Sunday, April 10, 2011

What is wrong with me?

I'm looking through old posts and of course seeing pictures and I just got angry.  I see my pretty little girls brown eyes staring up at me through the screen, I look up and I can almost imagine her standing in front of me and I'm angry.  Angry at her.  Angry at her for leaving me.  How could she? Why would she?  Why?
Like she had a choice in the matter, but the anger it  took me by surprise.  This specific picture is what did it.  
I'm not angry right now, but the tears are flowing freely.  I was so angry though, at her for those few minutes ...  Now I feel guilty for even thinking she did this,chose this, that she gave up on me. 
God I miss her so much.  I miss my little happy girl, her smiles and her laughs.  It isn't fucking fair.
Yes I cussed on my blog, get over it.  I'm pissed and I'm upset and I miss her.  I love her so much, it wasn't supposed to be like this.  Your children aren't supposed to die before you. 
I miss her, its been over a year and the pain inside is still so raw, so desperate.  I still feel so guilty for going on in life without her. 
What did I do wrong, what did I do that was so wrong?  Why was I the one that was chosen to go through such a tragedy?   Why me? Why her?  She was perfect.  I just want to hold her in my arms again.  There is no peace in this for me, it doesn't matter where my life takes me, I will always miss her, I will always cry for her, and I will always be pissed that her life here was so short. 
Emily should never have had to deal with such pain in her young life.  Why does everyone keep dying mom?  Why did Megan die?  Why did the babies in your tummy die? Why did great grandma die? Why am I the only one that lived? Why? Why?  I don't know.  I have no answers because Megan's death is a huge question mark.  There is no answer for her death and even if there was one, would it help? I'm not even sure.   Death is still death, its still permanent and I imagine I'd still be wracked with guilt if I knew what she died of because why the hell did I not catch it?   The guilt will never end.

I miss her, I miss everything.  I miss Emily's innocence about death, I miss my own.  My mother died months before Megan was born so I have known grief before but losing a child... Losing a child is something you can't even describe.  
I sit on peoples couches talking about the weather or their day or whatever and I'm thinking," have they already forgotten her?  Do they think about her?, Why don't they ever talk about her"...
 She never leaves my mind.

4 comments:

Susan said...

Nothing is wrong with you. She was your child. You expected her to learn to talk, go to school, get a job, date inappropriate men, have children of her own. You never anticiapted she would die, and it happens to so few people that hardly anyone can empathise about how badly it hurts.

And it's not fair for Emily either.
Why shouldn't you (we) be angry? Megan died, and everyone else got to grow up (or that is how it seems sometimes). It is blindingly unfair. Everything you say and feel is normal for a bereaved mother

Anyway, I read your post, and nodded all the way through(esp . at the fuck) - if it was a live performance I would be clapping.

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I feel the same way...I was angry for awhile at my baby (still comes and goes) for leaving me...I think it is totally normal to feel that way, whether they had a "choice" or not.

(((Hugs))) Sorry you are having a difficult time...it is still so raw for me and I am about 6 months behind you...I hope you have a good day!

marisa said...

I think that you have every right to feel what you are feeling and say what you are saying. I think that you are a brave mother. You not only had to suffer the loss of a child but also to answer the many questions of another. We should never be ashamed of our feelings because those nobody else knows what you are feeling but you. Embrace thos feelings because they come out of love and pain.

Thinking of you and your precious Megan.

Mary said...

My dear friend,
I didn't know that precious baby girl of yours, but I promise you that I think about her. I haven't forgotten her and I never will. I don't understand why people feel as though they should act like a person never lived just because they died. Maybe they just don't know what to say. I don't know. What I do know is, that's wrong. Megan is a special little girl who deserves to be remembered and spoken about. Do you have a favorite story about her you would like to share? If you do, I would love to hear it if you want to and are able to share it with me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Mary