Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What should I say?

After my last blog post, I have had many people tell me they just don't know what to say.

Saying nothing is worse.  There are some people out there that would rather just continue moving on but I have found that most of us "loss" mommies, want our children mentioned, remembered.

I do not want to sit and have a hour long cry fest remembering everything.  My intention is not to make you feel awkward.  

Yes, you very well might say something and catch me off guard and make my eyes water.  I would rather cry and remember than sit there in silence wondering if I'm the only one who thinks about her.  I like to hear her name.   You might say something, and I'll just smile and continue our conversation.  You might say something, and I might counter with a small little, "I remember.." or some other little memory or quirk. 
We could be in the middle of a conversation about the weather and you could casually say, "I remember Megan."  Then go on about the weather.  Its something so little that will mean so much to me.  Maybe this gets easier as more time goes by but right now I just want to scream.  "Why won't you say her name?"  

"I wish Megan was here to enjoy this."  "I saw the cutest little girl today and she really reminded me of Megan."  "Do you remember that time Megan bit Emily because she was mad?"  "I've never heard a laugh quite like Megan's"   "Megan."  "I found these beautiful flowers and really thought they'd be perfect for Megan's grave."   "I donated to the SUDC in memory of Megan."  "I've always thought it was so funny that Megan had those pretty brown eyes when no one else does."  "Trixie was soo good with Megan."  "Remember how much Megan loved to sneak up the stairs?"  "I saw a beautiful rainbow today and it made me think of Megan."  "I saw the cutest little shoes today and it made me remember how much Megan hated anything on her feet."  " I remember." "I think about her all the time"

I'm not going to make you talk about her.  I'm not going to burst out bawling because you mention her name.  I won't even make you explain your sentence.  I just want to hear her name.  It comforts me.  She may be gone but she's not forgotten.  There is only a couple of people I can count on to mention her name to me randomly. 

She is not a taboo subject.  Do you have questions?  Ask them.   People are usually naturally curious about any subject pertaining a child and death.  Ask, learn, share and remember.   I am a open book.  I don't hide myself.

It is important to me.   Its all I have.
What do you mean I can't go up the stairs?


Amy D said...

I can totally understand your difficulty in looking at Megan's pictures, Jenny. When I look at them, it brings tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine seeing them through your eyes, from your heart.

Sigh. Such a beautiful girl that Megan was. :-)

Ya know what I remember? When Jeep got SO mad at me, because I said "oh, yeah, Megan likes to eat crayons". She was just jealous that I got to meet her. ;-)

Love you.

BellaSteph said...

I of course don't know you so can't tell you a memory about Megan. I have looked through your posts though so I can say this: Megan was a beautiful little girl, with big beautiful eyes and a bright smile.

We talk about this subject in my bereavement group a lot. Although none of the parents ever met Gavin it still feels good when they say his name. Hopefully your posts on here encourage others to talk about your beautiful Megan.

Susan said...

I was thinking about writing a blog response to your post yesterday, but I haven't really got my head round what I think yet.

Part of me thinks though that there are certain people who are good at talking about our children - they are few and far between, but they have no problem raising them naturally as part of daily discourse...

Then there are the majority, who will usuallly say nothing, or may something when prompted. So I post on my facebook, it's comforting when C is remembered, and a whole host of people post back - "she will always be remembered" "she was special" etc.

I'm not sure I really like the later, and I try not to encourage it - I do quite like the former, but I'm not sure people who don't do it naturally can be encouraged to do so, without it becoming like that later...iyswim!

I think my way round is to think I REMEMBER CATHERINE every day - every hour of every day, and I know you do the same for Megan. So I talk about her a hell of a lot - sometimes that freaks people out - some can handle it - but either way, it is not going to stop me. And if people TRY and change the subject - I blunder blindly on, impervious to their attempts...

The other thing I have is my bereaved mummy friends - I think about their children, including Megan. I feel connected by our experiences, and I am always here to listen, because better than anyone, I think we are tuned into how each other feel.

So the important thing for me, is we won't forget - and if others don't want to listen, there will always be another bereaved mother who understands.... But yes, it does hurt when the people who actually knew Megan seemed to have moved on so easily.

S xx

marisa said...

It is amazing how when I read your post today it is as if the words were coming from my mouth. I feel the exact same way and I wish that there was a course that people could take on how to comfort bereaved parents. As Susan stated, you can always rely on your bog followers and other bereaved parents to mention Megan's name and to want to celebrate her life. I feel like I know Megan through all of your stories and pictures and in my mind I can see her and my Isabella playing together. I am positive that megan smiles everytime you mention her name and remember her. She is a special girl!


I 100% agree...I LOVE when people talk about my son...or just ask about him...I wish everyone understood this :(

She was such a beautiful little girl ((Hugs))

Lidia said...

Beautiful pictures of beautiful Megan. Thinking of your entire family today. God bless!

Rhiannon said...

I wish more people would mention sweet Megan. I agree, that saying something and though it may bring a tear is far better than nothing. Remembering Megan with you, she was simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing her precious pictures. Much love, mama.

Rachele said...

Megan was beautiful, and it seems as though she was a real ray of sunshine in your lives.

It's strange... I only found your blog 10 minutes ago but you've already got me bawling my eyes out.

As a mother of 2 little girls... your words hit straight into my heart.

My thoughts and prayers are with you <3