One of those days

Today is her birthday.  Today she would be turning 3, but no instead she is forever 18 months.

September 11, is the last big milestone I have, I suppose.  That is the day she has been gone longer than she was alive.  After that I guess its just birthdays, holidays, death day etc.

The lead up to the second birthday without her has been a lot easier than it was last year.  Someways thats a blessing and someways its pisses me off.  It shouldn't be easier, I should still be a crying sobbing mess because my child is gone.  Do you know how big a 3 year old is? How much hair she probably would have?  The things she could probably do?  I know we all say it "it isn't fair" and after awhile its like thats all I really have to say.  Its not fair.  I want my 3 year old. 

Watching your older child deal with the pain of no longer having their sibling sucks.  The other day Emily said to me, "Mommy, If i ever die in child life, do you promise to bury me next to my sister? " She breaks my heart sometimes. ♥  What am I supposed to say? She also said she hopes that she does not die in child life and then I said "I hope you never die."  To which she said, "we all die sometime."  Something we tell her all the time, you just don't expect them to say it back. 

Emily: Mama I really miss Megan

Me: I know you do, I really miss her to.
Emily: *sobbing* mama, sometimes when Megan made me really mad I would pinch her.
Me: Laughing and crying at same time. OH honey I would get mad at her to sometimes.
Emily: I just have always felt so bad about it :( I wish she was here so we could share a bedroom and that she was still alive.
Me: I know, I wish it to honey.

She misses her so much.  She shows it in different ways and most of the time I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks of her, but then we have these conversations and I just know that shes not forgotten. 

We will be celebrating her birthday the only way I can think of.  Balloon release, chalk art on her grave, pretty flowers,  and dinner.  One day later, but thats ok.   Its so frustrating that its all I can do. 
I'm trying to be excited over this new baby who will be here Sept. 19th, but its hard.  Still so many doubts, so much pain, so much disbelief and so much not being able to connect with this baby.  I know its normal for us loss mothers but its still hard to handle sometimes.   I'm tired and I feel so drained and I feel like I'm closing myself off to everyone.  I don't want to write here, I don't want to write out what feels like more empty words.  It just feels empty.  Were all hurting, saying the same things over and over and I just feel like I can't do it right now.  I just feel blah. 

My sweet childhood friend Ashlee's work had a free CPR class yesterday.  I figured that It would be a good idea to brush up on my skills.  I thought I was fine and then the memories kept hitting me.  The instructor is telling funny stories about doing respiration's and the patients puking and it just brought me back to that day.   I had to walk out and regroup.  Embarrassing to be crying in front of all these people I don't know, but I couldn't help it.  I did CPR on my daughter and there was no happy ending.  I had to go through with the class though, for this new baby.  I had to step up and make sure I still knew everything I needed to know.  I did it and I was ok in the end.  I know I was probably a little extra emotional since I knew the next day was her birthday.

Well thats the update for now anyways.  Thanks for reading.