Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I couldn't go on without my child

Something every single one of us suffering loss has heard.
You couldn't do it?

We don't have the choice not to. 
We are no stronger than you.
We don't suffer any less.
I do not feel inspirational.  I do not feel like my writing should/would/could give anyone hope or understanding.  I do not feel strong, I feel weak.  I feel lost, I feel pain that no person should ever have to endure.   I feel guilty, I feel like I didn't do enough.   I didn't do a good job, she died.  On my watch.  I can look at any family and wish that it was your child and not mine.  Not because I'm a perfect mother, but because I am not strong, I am human..  I could wish this upon my worst enemy, I could wish this upon a friend, I could wish this upon anyone if it gave me my daughter back. 

I could be the one who  remembers your child every day, I could be the one who find ways to honor your child, I could be the one who holds you and grieves with you and cries with you.  Then at the end of the day,  I could go home. I could grab my children into my arms and hold them close and breathe them in and thank God that this nightmare is not mine. 
Maybe you would  be more inspirational, maybe you would be able to handle this better.   What kind of person says that? One who has been thrown into the depths of darkness, one who is so lost and weary. 
You say I'm strong and I say I'm weak.   The person that I was when she was alive would never wish something like this upon another person.   I've changed.  I'm not innocent in life anymore.  I don't feel safe because I know now that at any moment anyone of us can die.  I know now that I can never think to myself that It won't happen to me.  I'm not safe.  No one is safe.

You can never imagine your life without your child until it has happened.  We all wish we could die, cease breathing at some point in this grief journey.  Feeling like you can't go on is inevitable.  It is part of grief, it is part of the process. 

You can't walk away from life.  I'm not a quitter but it doesn't make it easier.  I'm not going to take a pill that will numb my grief.   I do not always allow myself to grieve like I am today.  I embrace these feelings, this pain.  I know I am not abnormal.  I know that everything I feel and say is something, someone, somewhere else has thought and gone through as well. I say the things out loud others are to scared to say sometimes.
We aren't supposed to have these thoughts, these envious moments because your child is alive is and mine is not.  Grief doesn't allow tidy clean emotions. 

You don't have a choice to not go on on without your child.  Time doesn't stand still.  People move on and you have to as well.  You have to find hope, love and happiness again.  It will find you no matter where you are.  No matter how many times you push it away, it always creep in.   Accepting it is the hard part.   It is like riding a roller coaster, highs and lows.   Its scary at times.   One moment I'm writing a "How blessed I feel" post, a "Please help me honor Megan by donating post" and then a few days later I'm so low, so lost and angry and hurt that I can't stop crying.  I can't stop missing her.  I can't stop staring at her beautiful face even though my face is full of snot from crying so much.  

I am a person who is dealing with grief.   I am a person who writes because It helps me breathe, helps to know others are reading what I write.   Not because I'm inspirational, but because I'm real.  I'm real, and I'm human.  I and every other person in these "shoes" did not choose this.  We were like you, oblivious.  These things happen to other people.  Then it happens to you and your world is shattered.  Hope is shattered.

There are days where I can feel nothing but hope, happiness and love in my life, now.  There are days where I can think of Megan and feel so blessed that she was part of my life as short as it was.  I made her smile so much, I made her laugh.   The days are  more good than bad now.

Today is not that day.  Today I just want to hold her in my arms again.  I want to hold her close again.

***I'm editing to add something that was brought to my attention. It is not my intention to make this sound like I would bargain with the Devil to get her back. I'm simply putting something up that is not politically correct. This is not how we are supposed to behave, think. It comforts me to know others have dark thoughts, and I imagine it comforts others to know they are not alone. Whats done is done. We can't go back. Nothing can be changed. I just don't want others to feel alone like I did. I felt guilty for so long just because of my thoughts.  Feeling guilt over my daughters death is enough pain. 
I am in a better place now, which is why I can write about these things.  I just don't want people to feel alone or ashamed.
Just like I want others to know that it gets easier. Not the pain of losing them, not the grief, but the learning to accept happiness and hope again. That gets easier and with that life becomes easier.

14 comments:

marisa said...

I was one of those people who said that I would die if anything ever happened to my child. I am still standing yet dieing on the inside and have given up on happiness. Your readers appreciate your honest emotions because we experience it with you each and everyday.

Susan said...

Big tight hug to you my sweetheart. I am so, so sorry. It is shit. It is not fair. Scream all you like - do what ever you need.

However, I do thing you're falling into that trap of bargaining with the Devil... it sort of reads like, would I give up a limb? Would I rather my husband died? Would I swap Megan for someone else's child? Would I wish this on my best friend if I could have my Megan back?

Please don't torture yourself. You're not a bad person for wanting your daughter above anythign or anyone else. There isn't a parent out there who feels differently. But don't torture yourself with this game... because it will only make you feel shit. They aren't real options. You can' have her back, and playing what if won't change that.

I remember Catherine asking me why she needed her car seat done up - and I remember my words... "because if anything happened to you, I'd lose my life". That's what I told her.

For a long while I used to feel guilty (or amazed or both) that in fact I had continued to breathe. Sometimes I even laugh or feel hopeful.. But the truth is - I have lost my life too. That Mummy is gone....

Sending you much love from Scotland tonight. I have lit a little pink candle here in Edinburgh for Megan.

Jenny said...

Does it really read that way Susan? Its not at all what I intended. I know whats done is done. There is no going back. There are no second chances.

It just seems that so many people don't actually put that out there, worrying what people might think of them. Its normal, it comforts me to know that its normal. I've had so many thoughts and I would feel so alone because what kind of person thinks like that? What kind of person could so easily wish this pain on someone else? I know its the truth, I know many friends that have stated the same to me but when they write on their blogs or facebook, its I would never wish this on someone. Thats what is politically correct. Thats what makes us good people, but its not 100% real. I don't want people to feel alone in these dark thoughts, because they aren't. I'm in a much much better place than I was a year ago. But i still have my bad days.

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) i understand how you are feeling. i have cringed myself when i hear people tell me that i am strong. and tell me some of the things that you posted. i do get angry. i want my boy back. i don't want to be anyone's inspiration, or anyone's role model. i want to be a mother to a little boy who was here just 7 mo ago, and now he's not. he was my everything. some days i do appreciate the kind words that people say, but some days i'm just downright mad. :'(

michelle said...

Reading these blogs have told me that I am not going crazy with all my thoughts, contimplating and my emotions.

Mary said...

I second what Tiffany said. I am NOT strong. I survive because I am expected too. I've often wondered how momma's like you do it...even though my daughter died, I know its different for you. You got to know Megan, see her laugh, smile, grow only to have her ripped away too soon. You may not want to be an inspiration but you are. Hugs to you momma...there is nothing wrong with wising you had her back.

Amy D said...

Jenny, you give words to the unspeakable. You are so honest with what goes through your head, even if it's not considered politically correct.

I'm not thankful that Megan died, but am I glad that it wasn't my child? Of course I am. Who wouldn't be? I think a lot of people look for ways that it can't happen to them.

When my kids got past the threat of SIDS, I figured it was done. They can't get SIDS, so we are okay. I think you have said the same thing. Then you found out that there are threats that you/ we don't even know about.

I'm sorry that you are the one that has had to teach me to hold my kids a little tighter and to love them a little more and to stare into their eyes a lot longer. I'm sorry that we live in a broken world that breaks people with it.

I'm sorry that it was you, I'm sorry that it was Megan and I wish that none of us would ever have to endure this kind of pain.

And again, thank you for giving words to the unspeakable.

BellaSteph said...

It is so crazy you titled your entry that. I swear to God I was sitting at my desk today thinking of that line. Before Gavin died I thought if any of my kids ever die I would too. Little did I know. I am not sure how I am alive still but I am. Or why either for that matter. I am sorry you are having an extra hard day. XXXXXX

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Everything you wrote, I feel...I would do anything to get him back, even if only for a second. Somedays I feel like I can't go on without him...it hurts too bad...I feel like I can't handle him being gone...but somehow I am, slowly getting through these rough days.

Thinking of you!! ((Hugs))

lissasue3 said...

(((hugs)))

Ava's mummy said...

I too feel weak yet others say I am so strong. I'm not, I just have to go on for the sake of Ava's twin sister. All you have said resonates so strongly with me.

Sending love and gentleness as always. Ax

Anonymous said...

Im a grandma and I lost Breonna.She was only four and her mother let her boyfriend abuse my baby girl and the are both waiting for their trial for murdering her.I know about the cant breath cant sleep cry every day.I went to the house it happened and got her clothes toys and baby scrap book that I helped put togrther.I didnt know and Im suffering with all this guilt ..what if why didnt I If I only knew and nothing helps me she is gone before this guy I had her more than my daughter .She left she hid she lied and now Im left here to cry tears for someone Ill never see again.No one can say anything to help the hurt .Yhey try but like you all know there is nothing you can say.I blame myself I blame her I blame him but It doesnt help the fact that she is gone Im never gonna see Breonna again and I hate them for doing this and taking the most beautiful little girl away from me and my family.Ive even prayed to God to let her come here and he could take me so my family can get on with there own lives.I could go on forever and tell you what a bright beautiful baby she was.Thats where I have my problem.Was.She has a part of my heart noone will ever be able to touch.Its the hardest thing Ive ever experienced but I will not let go of her memory.I pray for all parents who loose a baby it is to hard to do by yourself there is no thing anyone can do to help the hurt.All I have now is four years of memories and I will hold it till I meet her again.Love you little Angel

Ashcroft, Mills, Harper, Wright, Page said...

I loved your post. My 8 year old daughter passed away in Sept. 1999 and then I lost my 23 year old son in 2005.
I still get the comment to this day, "you are so strong" I'm not any stronger than anyone else, I have no choice.
I don't even know how I found your blog, I do know that you said everything I have felt all these years. Thankyou..
Cindy

Anonymous said...

My beautiful baby girl Taya Marie passed away 18 weeks ago today, she was 2 1/2. I am so glad to know my feelings and thoughts are normal. I have lost my faith, am so angry and hate this life, I dont want to go on without her bcuz nothin matters to me anymore. I have three older children so I am just existing for them but life as I knew it has ceased, thank goodness for a great husband that is so strong even though Taya was his whole world, he is a rock for my children and I..thank u for your post