deja vu

My husband is on night duty for the week.  8pm to 8am for 7 straight days.  Super fun I'm sure.  I get antsy sleeping alone sometimes, so against better judgement I've let Emily sleep with me a few times.  I say it like its a bad thing, and it is in a way because she is always asking to do this.  The fact is, shes 6 and shes just to big, but when dads gone I don't mind.  Its comforting and I can't hear anyways.  I have to have my bedroom door shut ,and I hate not being able to hear her when she needs me.  The first few days of being alone at night is hard. You get scared... so knowing shes with me helps me sleep.  I wish I could sleep with my hearing aides in, if shes sick at night,  scared at night, she always has to come to me because i  don't hear her. 

Anyways, it was late, I was heading to bed, shed been sleeping for awhile.  Since the hubby has been working all night, hes sleeping all day.  Which means i can't put away my clothes that have been stacking up.   I did it the night before last, turned on my light looked at my little girl sleeping and put away my clothes and then  I got dejavu.  I've done this before.

My heart dropped, I called out her name.  Emily wake up.   EMILY wake up.  Nothing no movement, shes even in the same spot where Megan was.  So i jump over my pile of clothes and I pull her to me and shes lifeless.  Shes so asleep that shes pure dead weight and I don't even know what to do, and then all of a sudden she moves.   I breathe again ....and I hold her close.... and move her to opposite side of the bed.   No tears just pure heart thumping, I cannot do this again adrenalin.   Tonight she's sleeping in her own bed because I spend most of the night touching her, pushing her, poking her, over and over  making sure shes breathing.  I can't sleep after that incident. 

I knew laundry was evil....... 

Today I put away laundry before hubby got home from work at 730 am.

 I am so haunted sometimes by seeing Megan on my bed and going through this dejavu feeling.  I always am a little haunted, but this just brings things so much closer to the surface...    Its horrible to hold your child and have them be so lifeless,so floppy.  To hear those noises, the gurgling.   Its hard.  Its something I will always have to deal with.   The EMT's worked on her on my kitchen table.  I cannot sit  anymore at that spot.  I refuse to sit where her body laid.   Any of the other three spots are OK, but not that one. 
I walk by and sometimes I see it all again.  I'll sit on my couch by the window and realize I sat there watching them working on her, talking on the phone to my  mother in law.  I remember hearing her screaming Megan's name when she walked in.   Then she tried to be in nurse mode and help and then she'd scream again and again these anguished moans.  I wanted to be the screamer so bad but I couldn't do anything.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't cry for what seemed like hours.   I was in shock but I was so calm.  I was so matter of fact.  I knew she was gone.  I knew that after 15 minutes when they never transferred her that nothing was going to bring her back.   I remember telling God, Please don't do this.  Please take me. 

14 days before daddy was going to come home.  I couldn't keep her alive for 14 more days so that he could see her.  All I could think about was how I failed him.  I was so worried that this was my fault.  That I did this somehow.   I'll see him look at me sometimes and I wonder if he's thinking, "what did she do... or didn't do?" She was my responsibility and i failed her, him, everybody. 

What I'm feeling, its normal.  Its full of pain and anguish and fear and disappointment.   They are valid feelings.  The guilt will eat you alive if you let it.  I will never let it, but If I don't share my feelings, If I don't bring it out to the open, then it gets buried.  It becomes secret, it festers.   My writing is not full of hope and joy yet.  Its real, unedited pain that I have to let out.  I have to say it out loud.  I have to be heard.   I have to let people know whats going on in my head when I seem so normal. I feel so normal most of the time.  These feelings, they aren't something that sits with you all day , every day.  Its random moments in life that get you.  Its little hiccups that set you back in memory lane. 


 Why is still the bad memories? Why don't I get to walk by and see her playing with the dog? Or eating in the  high chair?  Or dumping out all the cereals from the cupboard. Pushing her dolly around in the stroller.  Why can't I remember what she smelled like, how she felt in my arms?   Why can't I dream about her?  Maybe 2 times I've had dreams with her in it and they were not good dreams.   Why?  Maybe someday. 

Completely off subject.......
 I want to mention captchas.  I hate captchas.  I just thought you should know that.  I hate them with a passion.  I hate the ones that are so freaking hard that you end up doing it multiple times before it ever goes through.  I'm have a captcha tantrum right now.  I hate captcha.  HATE!