Spam

For months now every single day, just tons of spam comments. Why all of a sudden? I rarely get regular comments anymore and I know I don't post a ton but still all these spam comments are getting old.

Xavier's ashes

I recently came across this web page http://xaviersashes.com
I checked it out and seemed very  reputable. After my last online purchase from the baby loss world I was hesitant.  However it's a great page with a great meaning.  I ordered two things from them and I had them in my hand  within a week.  That's right, one week. I paid for a product and had it in my hand in a very  short time. Just as it should be. No almost 9 month wait. Here is their facebook page https://www.facebook.com/xaviersashes

Jewelry keepsakes

     We all know how difficult the days leading up to the "Day" is.  That has been my life for  the last week.  Its over now, another year done. I still cannot believe that it has been four years.    My little 5 1/2 year old who should be here but is not.  For me she is ageless.  I can't picture her older therefore to me she is forever 18 months. 
     A couple weeks ago someone approached me about doing a review of her company's remembrance jewelry.  I was flabbergasted and honored that she would ask me.  Of course I told her yes, she was super sweet to work with.  Her company is http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/.  T<a href="http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/“ rel=“nofollow">http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/</a>hey have some really beautiful pieces.  The cremation jewelry is so delicate and so very pretty.  You really couldn't go wrong with any item you ordered from them.  The piece of jewelry that called to me was a heart shaped pendant that you could have engraved with a picture of your family or loved one.  Something simple and elegant.   is the item I picked to review.  I sent in a picture and within two weeks I had it.  I was so impressed with how quickly she had this necklace made and shipped. Shipping to Alaska takes a little longer but it  arrived on such a needed day.  The 9th, the day before the day.  I cannot even tell you how comforting it was to have this beautiful necklace with Megan's face so close to my heart.  The website even has a very convenient chart that shows you where the different lengths of the necklace will hang depending on the size you order.  I really loved that because I was quite clueless.

It is simply gorgeous.  Try and try as I might I could not get a good picture of this necklace.  I do apologize but it is gorgeous, I am in love with it.   The back of the necklace also has a engraving.  Megan Olivia she still is my heart.

Isn't it lovely?  Thank you so much for allowing me this opportunity.  I cannot express my gratitude enough. 

Why is it so hard to write about grief now?

It will be four years in March.  How can it be four years since this little girl was in my life?

Living, breathing, smiling, laughing, walking, talking, amazing me every day and full of life.  Living.  She lived.  She was and still is my heart.  You go through something like this and nothing in your life will every be right or sane or normal again.  You cannot lose a child and hope that you will be fine, that you will be the same person you were.  You will never be that person again. 

You will never be the person you once were.  You may learn to enjoy life again, you may be able to look back and be sad and miss them so very much but you'll never be you before tragedy.   We now know that good things happen to good people.  I sometimes stop and wonder if she would upset that I am letting myself get worked up over something I have no control over and then I wonder how I can just sit idly by while people get hurt.  It can be easy to turn a blind eye to something when you know you shouldn't. 

Four years later I am sitting in Alaska, freezing my behind off and wishing I was back home so I could visit Megan's grave.  To be with family so that they can experience more of the "girls who lived" lives.  Emily is so stubborn and a fireball.  She is so much like me but so much like her father that we clash so often.  She is just amazing tho watching her develop her personality into this amazing girl who will be double digits this year.  How does that even happen? How does time move like this?   Years just passing by.

 

Amanda is 2.5 now and she is just hilarious.  So different from the other two. She stomps to the corner when she is mad and crosses her arms.  She has only recently started throwing tantrums.  She can be hard to redirect because she seems to hold grudges lol.  She is pretty amazing tho and im blessed to have her in my life.  To have and have held all three in my life is absolutely amazing.

 

 What happens when you get snow down your back? brrrr

 Of course we must eat as much snow as humanly possible. 

 

The negative temps here are not to be messed with.  Bundled up we can only handle about 15 minutes at a time.

 I do get to see these gorgeous lights pretty often :) Definitely a perk leaving here in Alaska.

IAMTAA update scam

At least twice a week I get comments on my blog concerning this organization.  It still absolutely sickens me so many grieving mothers have had the unfortunate displeasure of dealing with this person.
Someone just anonymously posted this blog page to me and I am now sharing with you.
http://theonlysanepersonhere.tumblr.com/

It is rough

It is rough sometimes moving forward.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for another child to die.  It's a fact of life. People die and I seem to be one of the chosen.  A person deemed so awesome that it was decided I could handle this. Which we all know is a crock of crap. Of course you get more than you can handle, there is no stopping of time .. The show must go on.

I have shied away from blogging, turned into one of those people who I really wished would continue blogging when I was so desperate to find others in pain like me.  You get tired of the same thing said over and over. I hurt. I'm alone. People don't say their name. People don't ask questions. How many children do I have? It gets so confusing and draining.

Most days I'm good, I check on Amanda a lot. I try not to get to mad but she still is a child and people get mad.  Then you feel guilty because you wished and prayed for this.. You were so mad when friends complained about these things so how dare you be angry.  That guilt never leaves it just morphs into other ways to torture you.

PTSD or whatever I don't really like to throw around labels like that has gotten better but tonight was rough. I typically put Amanda to bed around 8... 7 if she skipped her nap.  Tonight she went to bed at 7, no issue she was very tired.. Straight to sleep.  Typically I do not come to bed until 10 or later but I will check on her numerous times. I have to see her breathe .. I have to see that she is not face down as she is a belly sleeper.  Tonight I visited with Emily and then my husband, I did not check on her.  After ignoring my urges a different feeling comes..... My heart races, I feel clammy, my mind is on constant replay. Finding Megan. Not moving. Over and over while I calmly pretend that I'm fine. Bed time, I just stare at the door.  See I've progressed to the point where I would rather not find out that she is dead. Just breathe.  I know she's ok but I don't know that she is ok.  Will I scream? Did I scream last time? It's this struggle that I can't seem to get out of sometimes.  I walk away. I don't check, instead I go and rub the husbands back. He hurt his back really bad and has been sleeping on the firmer bed as it's easier on him. I could easily ask him to check her and I can't get the words out. Tears run down my face and it's dark and he has no idea.. No I can't ask him, he'd want to know why. I'm  not ready to break the facade,   I'm doing ok, I'm alright.  Finally I leave. She's been left alone for 3.5 hours.  It's nothing, it's 3.5 hours but I know she's dead and I know she's alright. I walk in, turn on the light because I'd rather her waken than take me longer to confirm she's dead. The lights don't phase her.  I stand at the door ready to flee. I wait. I stare and I wait and I hold my breath until I see it.  Then you have to wait even longer because when you stare at things your mind plays tricks on you. Did you see that? I did,   She moves her head. She's alive. Relief floods through me. Is this a daily occurrence? No. Not to this degree and I usually don't ignore my urges but I'm trying to move forward. To be normal.

I have her sleeping in a toddler bed most of the night. I can sleep as well. Can you even imagine how hard that was for me, but she needed it.  I doubt I will be ready for her to leave the room any time soon but it's a start.  Right now my next goal is to keep her in her bed next to the wall.  When I go to bed, I pull her bed next to mine. Baby steps. It's progress.

Alaska is cold. Alaska is pretty. Alaska has some neat animals aka the moose.  Alaska is cold and white and dark.  We are acclimating well but it is hard to never see any color. It is white.  The sun rises at 11 and leaves at 3:30 ish.  Did I mention that it's cold? Emily is settling in well with school, dad is settling in to his new job and Amanda and I hang out and clean and play and that's about it so far.