To fly again

 Awhile back I requested a Monarch Butterfly Release in Megan's name from http://tripletbutterflywings.blogspot.com/.  The blog owner is named Rachel and in October 2006 she suffered the loss of 3 of her children.  Triplets named  "Jaxon, Colin, Courtney".  Read her story here
She shares all about her journey and information in 'rasing' these butterfly's.  Here

Monarch butterfly's are very special to me because when Megan died, Monarchs surrounded her daddy at 2 different airports on his journey to get home from Iraq.  Since then I've learned how many different people view butterfly's, especially Monarchs.  Many people think butterfly's are the souls of the dead.  After the second airport and stepping outside and again having these butterfly's flock to him, my husband said he wondered what was going on, wondered if it was Megan saying good bye to him  the only way she could.

Thank you Rachel for what you did, thank you for the beautiful pictures.

I am trying to stay as positive as I can.  My heart is still so lost and broken without my little girl.  I miss her so much.   Its been over a year and I still cannot believe she is gone.  I cannot believe that I can't close my eyes and open them and see  her standing in front of me smiling.   That little smug grin of hers.  I cannot believe that I am still that mother, the one whose child died.  I cannot believe how much it still hurts, how looking at her pictures still takes my breath away.  I cannot believe  this happened to us,the unfairness of it all that daddy didn't get to see her for 8 months.  I can't believe how I can get out of bed every day, how I can still laugh and smile, how I can still feel joy.   I cannot belive how quickly the desperation of my sorrow can hit me like a ton of bricks and I can do nothing but cry.  I miss her. 

Megan is going to be a big sister.  I've been waiting to share the news because I've been so scared after having a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks in September and then another called a chemical pregnancy in December. 

 I am currently almost 17 weeks.  So far so good.  The few that know have asked me when I will make this facebook official, but I think that's still might be  a ways off.   I'm just more comfortable with just this right now.  Its such a struggle because after everyone knowing I was pregnant the first time and then losing that one, the support was amazing.  I kept the 2nd one completely a secret from most people and it hurt and i hated being alone in my pain.  In some ways I mourned the loss of fertilized egg much more than I ever did the 11 week fetus.  It was strange to experience such emotions, but I'm sure its because the first one was so close to Megan's death.  Completely different.  So many emotions run through my head. 

I miss you Megan Olivia, we all do so much.  I wish it was all so different.  I just want to close my eyes and see your face.