I have a beautiful, sweet, vibrant daughter who is 6 1/2 years old.
I have a husband who has always stood by me, always been there for me. My best friend in life.
I have family that is always there to pick me up when I fall. I have family to wipe my tears when I cry.
I have friends who listen, who know my pain. I have people who love me and have never met me in real life. People I can reach out to anytime of the day and say crazy things, hurtful things, how lost I am, how scared I am, how angry. Dark moments are inevitable after losing a child. Would I ever take my life? No. Have I thought about it? Who hasn't in some sort of way? Who hasn't thought to themselves, "I don't have the strength to get up today?" "Please God, I don't want to wake up anymore" There is always a point in your grief where you don't know if you can get back up.
Yet you do. You will.
I have always strived to be as honest as I possibly can in this blog.
It doesn't mean I need drugs or doctors. It is one person saying these feelings are normal. They are part of grief. They are part of this journey. Some people immediately turn to God, some immediately turn away. Some eventually find their way back. The whole circle of life. I cannot abide to think about my daughter, nothing but ashes, nothing but ashes underneath some dirt and without God, what else are you supposed to think? I need the comfort, I need the hope.
How are you supposed to get over the anger? I read blogs all the time that are so full of hope, forgiveness. It just doesn't seem real because it isn't real to simply accept everything that happens.
If i did not have moments of all this grief and anger and pain I would not be able to function. I would not be able to move on, to rebuild.
If I didn't feel, I would be dead inside.
I am not.
I am blessed. I spent 18 months with a special little girl who stole every ones heart. I spent a lifetime with her. Her lifetime.
I am blessed because to not be, would be to have never known her and that isn't something I can imagine.
She filled my life with so much happiness, but there is other happiness out there and learning to accept it again, learning that its ok to be happy again is one of the hardest lessons anyone on this journey goes through.
I am still me, I have always cried on a dime, I have always loved with all my heart.
I realize that I may never feel complete again. I realize that I may never feel completely safe again. A part of my heart is missing. I am learning that it does get easier with time. Not the missing Megan, not the pain or the hurt or the sadness. But, learning that love and laughter is what makes my life worth living and it will never be in short supply. Learning that the guilt that I will always carry will not always be in the front row of my mind. I have hope. I have a little peace. I know that I will be ok. I know that my family will be ok. It doesn't change the moments of anger and disbelief that yes, this actually really happened to me.
It really truly happened. Its not a dream I will ever wake up from.