I wish I could

I wish I could imagine her now at the age of 3 running around, talking, and being silly.  As I was sitting at gymnastics today, there were some 3 year olds running around and I just can't picture her. Makes me so sad.  I miss her so very much.  Emily misses her so much.  She was looking at pictures on my phone the other day in the car and when I turned to get my phone back she had tears running down her face.  They were supposed to be sharing a room, bunk beds were supposed to be in that room.  Emily wanted a little sister to sleep with when they were scared or just needed someone.  Yes we have Amanda but its starting all over.  Shes a baby that can't do anything you know.  I hate grief. I hate it.  I hate missing my child so much. I want her here, I want all of my girls.  It isn't fair.   

Two worlds

I read this post yesterday and really realized how true it feels.  Now i understand why all of those people quit their grief blogs and start new ones.  I always said, I won't do that.  I won't stop writing  just because I may have other happier things to write about.  There is a archive right?!

Really does feel like we are in two worlds, I have been struggling with feeling guilty.  How many times have we as BLMoms said, "I would give anything to deal with that again." In regards to someone else complaining about their child.  Knowing that, knowing how I felt, the jealousy, the anger, everything and yet I still get frustrated and overwhelmed with the baby sometimes.  Are some things easier? Oh yes for sure, but its human to be annoyed that you either have to hear a baby scream or make dinner. Listen to the screams or go to the bathroom, listen to the screams or get your child ready for school etc etc etc.  I feel guilty, like these annoyances should not even enter my mind because I lost a child, a toddler.  I said I would give anything to have her here, puking on me, crying on me. Guilt, it is never going to end is it?

Amanda is 2 months old, she is 11lbs 2ozs and 23 inches now.  She is such a happy baby for the most part, she is getting to that fun stage where they smile all the time.  They may not look at you and smile but its still so wonderful to see their faces light up like that.  Holding a baby in my arms again is so wonderful, there is just something so very magical about a baby.  Cuddling one, snuggling, rubbing your face on their heads.  Its magical.  I have put Amanda in some of Megan's things and I thought It would bother me, to share what was hers with Amanda, but it doesn't.  I'm sure there will be a few things that I won't be able to share but right now it makes me smile to see her wear something of Megan's.  It makes her smile to.   Here is Amanda and Trixie 'helping' me do laundry.  I love how Trixie made herself comfortable on top of the pants lol.

Emily and Amanda watching "A little princess"