Saturday, February 22, 2014

Why is it so hard to write about grief now?

It will be four years in March.  How can it be four years since this little girl was in my life?
Living, breathing, smiling, laughing, walking, talking, amazing me every day and full of life.  Living.  She lived.  She was and still is my heart.  You go through something like this and nothing in your life will every be right or sane or normal again.  You cannot lose a child and hope that you will be fine, that you will be the same person you were.  You will never be that person again. 

You will never be the person you once were.  You may learn to enjoy life again, you may be able to look back and be sad and miss them so very much but you'll never be you before tragedy.   We now know that good things happen to good people.  I sometimes stop and wonder if she would upset that I am letting myself get worked up over something I have no control over and then I wonder how I can just sit idly by while people get hurt.  It can be easy to turn a blind eye to something when you know you shouldn't. 

Four years later I am sitting in Alaska, freezing my behind off and wishing I was back home so I could visit Megan's grave.  To be with family so that they can experience more of the "girls who lived" lives.  Emily is so stubborn and a fireball.  She is so much like me but so much like her father that we clash so often.  She is just amazing tho watching her develop her personality into this amazing girl who will be double digits this year.  How does that even happen? How does time move like this?   Years just passing by.

Amanda is 2.5 now and she is just hilarious.  So different from the other two. She stomps to the corner when she is mad and crosses her arms.  She has only recently started throwing tantrums.  She can be hard to redirect because she seems to hold grudges lol.  She is pretty amazing tho and im blessed to have her in my life.  To have and have held all three in my life is absolutely amazing.

 What happens when you get snow down your back? brrrr
 Of course we must eat as much snow as humanly possible. 
The negative temps here are not to be messed with.  Bundled up we can only handle about 15 minutes at a time.

 I do get to see these gorgeous lights pretty often :) Definitely a perk leaving here in Alaska.


Lisa C said...

Jenny, my thoughts are with you this week, more so than usual.

Blameless said...

There is a bitter-sweetness that comes with healing.

There is a relief that despair is losing its grip on your life, yet also a fear that it will return and catch you offguard.

You amaze me with your journey, Jenny! Keep showing us how you travel (both figuratively and literally!), so that you can be a light for others.

Love you!

Shelby said...

I just finished reading your blog from beginning to end. I cried my eyes out, my heart breaks for you. I simply can not imagine what you are through. I have a 14 and 12 year old, they had a very rough start to life both being born at 32 weeks and that was almost more than I could bear. You have been through so much more, more than anyone should ever have to grow through. You get up everyday and face the world without your little girl, your beautiful Megan. But I think part of you does it for her, you wrote that she was always happy. Megan would want you to be happy and move on with your life like you are and making new memories. You will never forget her, how could you she was your precious little baby, a piece of your heart and part of who you are as a mother and a person. I hope you find the days easier ahead and remember the ones of the past with a smile when you can and tears when needed. Hang in there you can do this, even if it is one day at a time.