I'm looking through old posts and of course seeing pictures and I just got angry. I see my pretty little girls brown eyes staring up at me through the screen, I look up and I can almost imagine her standing in front of me and I'm angry. Angry at her. Angry at her for leaving me. How could she? Why would she? Why?
I'm not angry right now, but the tears are flowing freely. I was so angry though, at her for those few minutes ... Now I feel guilty for even thinking she did this,chose this, that she gave up on me.
God I miss her so much. I miss my little happy girl, her smiles and her laughs. It isn't fucking fair.
Yes I cussed on my blog, get over it. I'm pissed and I'm upset and I miss her. I love her so much, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Your children aren't supposed to die before you.
I miss her, its been over a year and the pain inside is still so raw, so desperate. I still feel so guilty for going on in life without her.
What did I do wrong, what did I do that was so wrong? Why was I the one that was chosen to go through such a tragedy? Why me? Why her? She was perfect. I just want to hold her in my arms again. There is no peace in this for me, it doesn't matter where my life takes me, I will always miss her, I will always cry for her, and I will always be pissed that her life here was so short.
Emily should never have had to deal with such pain in her young life. Why does everyone keep dying mom? Why did Megan die? Why did the babies in your tummy die? Why did great grandma die? Why am I the only one that lived? Why? Why? I don't know. I have no answers because Megan's death is a huge question mark. There is no answer for her death and even if there was one, would it help? I'm not even sure. Death is still death, its still permanent and I imagine I'd still be wracked with guilt if I knew what she died of because why the hell did I not catch it? The guilt will never end.
I miss her, I miss everything. I miss Emily's innocence about death, I miss my own. My mother died months before Megan was born so I have known grief before but losing a child... Losing a child is something you can't even describe.
I sit on peoples couches talking about the weather or their day or whatever and I'm thinking," have they already forgotten her? Do they think about her?, Why don't they ever talk about her"...
She never leaves my mind.