Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A heartbeat

Such a curious thing.  Something we all take for granted. We all just assume that our family members will be alive when you and they wake up. These things don't happen to me.
 No matter how hard I try, I cannot go to sleep without checking on Emily.  I have to place my hand on Emily's chest and feel her heart beat.  Feel it pounding away under my hand.  It doesn't matter that I saw her move, or saw her take a breath, until I feel that pounding I cannot go to sleep. 
Sometimes I can feel this baby move around all over inside of me, kick and punch, whatever they do in there and I know its alive but I get this fear that it no longer has a heartbeat.   It doesn't go away, it doesn't matter that I can feel it, I can't rest, or relax until i pull out my doppler and hear it.  I have to hear that thump thump thump or I can't get away from the fear.
I can remember so many times feeling Megan's heart just beating against my own while she would lay on my chest and cuddle.  She had a beautiful beating heart that morning.  Then she had a nap and no more beating heart.  No more rise of her chest.  No more Megan.  Gone.  Her body was there but the blood was no longer pumping through her body. 

It doesn't matter how many times I feared something would happen, its nothing you ever expect.   Hearts aren't just supposed to stop. 
I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I hate myself.  How did I let this happen? It has to be my fault.  I missed something.   Sometimes I can't even bear to look at myself.   Sometimes I stare  and try to come to terms with the knowing that I am and will forever be that person who is truly going thru every parents worse nightmare.  Sometimes I think about how I did everything I could, she was happy, she was healthy, she was loved and I did not fail her. 

Maybe having another baby wasn't the smartest idea I have had.  Some days I feel like it won't be so scary, so hard and others I don't know how I will manage.  I don't hold other peoples baby's anymore.  In some ways I feel like I'm bad luck.   I don't want to hold someone elses kid while I no longer hold mine.  The last baby I remember holding after Megan died, I could not relax.  I could not stop moving this child to make sure it was breathing, its heart beating.
I held my daughter in my arms, while her heart beat, and i also held her while it did not.  I held her in my arms and  I loved her with all that I am. 


Susan said...

I need constant reassurance too. I think it is probably a classic reaction to what we have been through. I hope one day we will learn to trust again xx

rebecca said...

It's hard not to feel that fear, I also worry whenever it's been a while since I've felt the baby move. Your innocence is gone in terms of all that can go wrong and unfortunately that lends itself to worry. One day a time, moving forward, and continuing to hope, sometimes that's the best we can do. Thinking of you, sending love and hope that all will move forward smoothly with this pregnancy ((hugs))

lissasue3 said...

It's not your fault. ((hugs)) It's easy for me to say that even when I blame myself too. We judge ourselves the hardest.


It has been very hard being PG, I think he's going to die ALL the time and it makes my husband so mad that I talk like that...I still check on my kids every night and for me they have to wake up...so I shake them awake until they say something and then tell them to go back to bed, I think having a child die in their sleep is incredibly hard to just move forward especially if you have other children. I didn't realize that you are PG...CONGRATS!!!

Sandy (Lidia) said...
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Diana Doyle said...

Being pregnant after losing a child is so very hard. Your feelings are so normal!

I remember after Savannah died being paranoid of every little thing with Dempsey...I still am. Burying a child changes us.

You are doing a wonderful job and creating another beautiful soul to love...I'll keep you in my thoughts.

with love
Diana x

marisa said...

It is so hard not to fear that history will repeat itself. I find myself getting scared every time my neice has any symptom that Isabella displayed, such as a fever or a rash. I have to beleive that we all have sufferend enough for one lifetime and that only good will follow.

Holly said...

I check to make sure my girls are breathing. I can't help myself.