Something every single one of us suffering loss has heard.
You couldn't do it?
We don't have the choice not to.
We are no stronger than you.
We don't suffer any less.
I do not feel inspirational. I do not feel like my writing should/would/could give anyone hope or understanding. I do not feel strong, I feel weak. I feel lost, I feel pain that no person should ever have to endure. I feel guilty, I feel like I didn't do enough. I didn't do a good job, she died. On my watch. I can look at any family and wish that it was your child and not mine. Not because I'm a perfect mother, but because I am not strong, I am human.. I could wish this upon my worst enemy, I could wish this upon a friend, I could wish this upon anyone if it gave me my daughter back.
I could be the one who remembers your child every day, I could be the one who find ways to honor your child, I could be the one who holds you and grieves with you and cries with you. Then at the end of the day, I could go home. I could grab my children into my arms and hold them close and breathe them in and thank God that this nightmare is not mine.
Maybe you would be more inspirational, maybe you would be able to handle this better. What kind of person says that? One who has been thrown into the depths of darkness, one who is so lost and weary.
You say I'm strong and I say I'm weak. The person that I was when she was alive would never wish something like this upon another person. I've changed. I'm not innocent in life anymore. I don't feel safe because I know now that at any moment anyone of us can die. I know now that I can never think to myself that It won't happen to me. I'm not safe. No one is safe.
You can never imagine your life without your child until it has happened. We all wish we could die, cease breathing at some point in this grief journey. Feeling like you can't go on is inevitable. It is part of grief, it is part of the process.
You can't walk away from life. I'm not a quitter but it doesn't make it easier. I'm not going to take a pill that will numb my grief. I do not always allow myself to grieve like I am today. I embrace these feelings, this pain. I know I am not abnormal. I know that everything I feel and say is something, someone, somewhere else has thought and gone through as well. I say the things out loud others are to scared to say sometimes.
We aren't supposed to have these thoughts, these envious moments because your child is alive is and mine is not. Grief doesn't allow tidy clean emotions.
You don't have a choice to not go on on without your child. Time doesn't stand still. People move on and you have to as well. You have to find hope, love and happiness again. It will find you no matter where you are. No matter how many times you push it away, it always creep in. Accepting it is the hard part. It is like riding a roller coaster, highs and lows. Its scary at times. One moment I'm writing a "How blessed I feel" post, a "Please help me honor Megan by donating post" and then a few days later I'm so low, so lost and angry and hurt that I can't stop crying. I can't stop missing her. I can't stop staring at her beautiful face even though my face is full of snot from crying so much.
I am a person who is dealing with grief. I am a person who writes because It helps me breathe, helps to know others are reading what I write. Not because I'm inspirational, but because I'm real. I'm real, and I'm human. I and every other person in these "shoes" did not choose this. We were like you, oblivious. These things happen to other people. Then it happens to you and your world is shattered. Hope is shattered.
There are days where I can feel nothing but hope, happiness and love in my life, now. There are days where I can think of Megan and feel so blessed that she was part of my life as short as it was. I made her smile so much, I made her laugh. The days are more good than bad now.
Today is not that day. Today I just want to hold her in my arms again. I want to hold her close again.
***I'm editing to add something that was brought to my attention. It is not my intention to make this sound like I would bargain with the Devil to get her back. I'm simply putting something up that is not politically correct. This is not how we are supposed to behave, think. It comforts me to know others have dark thoughts, and I imagine it comforts others to know they are not alone. Whats done is done. We can't go back. Nothing can be changed. I just don't want others to feel alone like I did. I felt guilty for so long just because of my thoughts. Feeling guilt over my daughters death is enough pain.
I am in a better place now, which is why I can write about these things. I just don't want people to feel alone or ashamed.
Just like I want others to know that it gets easier. Not the pain of losing them, not the grief, but the learning to accept happiness and hope again. That gets easier and with that life becomes easier.