The first thanksgiving without her.

Last year at this time I had two little girls.  I still have two little girls but only one is alive now.  Last Thanksgiving, Megan was sick.  It was the sickness that started the season of never ending sickness for her.  She was 14 months old.  She wasn't walking, she was cruising lots though.  Even though I no longer remember, I'm sure she enjoyed it.  I'm sure she had pumpkin pie and turkey dinner.  She was a good eater.   As hard as I try I cannot remember that day other than her being sick.  She had a horrid sinus infection.  Its all I remember and I want to remember more.  Its not enough. 

I'm thankful that I had her in my life for 18 months.  I do not know where I would be in life If I had never known her.  I miss her so much that somedays I think my heart will just stop beating because of the pain of missing her.  Missing such a vital important part of my life.  My little girl.  I cannot stop the tears this morning.  Remembering her, holding her, that beautiful smile, and that adorable  laugh. 

When I think of the pain and the sadness that I am in now, would it be better to have never known her?  If I had the choice to choose whether or not she was mine, If I could have chosen if this pain was worth having; worth knowing and loving her.  Yes I would, some days it would be easier to not have to live with the sadness, but to have never known her would be worse.  All the sadness and the tears in the world aren't enough.  She brought so much joy to this world, so much happiness because we knew her.  She was always happy to give away kisses and hugs, she loved playing with her sister and trixie.  She brought me to a  different level, I learned so much in the short time with her, about myself and patience. 

I struggle every day without her and there have been days where I want to rip every single  picture i  have of her up around the house, because that anger is so strong.  Why did she let go, why did she leave me?  I would have fought for her.  I didn't know a battle was brewing.  I didn't know it would end so quick.  I didn't know a nap time would last an eternity.  I didn't know. 

Losing a child is one of the worst things anyone will ever go through in their lives.  I am still reeling from the pain and loss and I don't see and end in sight.  I see her toothy little smile and I hope I never forget how soft her baby fine hair was against my cheek.  I Hope I never forget how happy she made me, how hard she giggled when you tossed her in the air.  I hope I never forget that little hyena laugh she had  and how it felt to have her  on my chest, breathing, snuggling in my arms. 

I am thankful that I knew her, I am thankful for the pain because pain is not forgetting.  I am thankful I was able to share her  with so many, that we were home with family for her entire life.   The army moves you around so much that there was a big chance we could have been elsewhere and her love and happiness would not have been shared or known.    I am thankful that I got to see Emily have a sibling if only for a short while.  I am thankful that they loved each other so much. 

Yet, I am angry and that is to be expected. I miss her.  I miss the person I was then and I hope I can find that person again but I will never be whole.

I hate you

Yes hate is a strong word.  I don't hate everyone, I don't even hate everyone I think I do.  It is just what pops in my head when I see you driving around with your kids not in carseats, not buckled and jumping all over.  Its immediate, that thought just floods me and for that moment in my life I hate you.  In the last week I have seen this 6 times.  Six times!
Why do you get to be so neglectful with your childs life and have them live? Why do you get to wake up to their kisses and hugs every single day?  You are an idiot.  You do not let your toddler jump all over the seat.  You do not put 6 freaking kids in the back seat of a honda.  You do not hold your 6 month old baby in your lap.  You do not flip me off when I open mouth stare at you while you pull out of the parking lot with kids jumping all over in your car. 
It isn't fair.  I would like to be a caring and loving person who understands that everyones situation is different.  I would like to not be so filled with rage because of the unfairness of it all.  The fact is I'm jealous and I'm hateful and maybe I am not a nice person.  Why? 
I want so much more than this. 
Why me? Why her? 

Last night I cried

I start thinking about my blog and things I want to say when I'm lying in bed.  The problem is, if I don't get up and write down the ideas then I lose them.  Almost anytime I start thinking about her while I'm in my bed, that day just comes back in total focus.  I know my head rests is where she took her last breaths.  Some days its almost comforting and some days its torture.  Your push your own face into that mattress and just breathe and breathe and breathe and wish that everything would just stop, life would stop.  I can breathe for a long time with my face smushed into the bed, why couldn't she?

A Pair of Shoes

Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I am just so sad

Today, I can't help it, I can't stop the tears from falling.  My heart aches for my daughter.  I can't even imagine what she would look like now, I can't imagine what she would be doing, she is forever in my eyes just a 18 month old.  That's all she will ever be. 
Today I feel like I am be swallowed by sorrow, I feel alone and scared.  I'm scared to move forward and I'm scared to stay here in limbo.  I wish I could go back into the past, so many things Id treasure even more.

It wasn't enough

Every time I see a ambulance I wonder if they are the ones that came to my house.  I see them with their flashing lights and have no hope, because for me there was no hope.  She didn't get to go to the hospital.  She didn't get to leave my kitchen table.  All those tubes all those people and me sitting calmly on the couch knowing my kid was dead beyond hope.  Dead.