It is rough

It is rough sometimes moving forward.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for another child to die.  It's a fact of life. People die and I seem to be one of the chosen.  A person deemed so awesome that it was decided I could handle this. Which we all know is a crock of crap. Of course you get more than you can handle, there is no stopping of time .. The show must go on.

I have shied away from blogging, turned into one of those people who I really wished would continue blogging when I was so desperate to find others in pain like me.  You get tired of the same thing said over and over. I hurt. I'm alone. People don't say their name. People don't ask questions. How many children do I have? It gets so confusing and draining.

Most days I'm good, I check on Amanda a lot. I try not to get to mad but she still is a child and people get mad.  Then you feel guilty because you wished and prayed for this.. You were so mad when friends complained about these things so how dare you be angry.  That guilt never leaves it just morphs into other ways to torture you.

PTSD or whatever I don't really like to throw around labels like that has gotten better but tonight was rough. I typically put Amanda to bed around 8... 7 if she skipped her nap.  Tonight she went to bed at 7, no issue she was very tired.. Straight to sleep.  Typically I do not come to bed until 10 or later but I will check on her numerous times. I have to see her breathe .. I have to see that she is not face down as she is a belly sleeper.  Tonight I visited with Emily and then my husband, I did not check on her.  After ignoring my urges a different feeling comes..... My heart races, I feel clammy, my mind is on constant replay. Finding Megan. Not moving. Over and over while I calmly pretend that I'm fine. Bed time, I just stare at the door.  See I've progressed to the point where I would rather not find out that she is dead. Just breathe.  I know she's ok but I don't know that she is ok.  Will I scream? Did I scream last time? It's this struggle that I can't seem to get out of sometimes.  I walk away. I don't check, instead I go and rub the husbands back. He hurt his back really bad and has been sleeping on the firmer bed as it's easier on him. I could easily ask him to check her and I can't get the words out. Tears run down my face and it's dark and he has no idea.. No I can't ask him, he'd want to know why. I'm  not ready to break the facade,   I'm doing ok, I'm alright.  Finally I leave. She's been left alone for 3.5 hours.  It's nothing, it's 3.5 hours but I know she's dead and I know she's alright. I walk in, turn on the light because I'd rather her waken than take me longer to confirm she's dead. The lights don't phase her.  I stand at the door ready to flee. I wait. I stare and I wait and I hold my breath until I see it.  Then you have to wait even longer because when you stare at things your mind plays tricks on you. Did you see that? I did,   She moves her head. She's alive. Relief floods through me. Is this a daily occurrence? No. Not to this degree and I usually don't ignore my urges but I'm trying to move forward. To be normal.

I have her sleeping in a toddler bed most of the night. I can sleep as well. Can you even imagine how hard that was for me, but she needed it.  I doubt I will be ready for her to leave the room any time soon but it's a start.  Right now my next goal is to keep her in her bed next to the wall.  When I go to bed, I pull her bed next to mine. Baby steps. It's progress.

Alaska is cold. Alaska is pretty. Alaska has some neat animals aka the moose.  Alaska is cold and white and dark.  We are acclimating well but it is hard to never see any color. It is white.  The sun rises at 11 and leaves at 3:30 ish.  Did I mention that it's cold? Emily is settling in well with school, dad is settling in to his new job and Amanda and I hang out and clean and play and that's about it so far.