The last month

I have had 3 people reach out to me and my heart just breaks for all of them.  3 children who have passed away in the last 2 months.  A 15 month old little boy, A 21 month old little girl, and a 13 month old little girl.   Heartbreaking, to have so many losses this close to the holidays.  Any loss is heartbreaking but it always seems more depressing when you have so many other people blissfully unaware. 

I am always humbled to have people reach out to me, I am so thankful that this blog reaches people and helps give comfort.  I know that when Megan died, it seemed like so many blogs, were fake and outdated they all just stopped writing after awhile.  Fake as in they were so full of hope and faith and that isn't something a lot of us have in the beginning.  You may find that later on, but in the beginning you are angry and you are full of guilt and the sadness is so overwhelming that you just pray that you will not wake up tomorrow.   You cry yourself to sleep every day, you cry at the drop of a hat.  You cry so much that your face no longer gets red when you cry.  
Where was all the pain? The anger?  So when I started writing, I wanted to make sure that was something I shared.  We all do it, we all think this couldn't happen to me but it can.  Writing is one way for me share the pain, to help people emphasize with us.

It breaks my heart that so many children are gone so soon.  It shouldn't be this way. This isn't the plan we had for them. 

I'm still finding my way, trying to figure out how to blog when I'm so conflicted.  Having Amanda did not fix everything, we always knew that.  No rainbows fix all the pain but they really do help.  Right now she is sitting on my chest while i type this, sleeping, content, safe in my arms.   I keep kissing the top of her head and just brushing my cheek against her fuzzy head.  Something i so desperately missed about Megan.  I miss her so much.  Sometimes I think to myself, Amanda you wouldn't be here if Megan had died, but now I just think to myself how much I wish I had all 3.  I can imagine myself with a 7year old, 3 year old and 3 month old.   Only, Amanda will never get to know Megan except through us.  

I'm still finding my balance.  I'm still perfecting my answer to the question, "How many kids do you have? "  Sometimes I let people assume that Emily and Amanda are it, but if they start asking anything about them I tend to quickly let them know about Megan.  I just pop it out there, I also have another daughter who died at 18 months. Sometimes they ask about her and sometimes they just move on in the conversation after saying their "sorrys'.  Both are ok.