief because it proves how much you loved Megan really resonates with me. I want to be able to wallow in grief like I did then but I don't feel I can now. Life moves on and I don't want it to but I know it will regardless.

Wishing you gentleness. xxx

marisa said...

I cen relate to you feeling the need to feel that intese greif once again. Even though Bella has only been gone for 9 months, I feel guilty that I am back at work and back in a routine. I wonder if she is looking at me thinking that I have forgotten her. Yet, the truth is we never forget, how could we. Instead we just try to go on day after day.

Ashley said...

I have felt ALL of this. I think its normal. I still wake up in panic mold that my new baby isn't breathing. I have to sleep with him because I have to have my hand on his belly to feel it move up and down. It sucks that I am that way but I mean after what we have been through it seems logical to me.

I hope that things get better. I love reading your blog, thanks for sharing and being so open about your feelings.

Jordan said...

This post made me so sad, but I have felt everything you are feeling too. I feel so guilty for moving on or trying to be happy and find joy again. Im sure if I hadn't had other children, I wouldn't really care if I was ever happy again. I was in bed with Tess when she died so I am terrified to sleep with Saylor. He hasnt slept good on his own so I sleep with him lots of nights sitting upright in a recliner. How crazy is that? Like that is more safe than my bed. Sometimes I feel like I am a total lunatic. The night that Tess died, she was on my last nerve and wouldnt go to sleep so we let her cry herself to sleep. I laid her by my husband and he said the last thought that he had about her ever was that he just wished she would stop crying so he could get some sleep. (had to get up at 5am for work and this was about 2) We will always feel so guilty about that. Always. I check on Saylor constantly as well. I walk up to him and sometimes I am actually surprised when he is breathing. How insane is that? If anyone else is in the house, I will beg them to go check on him. I have such a fear of walking in and finding him dead. This kind of torture that we go through is not fair and just writing this makes me so pissed. We should not have to feel like this. SUCKS!!!!!! Thinking of you.