Monday, August 22, 2011

Tired and cranky

Every single day I tell myself I should blog but I just don't feel like it.   I'm cranky, I'm sad, and I'm missing my sweet girl something fierce.  Her 3rd birthday will be here in days.   Nothing I do is ever going to be enough.  Woohoo I get to go pick out expensive flowers, woohoo, I get to pick out balloons, woohoo new chalk for her grave art.  I mean its just all so trivial.  Yeah. 

The last few days I keep having this fear/dreams that something is wrong with the baby.  That I'm going to freak out at birth screaming at God for taking away my perfect little being and leaving me with ... whatever.   The dreams are never very specific just the anger and disgust and yeah what a nice dream about the little dancer/fighter inside me. 

I'm definitely getting to the miserable part of pregnancy.

10 comments:

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I will definitely be thinking of you. Sorry things are tough right now but I think everything you are feeling towards your new baby is completely normal. It's hard because our minds are so wrapped up in what we are missing and the thought that something new is coming is hard to understand for our grieving minds. For me, things are MUCH better since the birth. I hope the next few days aren't so hard on you :(

michelle said...

I cant remember how far along you are, I'm thinking pretty far now. All those feelings are so natural but that doesnt make it any easier. Well Wishes

Stacey said...

Hang in there Mama! Thinking of you!

mrsnice777 said...

((hugz))

You should look into Anchored by Hope's rainbow baby mommas chat. I've heard it's really good and can help with the anxiety - to talk to others going through it or who have been there.

Praying for ya!
Jamie

Geves said...

I know this feeling of everything seeming pointless so well. It's really tough around birthdays and Christmas particularly, I've found. I look to do something meaningful, and find that nothing is. Being pregnant too (I had Celeste 13 months after J died)..all the world thinks you should be happy, and you are, BUT... not even a thing as big as a new baby is going to diminish your grief. Thinking of you.

Rainbow Moments said...

Reading this made me so sad for you. I have felt the same way. Pregnancy is hard enough without having to deal with the loss of your daughter. It sucks and it is not fair. Hang in there girl. Thinking of you.

Holly said...

sending a ((hug))

marisa said...

I am coming up to Isabella's second birthday and can relate to wanting to make it special but feeling like nothing is enough.

Thinking of you,
Marisa

Susan said...

uh huh... so totally normal to be worried about the baby; so totally normal to be pissed off that you can't have a proper 3rd birthday... it's not the life we wanted - we just ended up with it... keep going xx

Holly said...

Sending you some love today ♥