I have not fallen off the face of earth

I just haven't really put together what I want to say yet.  A new blog will be in the works soon though....

nothing.....

I have no idea what I want to write about today.  I've been nervous and praying a lot lately.  I'm ready for things to improve, something to go my way but it doesn't seem like its ever going to.  It disheartening and simply just hard to deal with.   How is all this sadness supposed to be Gods plan?

I haven't ran in over a week, I know it will make me feel better if I go.  Its just hard to make yourself do it. 

Im at this point where I either just keep the secret and put it away because nothing actually came out of it, or I tell and get people worrying about me and more sorrys.  Neither option sounds very good.

A fever and whirlwind of emotions

Yesterday was 9 months, 9 months since I put my 18 month old sweetheart down for a nap that she never woke from.  Yesterday my 6 year old daughter told me how she is scared of dreams, even if they are the good one.   I asked her why and she told me its because you can get stuck in your dreams and never get out.  I told her you can't get stuck in your dreams and she set me straight.  Yes you can, Megan went to sleep and was not able to escape from her dream.   So we had a discussion about God and how these things sometimes happen, but it really isn't something a 6 year old understands.  All she knows is that she is the only one alive and she doesn't understand it. 

Last night Emily had a fever.  In 9 months this is the first time she has been sick with more than the sniffles.  Figures it would happen after that conversation and on a anniversary day.  The last time one of my children had a fever, they died.  You  know in your head that you are worrying and scared over nothing but how is it truly nothing?  My 18 month old daughter had a fever, I put her to sleep alone for nap time and she died.   We don't know why she died, we will never know why she died but the fact remains that she had a fever and got stuck in her dreams and died.

So, its understandable that I was upset.  I tossed her in our extra bed and I crawled in with her and held her all night long while she shook from being so cold from that fever.  I had tears streaming down my face.  It was awful.   I couldn't let her sleep alone because last time someone slept alone with a fever they died.  I didn't know that this was going to be so hard.  The emotions and the fears.  I did ok though, I reached out to some friends who texted me until I felt that I could sleep.  I actually did sleep and it was comforting having her in my arms all night, feeling her chest rising up and down and her little heart beating. 

So milestone number 58 down?  We survived fever number one 'after'.  Today she is still feverish and quite whiny but shes ok.  Were ok.

The kindness in others

There is nothing like losing a child that says I need to help this person.  I need to do something for this person, send a card, send flowers, make creative little memories, names in the sand and etc.   Its all so wonderful and appreciated. Its so nice to know that others care because there is nothing you can say to me that is going to make me feel better that my 18 month old is gone.  Yet when I open the mail to a beautiful little rock that has Megan's name on it, or a picture of Megan's name in the sand from someone who went on vacation, anything and everything that lets me know you care, that you are trying to be there for  me it means so much and I don't think I have properly thanked people enough for that.  

Its all these little things that people do to reach out to you that make things just a little easier.  That kindness and the sadness that you share with me, not forgetting that she was here.  That she is important still and will not be forgotten.  

Knowing that you when you think of me, you hug your children a little closer, you give thanks for your blessings and when things are bad and you are at your wits end.  You remember me and it isn't so bad and It makes me feel like I have reached out to people and that they understand just a little.  Id still rather be on the other side, but ..... im not.

I miss her

Sometimes I just need to say that, out loud, where others can hear me.   I write so much of my feelings that I feel like I am losing that part of my pain, the part where I tell people standing in front of me how much I miss my daughter.  I miss her, its heartbreaking to be without your child.  Its hard mentally to go on every single day knowing you will never in this lifetime see them again.  I go through pictures and I look, I say look but really its more of a eye sweep.  I can't linger on those pictures because they make me cry.  Staring at her face makes it all so real, and it brings that pain crashing down around me.  So most of the time I just quickly look without really looking.  Just long enough that I can remember her face.

How horrible is that? I cannot stare at my daughters face because it hurts so much, I want to, I want to spend hours looking at pictures of her and remembering each and every memory but right now I can't. 

Life isn't supposed to be easier without her.  You want to get up and go sure why not.  You want to go for a run sure no problem.  Want to go shopping, sure no problem just be back by 3.  Its so much easier.  I can leave dangerous items all over the house and not worry about a toddler getting into things they aren't supposed to.  I can have burning candles on my coffee table, I can leave scissors on the floor.   I don't have to even think about baby proofing things, but occasionally i will catch myself and say "Oh don't put that there" and then realize its doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter at all and its not supposed to make things easier.  Its hard enough dealing with the fact that I am no longer needed, not like I was anyways.  Its hard and it sucks and there really isn't anything I or anyone can else say about it.  It doesn't get better time wise, its always going to hurt.  The only difference is that I can actually talk about her sometimes, I can tell people what happened sometimes and only get slightly watery eyes.  Whoopee doo, so maybe In a couple years I will just be dead inside to it and will be able to talk about it (if people still even want to hear about it) without a problem.  I just don't see that happening.

I miss her so much, I miss her voice, I miss her hugs, I miss seeing her playing with Emily.  I miss having little feet running around the house.  I miss not having a baby.  I miss not having people say "Oh isn't she just the cutest"  I miss buying cute little baby stuff.  I miss looking at my favorite baby sites and I miss her, everything about her.  I miss her so much that I wish one day I would just not wake up.  It doesn't work that way though and I am still needed and I do still have hope for my future but it doesn't make it any easier.  This pain is so overwhelming.  I'm only a little over 3 months away from her 1 year death anniversary.  I hate this.  I miss her.