The end of the holiday season

Thank God.

I'm so ready for it all be over and done with.  I'm so done with love and the happiness and the sadness and I am just done.

2 years is coming up soon.  In less than 3 months, she will have been gone for 2 years.   How can it be 2 years already?  Its not fair.

The anger I am feeling today is just overwhelming me.  I'm super pissed that this happened to me.  I am so angry and I feel so unsure of myself and my parenting now.  How could I have done everything that I thought was so right and she died, she died and I'm here picking up the pieces all by myself. 
This is the punishment of grief.  I/we are alone in this grief, this madness. Does that even make sense? Probably not.
 I hate that I've moved on, I realize that If I don't move on, then I will never again feel happiness and joy... but that doesn't make it any easier. 
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those first few months, to feel that grief again because no matter how sad or how much I miss her the pain is nothing like it was then.  I know that it sounds ridiculous but there are just so many times that I wish I could just wrap myself in that grief again because those tears.. that pain... it somehow proves to myself how much I love her. 

Everyone else seems to move on so easily, its not that they don't say her name or remember her (though it feels that way to me sometimes). Its that I feel like I can't breathe still, I can't believe that she is gone and this really truly happened.  I have finally stopped calling Amanda, Megan.  She is finally her own separate person.  There is nothing more comforting than holding her in  my arms.  Nuzzling that sweet spot in the back of their neck.  Just breathing her in.  Watching her breathe, seeing her breathe, feeling her breathe. Just breathe baby, don't stop breathing.  I don't think I could take it, but I find myself thinking, ya you would.  You would just move on, like you have moved on after her and its like seriously?  Why am I thinking this way? I can't.  I won't.  I could not survive another death.
There is so much  joy but there is so much fear.  I feel like I have a little better of control on my 'crazy' now, but it isn't easy.  Its a struggle.  I know that she will sleep in her arms reach cosleeper just fine at night.  I know that I would enjoy sleeping on my stomach again for a few hours.  As soon as I talk myself into it, I talk myself out of it.   Lately I've even been putting her in the bassinet.  I will lie so that my face is even with her face.  Yet I cannot go to sleep. I feel this ache and the fear and I can't breathe.  The anxiety.  The fear of another child passing all alone is so overwhelming that after 20 minutes I pull her back into my arms. 
The crazy that is better is that I no longer wake every 20 minutes with the knowledge she is dead.  However I still have to check that she is breathing multiple times of the night but it isn't as heartbreaking as it used to be.  It almost feels normal.  My heart isn't beating out my chest in panic, but there is no ignoring the need. I have to feel her heart pounding away, her chest rising with each breath before I can fall back asleep for the 20th time of the night. 

There are times where she will fall asleep upset, not wanting to nurse, just wanting her pacifier and it devastates me.  Sometimes I think its ok, this is good she fell asleep without having to nurse.... shes asleep that's all that matters.  Then I think of Megan.   Its all I wanted her to do as well. I was mad when I wanted her go to sleep, she wouldn't leave me alone and she was fussy and I just needed a few minutes to myself.
How can I ever let her fall asleep and have her think I'm mad at her?  How can I let her sleep alone with me being upset that she won't nurse and won't  shush with her crying and boy oh boy this kid can cry!? How can she just lie there, content sucking that pacifier when so many emotions are whirling around me?
So i jostle her a bit so that she opens her eyes, I pick her up and hold her.  Content because now she knows I love her, she knows that she is in my arms.  Crazy right? Sounds crazy to me.

The last month

I have had 3 people reach out to me and my heart just breaks for all of them.  3 children who have passed away in the last 2 months.  A 15 month old little boy, A 21 month old little girl, and a 13 month old little girl.   Heartbreaking, to have so many losses this close to the holidays.  Any loss is heartbreaking but it always seems more depressing when you have so many other people blissfully unaware. 

I am always humbled to have people reach out to me, I am so thankful that this blog reaches people and helps give comfort.  I know that when Megan died, it seemed like so many blogs, were fake and outdated they all just stopped writing after awhile.  Fake as in they were so full of hope and faith and that isn't something a lot of us have in the beginning.  You may find that later on, but in the beginning you are angry and you are full of guilt and the sadness is so overwhelming that you just pray that you will not wake up tomorrow.   You cry yourself to sleep every day, you cry at the drop of a hat.  You cry so much that your face no longer gets red when you cry.  
Where was all the pain? The anger?  So when I started writing, I wanted to make sure that was something I shared.  We all do it, we all think this couldn't happen to me but it can.  Writing is one way for me share the pain, to help people emphasize with us.

It breaks my heart that so many children are gone so soon.  It shouldn't be this way. This isn't the plan we had for them. 

I'm still finding my way, trying to figure out how to blog when I'm so conflicted.  Having Amanda did not fix everything, we always knew that.  No rainbows fix all the pain but they really do help.  Right now she is sitting on my chest while i type this, sleeping, content, safe in my arms.   I keep kissing the top of her head and just brushing my cheek against her fuzzy head.  Something i so desperately missed about Megan.  I miss her so much.  Sometimes I think to myself, Amanda you wouldn't be here if Megan had died, but now I just think to myself how much I wish I had all 3.  I can imagine myself with a 7year old, 3 year old and 3 month old.   Only, Amanda will never get to know Megan except through us.  

I'm still finding my balance.  I'm still perfecting my answer to the question, "How many kids do you have? "  Sometimes I let people assume that Emily and Amanda are it, but if they start asking anything about them I tend to quickly let them know about Megan.  I just pop it out there, I also have another daughter who died at 18 months. Sometimes they ask about her and sometimes they just move on in the conversation after saying their "sorrys'.  Both are ok. 

I wish I could

I wish I could imagine her now at the age of 3 running around, talking, and being silly.  As I was sitting at gymnastics today, there were some 3 year olds running around and I just can't picture her. Makes me so sad.  I miss her so very much.  Emily misses her so much.  She was looking at pictures on my phone the other day in the car and when I turned to get my phone back she had tears running down her face.  They were supposed to be sharing a room, bunk beds were supposed to be in that room.  Emily wanted a little sister to sleep with when they were scared or just needed someone.  Yes we have Amanda but its starting all over.  Shes a baby that can't do anything you know.  I hate grief. I hate it.  I hate missing my child so much. I want her here, I want all of my girls.  It isn't fair.   

Two worlds

I read this post yesterday and really realized how true it feels.  Now i understand why all of those people quit their grief blogs and start new ones.  I always said, I won't do that.  I won't stop writing  just because I may have other happier things to write about.  There is a archive right?!

Really does feel like we are in two worlds, I have been struggling with feeling guilty.  How many times have we as BLMoms said, "I would give anything to deal with that again." In regards to someone else complaining about their child.  Knowing that, knowing how I felt, the jealousy, the anger, everything and yet I still get frustrated and overwhelmed with the baby sometimes.  Are some things easier? Oh yes for sure, but its human to be annoyed that you either have to hear a baby scream or make dinner. Listen to the screams or go to the bathroom, listen to the screams or get your child ready for school etc etc etc.  I feel guilty, like these annoyances should not even enter my mind because I lost a child, a toddler.  I said I would give anything to have her here, puking on me, crying on me. Guilt, it is never going to end is it?

Amanda is 2 months old, she is 11lbs 2ozs and 23 inches now.  She is such a happy baby for the most part, she is getting to that fun stage where they smile all the time.  They may not look at you and smile but its still so wonderful to see their faces light up like that.  Holding a baby in my arms again is so wonderful, there is just something so very magical about a baby.  Cuddling one, snuggling, rubbing your face on their heads.  Its magical.  I have put Amanda in some of Megan's things and I thought It would bother me, to share what was hers with Amanda, but it doesn't.  I'm sure there will be a few things that I won't be able to share but right now it makes me smile to see her wear something of Megan's.  It makes her smile to.   Here is Amanda and Trixie 'helping' me do laundry.  I love how Trixie made herself comfortable on top of the pants lol.

Emily and Amanda watching "A little princess"

Almost 6 weeks

I wanted to share a few pictures :)

  My 20lb ^Megan Bear^  from Mollybears.com.  She is also wearing big sister Megan's dress. She was all smiles.

 Always has this little serious face.  Its probably more of a flash face but I like to call it her being serious face lol.

 Sisters :)

Big sister Megan in her dress

This picture is of Emily, when I saw it I instantly saw Amanda as well.

I can't write

I want to write so badly, I want to share how crazy and neurotic I feel.  I want to write about the depth of pain and love and sadness and happiness I am going through, yet I can't.

It seems that writing about my grief was easy, didn't care what people thought.  My only goal was to get people to understand the pain as best they could.  Yet now? I feel judged, I feel alone. 

Am I really judged and alone? Probably not, but it feels that way.  I love Amanda so very much and I'm so tired of looking at her and not seeing her.  I look for what is wrong with her.  Something has to be wrong with her and I have to find it.  I have to find it before I have to hold another dead child in my arms.  I inspect the soft spot, I inspect her face, I inspect her breathing.  Her breathing, always with a hand on her chest...

I can't let the fear go.  My husband has been wonderful and understanding but I think he may soon start getting angry with me.  Doesn't understand why I can't realize that Megan's death was a fluke.  It won't happen again.  These things don't happen over and over.  I need to be positive.  The stress of worrying is doing nothing for my mental help.  On and on and on.

If it were only that easy.  If I could turn off the switch that remembers holding my dead daughter in my arms.  If I could turn off the switch that remembers finding her lifeless.  Lifeless on my watch. 

I made this choice.  I made the choice to go through this again because holding a baby is healing.  Its just not healing me quick enough?  I'm not depressed.  I'm just scared and becoming a bit obsessive.  Waiting for this bit of happiness to be taken from me.

Holding her in my arms, its one of the best feelings in the world.  Its indescribable.  She brings so much more joy in our lives.  I just wish I could get away from this anxious feeling.  I just don't want her to leave me to.  I almost wish I could say I was depressed so I could go on medicine.  I'm just scared and anxious and a worrywart times 10. 

I think the main reason I don't want to write is because I want to write about my fears, I want to write about how neurotic I feel.  This isn't my 24/7 life though and whenever I write about it, I can't stop thinking about what others might think of me.  I hate that.  My release has been in writing and I have never been one to write in sunshine and rainbow talk.  I like to get down and dirty, to share my innermost thoughts without shame or guilt.  Now I feel like I'm censoring, If i say this, maybe they won't think I need "to talk to someone" or "need happy pills".  I guess I always think that the happiness is just implied ...of course its there.  Of course I'm not running around like a mad person never letting Amanda sleep.  I clean the house with her sleeping alone in my bedroom for goodness sakes.  The last place I thought I would be able to let her sleep alone.   I live life, I'm no longer just a functioning robot getting things done. 

Why can't I stop thinking that everyone no longer cares how hard it is for me sometimes.  Why can't I stop thinking that everyone else thinks she was my cure all so I should be all better?  Seems like most of my friends that have taken this step .. they all seem so normal.   No neuroses lol.  Just happy go lucky baby posts.  Where is the fear? 

Birth, pain, joy, sadness

Where do I even start? I'm so torn between everything that is going on in my life. 
Emily and Megan are big sisters.  September 19th we welcomed another girl into our family.  Amanda Marie was 8lb 7oz and 20.5 inches.  She is healthy, cuddly as can be and looks so much like her big sisters its incredible.

I would like to make the claim like so many others have told me.  I loved her instantly, I may not have really bonded with her during the pregnancy, always so scared to let myself get to close.  Yet the moment I held her in my arms, this squalling, starving little girl (can't believe its another girl) I just knew.  No matter what happens, shes mine and I love her. 

My fears are 'there' but they are not as overwhelming as I thought they would be.  I can let her sleep and walk out of the room, but we also have not slept in the bedroom yet.  Recovering from a c-section its easier on me to sleep on the couch.  Plus just  the beginning of breastfeeding its nice being somewhere I can get on the computer or watch tv to keep myself awake.  
However, I often have to poke her, pick up her arm and drop it, anything to get a response.   I often look at her sleeping and think "OMG she is dead, shes to peaceful, shes to quiet, is her face purple?"  I'm pretty sure its a normal reaction/fear for someone in my position.  As the days have gone by it seems to be letting up a little.  

She seems so perfect, but so did Megan.  So was all of my friends children.  The paranoia is so fresh, everything seems so bad.  I don't want others holding her, touching her, I can't sleep if shes not right next to me and that means I'm not sleeping because I'm now I'm completely overwhelmed with baby loss stories. 
If I could hear I think she would be sleeping in her own bed, I try to do it and the only way I am able to let her sleep an hour or so at night in her bassinet is if I sleep with my hearing aide in.   Doesn't matter if shes right there, go into a deeper sleep and without the hearing aid, without her right on me, I don't hear her until shes so upset.  I hate that. Always have, which is why they have all slept with me so that I know right away when they are upset.

Emily told me that she often has to pick up her arm and drop it and make her move as well.  A 7 year old feels the need to make sure her sister hasn't died yet daily.  How sucky is that :(
I told Emily that Amanda will be here tomorrow the other day.  She didn't want to go to bed, she wanted to keep holding her for just awhile longer.  She looked up at me and said, "You don't know that."  "Nobody knows that for sure."   What can I possibly say to that?  She went to school expecting her sister to be ready and willing to play with her when she got home and instead she got a dead sister.  Yeah, shes right, we will never know that we will be here tomorrow.

Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Mandy, Mandy Mandy.  We love your name and yet we continue to call you Megan.  I've been saying maybe we should change your name to Meg-andy.   I'm sure its something we will stop pretty soon.  It bothers me but it doesn't.  They look an awful lot alike. 

I miss Megan so very much.  Holding Amanda in my arms helps.  It really does.  I'm still so scared, I whisper to her, "Please don't die, please don't leave me. I love you so much" 

Amanda is just the sweetest little thing, has been a great little nurser, a decent sleeper.  Shes actually pretty boring right now with doing nothing but sleep and eat.  The cuddles though, nothing beats baby cuddles.  So very hard to get used to doing that much work again.  So much harder to leave the house, so many things have to be done and brought with you and its difficult and frustrating when its not something you have had to deal with for awhile. 

Sad and teary

Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look I see her looking at me.  The places her pictures sit pulling a "Mona Lisa".  Some days I can just glance at them and walk away and then some days I can't walk away.  I stand mesmerized unable to turn away, unable to not touch her face and I am overwhelmed with my loss.  Overwhelmed with the knowledge that I will never hold her again, I will never hear her earthly laugh again, I will never see that impish smile of hers except in pictures.   A few more days and she will be gone as long as she lived.  A year and half.  I've been grieving for a year and half and some days it seems so easy and days like today I am overwhelmed. 

As I stood there staring at her pictures on the fridge I couldn't stop saying I was sorry.  Sorry that I failed her, sorry that I couldn't make it all better.  So so sorry that I didn't know.  Sorry that I walked away from her when she wanted me.   Sorry that this wasn't something I could fix. 

Then when after the never ending guilt hits, I got angry.  Angry that I don't get to see her 3 years old.  Angry that she isn't here, angry that life is so much easier without a toddler.  Angry that so many people seem to forget.  Angry that everyone assumes that this baby is my second child and angry that I don't want to explain it.  Angry that it doesn't make me feel any better when I say, NO I have a 7 year old girl named Emily, and I have a 18 month old who will forever be 18 months old named Megan. 

I just miss her so much.  Picturs below are how we celebrated her birthday.