Wednesday, April 13, 2011

To fly again

 Awhile back I requested a Monarch Butterfly Release in Megan's name from  The blog owner is named Rachel and in October 2006 she suffered the loss of 3 of her children.  Triplets named  "Jaxon, Colin, Courtney".  Read her story here
She shares all about her journey and information in 'rasing' these butterfly's.  Here

Monarch butterfly's are very special to me because when Megan died, Monarchs surrounded her daddy at 2 different airports on his journey to get home from Iraq.  Since then I've learned how many different people view butterfly's, especially Monarchs.  Many people think butterfly's are the souls of the dead.  After the second airport and stepping outside and again having these butterfly's flock to him, my husband said he wondered what was going on, wondered if it was Megan saying good bye to him  the only way she could.

Thank you Rachel for what you did, thank you for the beautiful pictures.

I am trying to stay as positive as I can.  My heart is still so lost and broken without my little girl.  I miss her so much.   Its been over a year and I still cannot believe she is gone.  I cannot believe that I can't close my eyes and open them and see  her standing in front of me smiling.   That little smug grin of hers.  I cannot believe that I am still that mother, the one whose child died.  I cannot believe how much it still hurts, how looking at her pictures still takes my breath away.  I cannot believe  this happened to us,the unfairness of it all that daddy didn't get to see her for 8 months.  I can't believe how I can get out of bed every day, how I can still laugh and smile, how I can still feel joy.   I cannot belive how quickly the desperation of my sorrow can hit me like a ton of bricks and I can do nothing but cry.  I miss her. 

Megan is going to be a big sister.  I've been waiting to share the news because I've been so scared after having a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks in September and then another called a chemical pregnancy in December. 
 I am currently almost 17 weeks.  So far so good.  The few that know have asked me when I will make this facebook official, but I think that's still might be  a ways off.   I'm just more comfortable with just this right now.  Its such a struggle because after everyone knowing I was pregnant the first time and then losing that one, the support was amazing.  I kept the 2nd one completely a secret from most people and it hurt and i hated being alone in my pain.  In some ways I mourned the loss of fertilized egg much more than I ever did the 11 week fetus.  It was strange to experience such emotions, but I'm sure its because the first one was so close to Megan's death.  Completely different.  So many emotions run through my head. 
I miss you Megan Olivia, we all do so much.  I wish it was all so different.  I just want to close my eyes and see your face. 


Susan said...

When I revealed I was pregnant, another bereaved mum replied "This is the news I was waiting for". And some how that was just the most perfect thing anyone said to me... And it does seem fitting now - as I have been waitin and hoping for you these last few months xx

Everything you say in this post is so close to how I feel. The intense lost of our children is still raw. You'll know from my blog how often I have wanted to punch someone out for seeming to erase C's death by "focusing on the baby"...

I just had to come out to the world at 16 weeks - I had a bump! - but I totally understand how the parameters have changed. Be gentle with yourself - you owe nothing to nobody - you don't need to tell anyone anything till you're good and ready...

Sending you love and hugs - so very pleased to hear such good news. xx

Mary said...

Congratulations! A rainbow...that is wonderful. I will continue to pray for you in hopes that this little arrives safe and sound. Lots of hugs to you!


The butterfly is so amazing, I am sure that it was your daughter with his daddy (((Hugs)))

I can totally relate to is SO can we be truely happy without our baby? :(

Congrats on the PG, I am PG as well and it has been a HUGE emotional rollercoaster! So excited for you!!

marisa said...

Your husband's experience with the butterflys must be his beautiful daughter making sure that he is okay on his journey home. She was watching out for him as she always will. I am so happy for yout family and I hope that this new baby brings your family the joy and love that you all deserve. I am sure that you are receiving smiles and excitement from above on being a big sister.

Your post put a smile on my face.

Mary said...

What a sweet way for Megan to say goodbye to her Daddy. Butterflies are so beautiful and there is just something special about them. Those pictures are beautiful. What a sweet thing to do in Megan's name.

I never got the chance to meet your beautiful Megan Olivia, but I will never forget her either. She has touched my heart in such a special way.

Congratulations from the bottom of my heart!!! I will be praying for your little rainbow to continue to grow healthy and strong. I will also pray for peace that passes understanding for you. I sure know that at times that is exactly what I need.

God bless you and your newest blessing!


BellaSteph said...

I came across your blog and just wanted to let you know I am doing a smiliar thing. My newborn son Gavin died on June 1st and I, like you am devestated and needed some sort of an outlet. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.

mrsnice777 said...

I am so sorry for your losses... Megan and your pregnancies. :-(( You've been through so much and deserve all the happiness in the world that this little one will bring you!

Hope you are feeling well?

michelle said...

thank you so much I just want him to be known by somebody, in the hospital they had to post a sign that he was a boy his hair got so long it hit his shoulders, he looked so much like a miniature little man. Congradulations if I could have another I would as I think Jack would carry on like Megan in the characteristics and life of there siblings. I'm sure its a great honour to her.

Holly said...

The butterfly is beautiful!!

Such happy news that you are pregnant! I understand waiting to share the news. Praying everything continues to go well!