Closing up

I have officially become that person I hated when i first started on this grief cycle.  The person who wrote everything that I needed to hear, who felt everything I was feeling and then boom nothing.  Life went on.  Thats me now I guess. 

I miss writing.  Mostly I think i just have turned off because every damn time I write about missing my daughter I get the hearts and the hugs and I can deal with that but its the other well meaning hope you find peace, hope you talk to someone about this.  Maybe its time to go on medications etc etc.

Because you know, losing your living breathing child is  something that you should only be sad about for a couple of years.  Get over it. You're dwelling.

What I'm dwelling? How in the hell am I dwelling.  Life moved on. I didn't get to stop time, I had to move on or die myself.  People depend on me.  My family is everything.  I have quit many things in life but I would never quit living.
Grief comes in spurts.  It is 100 hundred times better now that I have Amanda.  Not because she is a replacement but she is precocious baby girl who like all little children do make you smile, make you laugh, make you appreciate all the little things in life.  Its joy that moves you forward in this grief cycle.  Without my children I would be entirely lost.  Does that mean I don't cry when I think of my daughter? I miss her, I miss everything about her.  I miss her so so so much.  It hurts.  The pain doesn't lessen, it doesn't go away you just find other ways to deal with it.  It is still overwhelming, it is still the worst thing that could have possibly ever happened but there is joy to be found in this life.

Amanda is getting so close to that age and its horrible.  Shes so cute, she just makes my heart melt.  When I start fires I place the kindling by the door and then go crumple newspapers, she proudly brings me each piece of kindling for the fire.  She sits in my lap and we both blow ( I didn't even know she could blow until the other day when she did this) to get it going.  Last night I handed her a light piece of wood and she again proudly carried it over.  I told her HOT when she got to close and she dropped it and went and sat in her chair and watched me finish up.  I walked in on her in the bathroom getting into the cupboard that wasn't locked.  She was having a grand ole time pulling out and playing with all the fingernail polishes.  I looked down at her and asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and smiled this big ole smirk and put it in her mouth.  I said, "I think you need pick up your mess and put that away."  She quickly stood up, grabbed a handful and threw them into the cupboard.  It was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing.  Amanda is 14 months old now.

She is just so smart and Megan was just like this.  This was Megan a couple years ago.  My little girl was running around acting crazy like Amanda, giving kisses and blowing on things and being ornery.  Do I sleep better? No not really, its better than it was but its not what it once was.  I am not the person I was.  You don't just wake up one day and say, "you know what, not gonna worry about my kid dying today."  It doesn't happen.  Because I know that at any moment in this life something could happen.  You could lie down for a nap and never wake up again and while I will never be the person I once was it doesn't mean that I'm not better. 

We are moving next year, here is Amanda and Trixie with a clue.

 My beautiful 8 year old who is so full of mouth.  Mouth mouth mouth mouth.  Seems to the age of mouth... LOL

 Quite possibly the cutest coat and hat ever.  To bad Amanda won't actually wear hats longer than 2.4 seconds

This is what I lost. This constant joy that a toddler and baby bring.  This kind of love that should melt the coldest of hearts.  Its devastating to remember.  She was here. Doesn't feel like she was anymore, its getting harder to remember.
Megan and Emily, thankfully Amanda will keep shoes on her feet, not socks but shoes are perfectly ok.

In the picture with Amanda and Trixie, Amanda is wearing Megan's dress as seen here. For the most part I love putting her in Megan's clothes.  I have found 2 things though, that she wore one time and I just couldn't do it.  I hated seeing her wear something that was so Megan to me. 

Its been awhile

I stepped away from my blog for awhile.  I stopped visiting blogs all together.  Just needed a breather I guess.

Its hard to realize that it is ok for me to take a step back from my grief posts and posts about Amanda and life now.  This blog is about my life, not simply about my grief though my grief is a large part of it.  I strive to be honest and truthful and in hopes to give others comfort.  So many things we think to ourselves and know these are things we can't say out loud. 

My grief hasn't left, its huge hole that will forever be there.  My daughter died.  I miss her so much.  I punish myself by thinking that no one wants to hear about how sad I am, how much I miss her and thats not the truth. The truth is... I don't know what to say anymore.  Its just seems like its the same thing over and over.  Its frustrating.  I should be talking about her, I should be writing things down and I don't.  It almost seems like she was just a figment of my imagination. 

She wasn't of course.  She was here, and she was perfect as all children are. 

Amanda is 10 months old now.  She is now the age that Megan was when dad left to Iraq.  Thats hard, to realize that dad doesn't have any of these memories of Megan.  He remembers so little. 

I have started buying Amanda clothes that are 18 months and 24 months.  Very impressive for me.  Then in the same moment I realize that  in just a short while I will no longer have "Megan" clothes to share with her.  It sucks.

I have also had a few nights now where I woke up, looked at Amanda and went right back to sleep.  Just knew she was ok, that I didn't have to touch her.  Another huge improvement for me.

I've also been jealous lately.   Jealous of a few mamas that I know that have their "rainbow children for lack of a better term" and they are calm.  I'm jealous they don't have my crazy I guess.  It isn't that I run around all day paranoid and freaking out.  Far from it, but there are moments every single day where my heart stops.  She is so still and I just am scared that is is that the moment again.  I can't help it. I want that calmness, I want that peace again. 

Amanda is finally cutting some teeth.  She is getting her top 2 teeth in first.  Just like big sister Emily.  When I realized that she was getting those I immediately sighed, "Yes, another way she is taking after Emily and not Megan."  She sat before either of the girls did.  She crawled before either of the girls did.  She is getting her top teeth in just like Emily instead of the bottom teeth first like Megan.  So many differences and the more alike she is to Emily the more relaxed I feel.  Like getting your teeth on the bottom first is a precursor for death.  Who knew.  Brown eyes to, I've been so thankful that Amanda has Emily's blues instead of brown.  I want her to be like Megan but not at all..  Sounds stupid I know.

I'm going to try and be around a little more.  I'm very behind in my friends blogs and lives if they are not on facebook lol.

PTSD

I was doing so good.
I was sleeping so well.  Both myself and the baby were completely sleeping through the night and then happened this little mishap.  I drank too much water.  I drank 130oz of water for a couple of days and in doing so, I made my milk production dramatically decrease.  Yes I know.  You're supposed to drink water to make milk, but turns out that if you drink more than 90oz of water a day you can actually decrease your milk.  Crazy right.   One of those damned if you do, damned if you don't deals. 

It took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on, 24 hours of fenugreek and I was back in business however my sleeping through the night child was now waking up 6-8 times a night.  Slowly we start getting things back to normal and what happens?

She decides that she is now a stomach sleeper.

Are you kidding me? I just spent the first 6 months of your life freaking out over every little thing especially when you are sleeping.  I finally get those crazy overwhelming "OMG SHE'S DEAD" feelings out of my head when I wake up for the 20th time to check on her and now she wants to make me even crazier?  Thats what its done.  It is like flashback city, all night long.  Megan died during a nap in the afternoon.  Why am I so "relatively" calm during nap times but so manic at night time?

I can't sleep. 
I want to so badly lay her in her crib and just sleep and I cannot.  My heart starts racing and I can't breathe and the overwhelming guilt starts weighing me down and I physically cannot do it. 
However, her right next to me is making me crazy.  I am waking a few times a hour and 1 out of 2 times she is on her stomach and she is so still and her head is placed just like Megan's and I am over come with the emotions.  I grab her and I hold her and I say "wake up wake up" " I can't do this again"  "Please"

It doesn't matter that  both Emily and Megan slept with me with no issues.  It doesn't matter than that Megan died ALONE at nap time.  I am not handling her little, "I want to sleep on my tummy phase" at all well.

2 1/2 years later and I am seriously contemplating talking to a grief counselor because not sleeping makes a not patient loving mama.  Amanda is 8 1/2 months old, she is crawling and pulling up on things and smiling and laughing and her little nose crinkles when she smiles so big that she has to closer her eyes.  Yet this, I just don't know how to do this.  I am so tired.

I had to post

I have not been able to write in so long.  I have all of a sudden become a shut in with my emotions.  I talk to nobody, share with no one. 

I am losing my mind.  It is not healthy road I am on.  I still talk about Megan of course but my emotions, my pain, my suffering, my worries, and my fears are weighing heavily on my mind.  I find myself desperately wishing I had someone to talk to, but everyone that I talked to is gone or I no longer wish to share with them any longer. 

I don't want to write.  I don't want to talk.  I even thought to myself, maybe its time to go see a counselor.  Least I'd have someone who would want to listen to me, and anyone who knows me or read this blog knows that I'm not at all for therapy lol.  I'm not trying to sound cryptic or depressed just trying to be honest. 

I miss Megan so much.  Its like she was never here, just a figment in every ones imagination.  I keep finding myself, telling myself, yes she was here.  She was here.   I have 3 girls.  I never have to worry about the dreaded middle child syndrome because she is already gone.  2 years later it still hurts so much.  Its better.  Still hurts though. 

In other news Amanda is 7 months.  She is growing like a weed, getting so big.  She isn't crawling yet but finally able to sit up on her own.  She gets on all fours and pushes backwards.  I enjoy watching her do her push ups, and she has pulled herself up standing 3 times now. 

Amanda pretty much gets whatever she wants, whenever she wants.  Its pretty hard to deny her anything.  The saying, "They are only little for so long" runs through our mind all the time.  Would not want to have any regrets if the unimaginable were to happen again right.

A sleeping baby, I miss how that was a comfort.  Now that she is 7 months old its easier but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and wonder.  "Is she breathing?"  She has taken to sleeping on her stomach, no matter how hard I try to keep her on her back, on her her side.. none of it works.   I find myself unable to sleep at night because shes on her stomach.  It takes every bit of will power that I have to close my eyes and find sleep again.  It isn't like it was in the beginning.  I don't wake up in a cold sweat with the knowledge she is dead anymore but there is always that moment when I wake up that I immediately go to her back and if I don't immediately see a movement, I touch her, I move her, anything for a response before I am able to relax again. 

It isn't every single time, there are some wake ups that I look at her and push down those fears and just fall back asleep.  Sometimes I just look to make sure she is in a safe position and fall back asleep.  Some nights are worse than others.   It is just the road that I am on now.   Amanda keeps me busy, she brings me immense joy, she is healing and she is also terrifying.   I imagine that as she gets closer to Megan's age the fears and desperation will get worse but for now I will take these better wakening, these times where I can take a breath and relax.

There are so many things that worry me and without a answer to Megan's death it just jumbles in my head.  I'm being very selective and delaying immunizations for Amanda.  She received hib, pcv and I think that is all she is going to get at least for awhile. 

 February 9, 2010 Megan received her MMR.  March 9, 2010 she received her DPAT.  A 'side effect' of DPAT is SIDS.  So many things were just wrong.  She shouldn't have been given a vaccination so close to being as sick as she had been.  A week prior she had double ear infections, and possible  pneumonia.  That initial autopsy, where the coroner called me after she performed it, she said she had cloudy fluid around her heart and her brain was slightly enlarged.  The cloudy fluid around her heart was never mentioned in the final autopsy report.  I don't know why and have been wondering about it in the last few weeks.  I have to do what feels right to me, thankfully everyone has been supportive. 

Heartbreak close to home

I recently just found out about a mother whose son and husband drowned.  Even though I have had the unimaginable happen to me, when I hear of these things... especially things so close to home I can't stop but want to scream. "Why?!"  Its like I can't actually believe that these things still happen to people that we truly are not invincible.

So very sad, such heartbreak.  That early raw grief.
It was her birthday, her husband took their son out on the canoe to give Julie a break, some time to herself.  They didn't come back. 
Sheldon and Julie's blog
News article

yup

Thats all.  Think I should just keep this simple. I miss my daughter.  I miss my friends.  I miss what should have been. Hate feeling so alone.

Never Simple Again

Not only have we lost our children, not only do we get to spend a life time with our grief and what ifs, we also have all lost our innocence.

For awhile I started thinking that children past 18 months don't live.  I waited every day for the call that something happened to my nephew.  Every time I see a child that should be her age now I just think, "how did this happen, how did these children grow?"  I am saddened that I don't get to experience any more life with Megan.  It still doesn't always feel real. 
A friend of mine that lost her son, recently wrote and told me the older her daughter is getting the more its freaking her out.  I can totally understand that.  There is going to be this bridge we have to get over.  That magical age that our other children didn't pass.  While I spend many moments obsessively worrying over Amanda its gotten much better as the months go by.  I have a feeling though that closer to 1 year I will start living like every day may be her last.  I don't think its something I will be able to stop.

I want my innocence back.  I want to be able to look at Amanda and look away. 
I can't.  I look at her, then I look at her chest.  I look for the rise and the fall and the rise and the fall.   Then I look again to make sure it wasn't my mind playing tricks on me.  It isn't simple.  It isn't a quick glance. I am always remembering looking up from where I was sitting and seeing Megan.  Seeing that her back was not rising and falling.  Knowing that I turned away and told myself to stop being paranoid, then looking again and again not seeing the rise and fall.  Its something I never want to see again.
  I like it when she has her pacifier in her mouth because its easier to just move the pacifier and if she starts sucking... well I know she's alive then.

I bought something for her today that is 12 months.  I kept seeing all of these 18 months old clothes today and I just can't do it.  I can't really envision her at Megan's age.  I don't know if I want to.  I think that January/February/March 2013 is going to be extremely  hard on me. 
It also means she will no longer be able to wear Megan's clothes.  She will have surpassed her sister in everything.  Right now I can still compare.  All moms compare their children even though you really aren't supposed to.  Both Megan and Emily were late sitters.  They would just not sit still to sit.  Amanda is already sitting better than they did at 5 months.  The emotions sometimes are just so unforgiving. I just want to scream and there is just no point in it anymore. 

I thought I wouldn't want to share Megan's clothes with Amanda but I have found that to be completely opposite.  I simply cannot wait to put Amanda in Megan's clothes.  I love it.  Then I feel guilty because there should be things off limits.  Special things that I keep protected and safe and in memory.  I feel so guilty for wanting her to wear these things, whether Megan wore them or not (because there a a lot of things I had that were older or brand new).  I read on another friends blog that its ok.  Sisters share clothes.
How true is that? How comforting is that?!  Sisters share clothes.  It is ok.
I do still feel like certain things should be off limits so I'm not sure how I will work this out.  Luckily I only have a few things that are Amanda's size right now.  One of them is a onesie.  Thing 2.  That I cannot put on her.  She is not Thing 2.  She is Thing 3.  Do they even make that as a shirt lol?

I envy my friends that are able to be calm during a cold.  A simple cold.  Nothing is simple in my mind anymore.  A cold can be a warning sign, is she this? Is she that? What about this? What about that? It isn't simple.  There are times where my mind is screaming, and I just repeat to myself.  She is ok, it is a simple cold.  She is ok.  Megan had colds.  Megan had so many colds at the end.  Megan had so many fevers at the end.  OMG Megan died and now Amanda has a fever.  OMG Amanda has a cold.
 Its a battle that I know I'm not going to win.

Someone asked me if I felt like she was going to have something happen to her like I did with Megan.  I don't.  I really don't but that doesn't alleviate my fears or anxiety at all.   This is my reality.  This is my normal.  Nothing is simple. 

These are things that go on in the back of your mind.  Its just like the grief, were still functioning, still even somewhat enjoying life but my worries and fears are multiplied and I'm always pushing them down and away. 

My girls are sisters.  I have 3 girls.  I am not looking forward to the 10th of this month. 

A little bit of everything

Its almost 2 years now.  2 years since I've held my baby girl in my arms.  I'm so so so thankful that the memories of that day has faded.  I'm sure having Amanda helps with that, keeping me busy and my mind off things.   It doesn't stop the fear of seeing Amanda sleeping so soundly.  I fight the screams that want to claw out of my throat every time I see her so lifeless.
It has gotten better.  I do see her as staying around now.  I mentioned that I am starting to buy clothes that are a little bigger than her, its true.  Yet its also true that I will only buy one size bigger, I haven't progressed that much.  I saw the cutest 12 month dress at the GoodWill and just couldn't do it.  Even if it was only $1.99. 

I can't remember the last time I went to bed hoping I didn't wake up and I know that has to do with Amanda.  Babies are so demanding lol, she keeps me busy and more importantly she brings back some of that simple joy.   Emily, oh Emily is just 7 going on 18.   She is so fun, so smart, she comes up with these crazy awesome art projects all the time.  Then she turns around and has a tantrum worthy of a 3 year old.  Comes with the territory I suppose.  Talking with my friends seems to be a age/phase thing, which makes me feel so so much better. 

Sometimes I just stare at her.  She is so pretty and has this smile that lights up a room. 
It is so unfair that  Megan is gone.  Everyone knows how unfair it is to lose a child.  Every parents worst nightmare.  Children are not supposed to die before you.
Yet she did.  She died and we miss her.  We miss her so much.  Emily has been talking about her a lot and in some ways I find myself getting annoyed with her.  She makes up memories.  I want to fix her but she is the only one I can count on to mention her all the time.  It doesn't seem right to tell her no Em your memories are so wrong.  She was just 5.  I try and give her other memories when she is making them up.  I wish I could just make all the pain better for her.

We recently signed up for a contest.  We had to write in 100 words or less why I thought we deserved to win.  That was the hardest thing ever to do.  Why would we deserve it more than anyone else? Everybody goes through hardships and I don't think we deserve to win more than anyone else.  Not that I wouldn't be excited beyond excited if we win.  Emily would be so happy.  She has never been to the Great Wolf Lodge, and it seems like all of her friends have.  In a 7 year olds mind.  You remember don't you?  Your world view is so small and innocent when you are a child.  I will be over the moon if we win.  I can only imagine the excitement of going down her first water slide and Mom will be right next to her. Oh yea.  Last year I was so bummed that I was pregnant because I couldn't take her on the big kids rides and she was finally big enough for them.  Shes just like me, I know she will love it.  Dad...... not really a flip me around, upside down kind of thrill seeker. 

Dad and Emily and Amanda have both been sick.  I have skated by thanking my lucky stars, assuming I was skating by because of my daily apple consumption.  You know, "A apple a day keeps the doctor away" adage.  Dad is sick with a 3 week long sinus infection, baby is sick with a congestion, fussy kind of thing.  Emily had the sinus infection and then got nailed with 2 stomach viruses back to back.  Finally my immune system said, "NO more."  Sick.  The stomach.  Oh so very  miserable and its so unfair how mommy's don't get to give up on the world and have no responsibility's like everyone else when they are sick.  Oh well, whats a mom to do? Suck it up and carry on :)

I also wanted to mention that if you wanted to ask a question an did not get the chance, go ahead and head down to that blog post and ask it.  Once I have a couple more, I will make a new answer thread.  :)
Amanda was baptized on her 5 month (birthday) lol. She did great :) She wore the gown her sister Emily wore.  The gown was also worn by her grandpa and his two sisters.  Very old, very beautiful, so glad that my children shared a part in wearing it.

Like a typical 5 month old.  Everything goes to the mouth.  She loves chewing on apple slices and carrots and peas.

Emily getting ready to hop into the pool

 Sweet baby girl Megan. How I miss you so so much.  That smile of yours, that laugh..  It just hurts so much with you gone.  I love you and miss you.

Answers

Sorry its taken me so long to back here, for a few days I was locked out of blogger and then just didn't have the time :)

From Susan
How do you think Megan's death will affect Amanda (if at all, that is)?

I'm not really sure, I really hope she never thinks of herself as having to take Megan's place. I hope that she will be able to look at pictures and know that is her sister. Its so hard since she will never know her except through pictures and our words.  I want her to know about her sister and I will talk about her.  I have a baby photo album already that has pictures of her sisters for her.


From Anonymous
What will you do to help Amanda "get to know" Megan? What will you tell her about Megan? Also, do you want more children?


 I will just show her pictures and talk about her.  I will tell her that she had a sister that died before she was born.  I will tell her whatever I remember at that point in the conversation.  Maybe It will be about how she loved to smile, how she liked to do the politician/beauty pageant wave, how she hated things on her feet.   She won't be something I keep hidden away from her. 
We don't want any more children.  We were done with Megan, we knew we always wanted two, but I had such a difficult time accepting the permanent nature of a vasectomy that I just couldn't let him do it.  Thankfully it made it so we were able to have Amanda easily.  I had two miscarriages after Megan died and my pregnancy with Amanda wasn't hard but it wasn't as easy as the other two were.  I just feel done, even if something were to happen now.

From Marisa
Was it a hard decision for you to have another child after Megan's death? Did the stress make it harder for you to get pregnant right away?


It took me I think 2  months to decide that I wanted another baby and I wanted one sooner rather than later.  I was lucky enough to conceive  right away but I ended up miscarrying twice.  I had never experienced something  like that so when I got pregnant with Amanda it was even more scary for me.  I spent the entire pregnancy worrying, was never really able to relax.   Its hard to make the decision to have another because you don't want them to be a replacement.  Nothing can replace those we lost, but there is always room in your heart to love another child and they bring so much so joy and happiness.  I was healing before Amanda was born, but after she was born I noticed that I stopped wishing that I could just die in my sleep.  Wasn't something that happened a lot but its something I recently noticed I don't think about when I lay down anymore.  The emotions and fears of having Amanda were so strong, I did kind of keep her at arms length for a few weeks because I just couldn't believe she would stay with us.  She is 5 months old and I'm just now buying her clothes that are to big for her; whereas I was only buying stuff that would fit her in the present.   Sounds sort of silly but for me its a large concession in the belief that hey she might actually stick around.

Lisa's Hawaiian

My friend Lisa is having a give-away on her page.  Come on over and check her out and "like" her on facebook for a chance to win.  She does beautiful work and is one of the sweetest ladies I know :)

It's time for a GIVE-A-WAY again!! Time starts now, ends tomorrow (Thurs) night at 10pm. 3 winners names will be posted & receive an Island Keeper jar & photo. IK jars are described & photographed on my blog. Just click "Like" here & please leave a little note if you'd like. I love hearing from you ~ Lisa
FACEBOOK PAGE

http://lisashawaiiannames.blogspot.com/2012/02/give-way-for-3-winners-starts-feb1-feb.html

Questions?

I figured I would do a ask and answer post.  Ask me anything  you want and I will answer :)

Snow!

We have so much snow.  We don't usually get more than a couple of inches and when we do its gone by noon.  Western Washington is getting dumped on.  We have like 12 inches right now.   I woke up 3 times last night to peek out the window, I feel like a school girl.   I jumped on Emily this morning to wake her up.  I thought it was pretty funny since usually she is the one waking me up. 

I am waiting for the baby to wake up from her nap so I can put her in her snowsuit and drop her in the snow!  Going to be so much fun lol!   Unfortunately this is powdery snow so snowmen yet.  Poor Emily was outside for much to long and came inside just bawling.  She really needs snow clothes but there isn't much purpose to it when we barely get it.  I currently have her in a nice warm bath. 



Last night while I was lying in bed I was just having so much fun with Amanda.  She was kicking her little legs and cooing up a storm.  Then she grabbed onto my finger and just slowly drifted off to sleep.  I was reading facebook on my Ipod and the light of it really just lit up the little fuzzy hair she has and it just melted my heart.  I just love this little girl so much. 

Yesterday we just had a tiny bit of snow. Amanda wasn't overly impressed with it, but didn't mind it either.

The dog is so funny, she just loves the snow.  Running around all crazy and digging in the snow for her toys and rolling in it. 

Feeling better

Around dinner time yesterday i just felt this huge weight lift off of me.  Just a huge sigh of relief, everyone is still here and alive and the worry is over.  I know that sounds silly but yesterday while I was trying to be nonchalant and not worried I still was.  I'm not a dreamer and after losing Megan, I can't just look at things simply anymore.  I can't just enjoy Amanda like i did my other two.  Its different.  It will always be different.

I made a mountain of a mole hole.  You know what? That's ok.   To me the fears were real and scary and while I kept it at bay it was there pecking at me.

Then dinner time happened and I realized hey, we are over the time limit because all unfounded fears have time limits you know. 
I slept so well last night. 

I also dreamed again.  One of those dreams where you wake up and then fall right back into it.  Very strange, end of the world kind of dream.  People trying to kill us, killer viruses on the loose.  Very entertaining, my own personal little movie haha!  Why am I dreaming all of a sudden though? 

Nightmares

Let me start by saying that I don't dream very often.  There are very few times in my life that I can remember dreams and they stick with me because they happen so infrequently. 
I can remember having the same dream over and over as a child.  I was at my house and I was alone and I get the feeling that something is coming, something scary.  I don't know where to go, so I grab a straw and I climb into my kiddie pool and I lay there with my eyes open waiting.  Eventually something comes, two somethings.  Alligators or Crocodiles.  They crawl in to the pool and I'm sandwiched between them and I would wake up screaming. I had this dream over and over.

Two days before Megan died I had a dream.  I dreamed that my friend and I were going on a picnic.  There was this huge cavernous hole and  it had ladders going up and down it.  We wanted to picnic on the other side so with 2 strollers we go down and up these ladders to get to the other side. I can remember looking down and pulling this stroller with Megan buckled in facing down to the ground and just climbing and climbing.  We finally get to the other side and spread out our blankets, while we are sitting there eating, the brakes on my stroller fails.  She starts heading towards this hole we just climbed out of, my friends son runs after her but trips.  He is the same age as Emily.  Down she goes.  The next part of the dream, I'm down there holding her all of a sudden extremely bloated body just screaming, she was so bloated and looked nothing like her.  Then all of a sudden were at the doctors and they keep telling me, "Its all your fault, Its all your fault."  "You did this to her."
This dream was so real, so scary that i immediately told my friend and husband about it.

Two days later she dies.  Can you imagine my guilt with this dream in the background? It haunts me to this day.  Why would I have this dream days before she died?  Why?  How could I not be full of doubt and guilt?

Wednesday night I dreamed again.  For some reason my bed was in the living room and Amanda and I and Emily were sitting on it.  My husband was on the other side on the couch on the computer.   Amanda had some snot coming out of her nose, so I grabbed a Kleenex and I pinched her nose and all of a sudden shes soaking wet with this yellow mucus matter.  I look up at her head and her heads caved in on itself.  She looks like a baby with anencephaly.  I remember screaming call 911 and then I wake up. The dream has stuck with me all day, all night and now all morning today.

I know its unreasonable but the fear is eating me alive.  I just have this worry, I probably won't be able to let her sleep alone at all today.   I told my husband about the dream and he just told me that is physically impossible to happen.  Well I'm pretty sure that my cavernous hole with a ladder and what not was pretty impossible as well.  How am I supposed to let her nap today? A nap took Megan away from me forever.
She's been extra fussy the last few days.  Its taking everything in me not to rush her to the doctor, but again... Megan went to the doctor the day before she died so what would that accomplish?

I'm scared. 

I can't lose her.  Why do I have to dream when I never dream?  Last night I had another dream, this one of my husband.  Cheating on me.  I woke up so very angry at him. Took me a while to realize that it was a dream.  Another dream for someone who rarely dreams.  What is going on?

Selfish

I had a friend recently tell me that I am selfish.  Selfish because I disturb Amanda's sleep all the time at night.  I disturb her sleep to make myself feel better.
We have both lost children.  She understands that its scary.  I need to be the bigger person and let her sleep on her own, without poking and prodding her all night.  Bedsharing isn't safe anyways, right.... She would never ever compromise the safety of her child.  *Our children were born within 3 weeks of each other*  Everything she says, sounds so condescending to me.  I'm completely fine with the fact that you are against bedsharing, but please don't tell me I'm a bad mom because I do, and because I do check on my child many times during the night doesn't mean I'm disturbing her necessarily.  She is actually a fabulous sleeper, only wakes maybe 1x a night to nurse.

I'm trying to be the bigger person and not tell her to "Shut her piehole."
It is taking everything in me not to bring up the differences in our child loss.  My child died in their sleep.  My child, a thriving toddler, went to sleep one day and never woke back up.  Her child was born still.  Did  we both lose children? Of course.  Is it heartbreaking no matter what? Yes of course.
Its still different.  Why would she have this insane fear that I and other sids/sudc moms have?  It is different, but I feel bad saying that.  Like somehow I'm dishonoring her child, belittling her loss.  It feels like she is belittling my fears.  I am trying to show her compassion and not shake her.
Loss is loss.
It is different though. 
Her child had a infection.  Her child has a cause of death.  Mine does not.
That right there makes me jealous, whereas I know she is jealous that my child lived for 18 months.  I know this because we have talked about it.  It is human nature.

Am I selfish? I have always believed in bedsharing and breastfeeding and attachment parenting.  I imagine that I always woke up to check on Emily and Megan, the only difference is .... I didn't wake up with the fear, with the choking god awful fear that I'm going to have to hold another child... another dead child in my arms. 

Immunizations, she can't understand whatsoever why I might have a fear of giving Amanda vaccinations.  I'm just following blindly into the propaganda and scare tactics of people who are uneducated and etc.  Hello?! My child died the day after receiving her 4th dpat shot.  I do not have a reason for her death.  I will never know why she died, but you damn well cannot blame me if I choose to delay vaccinations.  Amanda will still receive some vaccinations, not the dpat.  Not for awhile anyways.  They will be done one a time.  I'm not in a big hurry.  I'm not freaking out over them, but I am keeping my options/opinions open. 
I imagine if anyone tried to give one of my children the antibiotic that Megan took shortly before her death, I will have issues with that as well.  My kid died.  Unexpectedly, with no rhyme no reason for it.  Yeah, I'm hesitant and scared.  I'm not stupid.  I do know that some of my fears are just ridiculous.
Emily was baptized, Megan was not....... I feel like i desperately and quickly need to have Amanda baptized.  Ridiculous fear, I know this.

Amanda is 16 weeks old now.  She just started giggling and loves to give up big cheesy smiles.  They just aren't that easy to catch on camera.  This was the tail end of one.

  Emily received her very own Ergo! Love Ergos in this family :)

 Yep, my 7 year is still full harnessed in a car seat :) isn't she just the prettiest?!

Last night Daddy gave Amanda a bath. She is not a big fan.  She is the first child of ours to wholly dislike water.

 This is what happened after ^ the bath.   I was doing dishes and found them <3