Thursday, January 16, 2014

It is rough

It is rough sometimes moving forward.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for another child to die.  It's a fact of life. People die and I seem to be one of the chosen.  A person deemed so awesome that it was decided I could handle this. Which we all know is a crock of crap. Of course you get more than you can handle, there is no stopping of time .. The show must go on.

I have shied away from blogging, turned into one of those people who I really wished would continue blogging when I was so desperate to find others in pain like me.  You get tired of the same thing said over and over. I hurt. I'm alone. People don't say their name. People don't ask questions. How many children do I have? It gets so confusing and draining.

Most days I'm good, I check on Amanda a lot. I try not to get to mad but she still is a child and people get mad.  Then you feel guilty because you wished and prayed for this.. You were so mad when friends complained about these things so how dare you be angry.  That guilt never leaves it just morphs into other ways to torture you.

PTSD or whatever I don't really like to throw around labels like that has gotten better but tonight was rough. I typically put Amanda to bed around 8... 7 if she skipped her nap.  Tonight she went to bed at 7, no issue she was very tired.. Straight to sleep.  Typically I do not come to bed until 10 or later but I will check on her numerous times. I have to see her breathe .. I have to see that she is not face down as she is a belly sleeper.  Tonight I visited with Emily and then my husband, I did not check on her.  After ignoring my urges a different feeling comes..... My heart races, I feel clammy, my mind is on constant replay. Finding Megan. Not moving. Over and over while I calmly pretend that I'm fine. Bed time, I just stare at the door.  See I've progressed to the point where I would rather not find out that she is dead. Just breathe.  I know she's ok but I don't know that she is ok.  Will I scream? Did I scream last time? It's this struggle that I can't seem to get out of sometimes.  I walk away. I don't check, instead I go and rub the husbands back. He hurt his back really bad and has been sleeping on the firmer bed as it's easier on him. I could easily ask him to check her and I can't get the words out. Tears run down my face and it's dark and he has no idea.. No I can't ask him, he'd want to know why. I'm  not ready to break the facade,   I'm doing ok, I'm alright.  Finally I leave. She's been left alone for 3.5 hours.  It's nothing, it's 3.5 hours but I know she's dead and I know she's alright. I walk in, turn on the light because I'd rather her waken than take me longer to confirm she's dead. The lights don't phase her.  I stand at the door ready to flee. I wait. I stare and I wait and I hold my breath until I see it.  Then you have to wait even longer because when you stare at things your mind plays tricks on you. Did you see that? I did,   She moves her head. She's alive. Relief floods through me. Is this a daily occurrence? No. Not to this degree and I usually don't ignore my urges but I'm trying to move forward. To be normal.

I have her sleeping in a toddler bed most of the night. I can sleep as well. Can you even imagine how hard that was for me, but she needed it.  I doubt I will be ready for her to leave the room any time soon but it's a start.  Right now my next goal is to keep her in her bed next to the wall.  When I go to bed, I pull her bed next to mine. Baby steps. It's progress.

Alaska is cold. Alaska is pretty. Alaska has some neat animals aka the moose.  Alaska is cold and white and dark.  We are acclimating well but it is hard to never see any color. It is white.  The sun rises at 11 and leaves at 3:30 ish.  Did I mention that it's cold? Emily is settling in well with school, dad is settling in to his new job and Amanda and I hang out and clean and play and that's about it so far.


Heather Russell said...

HUGS, thank you for sharing a piece of your life to help us who care about you better to understand. I didn't know you were moving to Alaska. I am proud of you for trying to move forward with accepting your children are okay when sleeping and take your time, I know, I truly know, that you are an amazing mother, that you are working on it and it will come as you try and don't rush yourself. HUGS.

Monica said...

You are a good mama. I've been following your blog for a while. I was worried about SIDS from the beginning with my kids, but since I encountered your blog, I've worried about losing an older child also. I have a 4.5 year old and a 2 year old, and I can tell you that the thought crosses my mind "Is he/she okay?" almost every single time I open the door to wake them up and I've never experienced the loss of a child like you have. I'm not sure if that's normal for everyone, but it is normal for me as I am a worrier by nature. Thank you for sharing your stories.

Angela said...

I know that panic. My little family of four sleeps all together right now. I have to hear them breathe. I have to know my husband and kids are okay when I wake up scared in the middle of the night.

Stacey said...

Oh how i feel your pain and i feel like we are in very similar places right now. I can relate to not blogging, what can i possibly say...I've started to answer the how many kids question by leaving Blake out because i'm just tired of the comments/questions it brings, but then i feel an odd emptiness when i don't mention him. and lastly, i know the feeling of not wanting to check on them because you would rather not know if they are's a horrible feeling. on a happier note, i'm glad you are adjusting well to Alaska!! xoxo

Em said...

I'm happy to see an update from you. I've been thinking about you and Alaska...we're not too far south from you in northern Alberta.

Karen said...

Hi Jenny

Your blog is great and you are very brave and honest sharing your story.

I would love you to visit my blog as we too lost our child and I understand the anxiousness and fear you have with your other child.

I send you much strength.

Karen Lang

Jamie said...

So glad to hear from you and hear you are adjusting well to Alaska!


Anonymous said...

Hi Jenny,
Your blog got me through the first couple weeks after I lost my 18 month old son. My pain is so new and I'm still slightly numb. It kills me that you had to go through this too. Youve inspired me to blog, I just haven't shared it with anyone besides my husband. Thank you for your words.

Heather Russell said...


Susan said...

M is still in with me. I have no issue with it. I think she is totally happy sleeping there, and it's actually very normal and natural for a toddler. If she asks to move to her own room, well there is her room there for her... don't beat yourself up for feeling anxious about Amanda - you are a good mother to all your girls and you are doing them no harm xx

marisa said...

Hi Jenny,

I as well have been away from blogging for a while but was happy to see that you started blogging again. Your posts are always so honest. Alaska sounds like a beautiful place and yes, very cold! I think of you often as you a d I share that same horrible day. You will be in my thoughts as that day approaches.


Mindy said...

Hi Jenny, I lost my daughter August 9, 2014 presumably from SUDC. It's too soon to tell but it's very likely that ME's will never figure out a cause. It's like all the other SUDC stories that are so much alike. She went to sleep a healthy child and never woke up. She too had an ear infection she had just gotten over with a course of antibiotics. We had just visited the pediatrician two weeks prior to her death and got a clean bill of health. Just doesn't make sense. I stumbled on to your blog after googling for SUDC blogs and I just feel a connection to what you've written. It's so raw and I feel like you're reading my soul. I have images of that day that haunt me. My son who's 5 sleeps with me in my bed. I wake up several times a night (PTSD) and check on his breathing. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Please continue to write and share your thoughts because even when you think no one is reading...there are people you are helping. Thank you for sharing your life story with us. Thank you for sharing Megan with us. I will send a copy this to your email so we can keep in touch.