Sadness

I just spent 20 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor quietly sobbing. Hoping I didn't wake up Michael. Finally smarted up and came out here and decided to get on the computer. Its been a couple of days since I had a good sob i guess.
I really don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel so alone even though I have family and so many friends around me. My little girl is gone. She is gone and the grief is overwhelming me. I cannot even begin to describe how it feels, how much it hurts. No parent should ever ever have to go through this. She was such a joy, she brought me so much joy to me and to everyone around her. She was my ray of sunshine on my darkest days. How does something like this happen? I wanted her so badly, it almost feels like a punishment. Is it karma? Boy I really messed up somewhere. How does this happen, why does this happen to people? It just isn't fair. I should have her in my arms right now, I should be giving her kisses and running my fingers through her hair. The little she had anyways lol. My pretty baldie baby princess.

I keep getting this frantic feeling that people are going to see pictures of Megan and just automatically assume they are pictures of Emily when she was little. I know it sounds silly. She's my Mego, my Megs, my sweet angel. My only brown eyed baby girl.
Aren't you supposed to find comfort somewhere in the whole knowing shes with God? Its not very forthcoming I can tell you that. Lately this prayer just keeps going through my head. If I had known I would never ever put her down for a nap. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Or if I die before I wake, I pray for God my soul to take.

I've found lots of people who are grieving, I've even found a couple of ladies who are going through exactly what I'm going through, all of us three days apart. One lost her 20 month old on March 4, One lost her 19month old on March 7th and me with my 18 month old March 10th. Our babies one months apart and died 3 days apart respectively. All baby girls. What a coincidence right?
I know we all grieve differently and I know so many people around the world are grieving with me/us but I still feel so absolutley selfish when I think that nobody nobody knows what im going through, nobody can understand this pain, this heartache. But they do and I'm not alone.

Is it destiny that we all find each other? Are our baby girls playing together in heaven? What a pleasant thought right.

I hate belonging the dead child club. I would give anything to have her back. Anybody know where the pet semetary graveyard is? lol. I have tears running down my face, snot all over and I had to put in the pet semetary bit. It made me laugh. I'm lucky that I have my husband with me now, it makes things easier for me, he keeps me grounded and moving forward. But if I could change places, if i could have him gone finishing his tour and have her back with me, there woudl be no question.
I miss her so much. I know missing her will get easier as time goes by, I know nothing will ever fill the voild, the emptiness, the hole that she left but I do know it will get easier.

I'm not needed like i was and its so hard to accept that. Sure people need me but not like she needed me. The house is so empty without her. Staying up late and getting all the cuddles she used to give me. Taking a bath, oh baths are so hard. She was always there with me at bath time, she would always throw herself in with me, she loved baths so much. My water baby.

I have to go through her clothes and her toys and I don't want to but I don't want anyone else to touch her stuff. I have till May 17th to get it done. Just thinking about doing this makes my heart race. ITs going to be so hard.
In my mind I can see her face so clear, I can almost reach out and touch her. I think I've gotten to the point to where I don't need answers as much as I did before. Like my husband says nothing is going to change what happened, shes gone. I think I realize how gone she is a little every day. You know they are gone but its not till all the little things hit you one by one that you really truly understand.

Something as simple as being able to have a candle on my coffee table. I keep wanting to move it because I know its not safe there but it doesn't really matter now because there are no little fingers to bang it on the table. I put some cleaners under the kitchen sink and went to lock the cupboard up and stopped myself because there is no need. Every single time I am in the car I want to put her in her carseat or take her out. But its not there anymore, because she is not here anymore. So many times I've hopped out of the car and turned and for that quick second I'm so happy and content and then I remember.

The guilt, the overwhelming guilt that I feel every single day. I have guilt from not holding her for that nap, for walking away, and I have guilt for smiling and moving on. Every day I move farther and farther away from her. She is destined to become nothing but a memory. A wonderful blessing but just a memory that so many of us share. I keep asking myself if maybe i just wanted her to much. Did I somehow do this with this thoughts of something like this happening? I had the thoughts, the fears but you never really ever expect those to come true.
I'm scared. There are so many things I should be doing right now but im so scared to move forward, im not sure if i can take the steps I should be talking. Shes gone and as awful as it sounds it makes certain things easier right now. Things I should do. I havent' worked since 2003. The big bad world is scary and the mamabear inside me is in hiding. I don't want to lose her but I've already lost her. I can't explain it, i just feel like it will take me farther and farther away. Some of you know what I want to happen by the end of the year and that scares me to. I go back and forth with the doubts. You can tell me all day long that I'm a good mother but the fact is, my kid died on my watch, I don't really feel overly capable right now.
I feel like I need to spread the word about SUDC but what
good is it going to do? Besides make everyone worry.. Its not like SIDS, there is no lay them on their back, there is no have a fan in their room blah blah blah. This happens after they turn one, after they are deemed 'safe'. There isn't a 18 month old around that can't lift up their head so they don't suffocate, there isn't a 18 month old that isn't a pro at ripping the covers off, or moving around. But this happens, it happens more often than you think. Why does it happen? Why are there so many simlilarites between the cases but they can't find any solid concrete answers? Megan hasn't even been diagnosed with this, but the fact is its very likely. Its what I'm expecting even though I would probably get the most comfort out of some kind of undiagnosed congential defect or something. Something that would make it ok for me to have worried like I worried her whole life. Nobody knows about SUDC, its all SIDS SIDS. And advocating for it isn't going to relieve me, it isn't going to make another parent feel better, its going to scare the crap out of them.

I just hate this, hate moving on without her. My cuddle bug is gone. I didn't get to give her a million kisses, I don't get to see her grow up. I never got a drawing from her, I dont' get to see her learn to ride a bike, or even to run. It is so hard to have all your dreams and hopes for your child to just end.
I get sad and i get moody and I lose my patience entirely to quick. I'm going forward whether or not i like it. I'm so thankful for my family and my friends. I'm thankful to have found the ladies I found, to have someone to talk to about everything. To know they are feeling and dealing with the same things, walking in my shoes and I am not alone.

You can ask me all day long how im doing and I will always tell you fine, or alive. To them though I can let it all out because they know. I feel like such a downer sometimes and I'm trying to not be but its hard. You have to wonder why some people get to have kids, why they get to keep their kids when they are abusive and mean and neglectful and etc yet we are the ones who lost our kids. It doesn't make sense.
I looked into her eyes and I told her I would always keep her safe. That I would always love her with all my heart. I feel like I failed. My one job was to keep the kids safe and healthy and happy while daddy was gone and I failed. I falied in the worst way. You can't just walk away from the guilt, I can't share the gult with anyone else it my cross to bare. 2 measly weeks, thats all. I'm a big fat failure.

I'm a strong person. I know I'm doing well under these circumstances. I konw I have to write like this and let my feelings out and have others read it because I have to be held accountable. I have to have other people know what I'm thinking. I do know I am strong because I have had my moments of weakness. Who woudn't? I'm still neeeded, I'm still loved. I can still be happy, I can still make others happy and feel loved. I can find joy and happiness in the little things still and i know thats good. It lets me know I haven't let the grief consume me. Even when I want to let it, I can't fall that far. I'm here. The tears don't come as easily as they used to. I"m slowly being able to look at pictures again. I still feel like someones crushing my chest though most of the time. What I wouldnt give to be able to smell her smell again, to breathe in that baby scent. She was such a good girl. I love her so much.
I hate talking about her in past tense and I find myself doing it more and more. It feels so wrong. It all feels so wrong.

more sadness

I guess nobody can really blame me for saying I'm sad. I am so sad. I miss Megan so much. My baby girl, missing her walk and play and watching her interact with Emily, with the dog. All the things she doesn't get to learn now, all the firsts we don't get to see. I stare at a picture and just wonder if there was clue, something I should have known or did. Just to hold her in my arms again, to feel her heart thumping against mine. To be able to kiss the top of her head just one more time. To properly say good bye.
I feel like I'm losing all of her memories. I know i should start writing them all down I just can't seem to make myself so the fear of losing them is even stronger. She made me smile and she made me laugh every single day. Even when i was at my wits end she would make me laugh. She always knew when you needed a hug and was always ready for a good cuddle and kiss.

I feel like asking everyone to start writing down their memories of Megan but I can't even do it myself. I want to remmeber the good, the bad everything. My heart is just hurting tonight. I'd do anything to change the way things happened.

Thats all i feel like writing i guess.

Regrets

Today, I have regrets. I'm looking at pictures from a lady who does excellent work in my hometown. I talked to her a few times and she was always in the back of my mind. How I really wanted her to do my girls pictures. I just kept putting it off and off and off. Now its to late.

Today I have regrets, I never took her to the zoo, I never took her to the ocean, so many things that are going through my mind right now. I'm a procrastinator, always have been. I always put things off and now i feel robbed because I don't get to do those things with her anymore. I don't get to make new memories with her anymore. How do I know that the memories I do have won't fade? How do I make sure that I will never forget?

Today I have regrets and It hurts so much. I don't have regrets in the way I took care of her, just in the things we missed out, will miss out on. All my life my biggest desire was just to be a mom. Its all ive ever wanted. I know some people don't understand that, but for me that was the biggestt most important step in my life.

I hate feeling like I've been robbed, I hate feeling jealous of others. I'm not comforted that shes with the lord, shes my baby and she should be with me. I looked at her grave the other day, its so small. Nobody should ever have to lay flowers on such a small grave. It isn't fair.

I feel sometimes like i'm healing to fast, like im moving on to fast. I feel guilty when I'm having fun and then i get mad at myself when i cry and I can't stop. When the pressure on my chest feels like a thousand pounds and I can't take in a deep breath and my heart starts pounding. I hate that my family is broken, that a part of me died with her. I hate that we must move on and that we can't stay here in this utter sadness.

I did everything right, but maybe i didn't adovate strong enough for her. I look back and think of all my fears and the things ive told people and I still dont know if what i did was enough. I think it was, it feels like it was. How do you differentiate between a mothers paranoia and actual sickness. Especailly when she never seemed that sick.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye like I woudl've wanted to. How my arms ache for her every day. How do you go on after something like this? My heart feels so empty but its not enitrely because I have him, and i have em. I have such good friends and I have such a wonderful family. Yet my arms are still empty and i hate it. What i woudlnt' give for just one more kiss, for one more hug. To hold her close, kiss the top of her head, nuzzle the back of her neck. Make her laugh and giggle. To hear her say mama.

I feel like I'm supposed to be lost in the sadness but my family and my friends won't let me. I'm thankful for that to a point but sometimes i still feel that overwhelming despair and I want to be lost in it and its so hard. The memories aren't always comforting. Walking into a place and knowing the last time you were there, you were happy and you were whole and then walking in there again now. Its different and wrong. I know I'm rambling but oh well, i cant remember my password/email for my blog lol.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

Functional

Someone asked me how I do it, How I survive each day. I'm not strong at all. I'm functioning. No one could ever comprehend what this is like till you've walked in my shoes. Its just not possible.

Many of you know that I've always felt like I just knew this would happen, that it had always been such a huge fear of mine. I used to think about it, how would I do this? Back then there was no hope, you saw no way to function, that there would be no sunshine in your life anymore. You can't even come close to imagining it because when you have them in your arms you aren't supposed to imagine things like that.
Now that I've been there I realize that life does move on no matter how often I wish it would stand still. I have another child that needs me, I have a husband that needs me. It gives me someone else to think about, someone else to make me happy. The pain hasn't lessened at all, its so sobering. walking into Walmart or other stores.... it is so painful. There are always little girls her age and oh so cute around. I find myself just staring longingly at them, jealous of them. I walk into a store and everyone is so happy and I find myself just wanting to shout "HEY my kid died" so maybe they wouldn't be as happy. I find myself wanting to go up to perfect strangers and tell them to hug their little ones close, to find that extra time to give them love. Life changes so fast, in a instant all your dreams and your hopes for the future can be gone. It doesn't mean they are all gone forever, you will climb out of that hole and realize you can make new hopes and dreams but it will never ever be the same.
I coudlnt' do this without my family, I can't even imagine it. I love them so much. The support I've received from them is wonderful. Having my husband home again its such a relief and he is such a help, without him I'd probably be a blubbering mess all day.

Its been over 3 weeks since i got to kiss/hold love on my baby girl. I'm scared to death for my husband to go back to work because I can't stand being alone. I want to start going back to the gym and I need to start it up soon but the thought of going to the daycare is like a stab in my heart. Not only will i have to see all the other kids Megan played with but I'm sure some of them will ask where she is. I could wait till Emily is back in school but that is just that much longer i have to wait to get myself onto some kind of routine. I hate it all. I hate that I don't have the patience i had with Megan with Emily, that she can drive me so insane.

She brings laughter but she brings pain to, they are so honest and straightforward and when I imagine the future of us without Megan it kills me. Parenthood is not for the weak lol. I'm not strong, I'm functional.
I miss my baby girl so much. Life will never be the same without her.

The worst day of my life

My name Is Jennifer
We are an army family and my husband had been deployed for 8 months. He was going to come home for RnR in 2 weeks. He hadn't seen his kids in 8 months. We were so excited. I couldn't believe that month was here, it was time.

*editing to add that she was only sick a lot the last 4 months of her life, other than those last 4 months she was extremely healthy*
Megan, was sick a lot. I took her to the doctors a lot. She always had fevers, she always had green snot. She was the happiest baby I had ever known. I know it sounds awful but I used to tell myself that she is so perfect maybe she isn't meant to be here long and then I would allow myself that extra time with her. To not get grumpy and not let her cry it out and things like that. I always had the fear that I would find her not breathing. All parents have that fear but it lets up after a few months, it never ever ever let up for me. I never had that fear like I did with my oldest daughter. I breastfed my daughter up until the day she died, I coslept her with until the day she died. She was 18 months old.

The beginning of March she was very sick, very hot. I couldn't get her fever down. Ikept calling the on call doctor and was just sitting on the couch with her laying on me. She had what i assumed was a febrile seizure.
It freaked me out, I took her into the doctor. There they worried about her temp, and her pulse rate was really high. They never checked her ears. They did do xrays but they said she was fine and they sent us home. I just wasn't comfortable with that so a few hours later i called the doctor and had us seen. She had a double ear infection, the er doctors (2 of them) both wrote that her ears were fine even though they never bothered to check them. It was late late so it didn't dawn on me till we had gone home at 4am that they never did. Her lungs didnt' sound bad but her oxygen level was a little low but not worrisome. They sent us home. On the way home the doctor from the hospital called said she had possible pneumonia but that the antibiotics that the doctor had prescribed for the ear infections would be fine. It was just amoxicillin and this kid had been on that 3 times since November so I was like no. Called our doctor again and he gave us a much stronger antibiotic.
After 2 doses of this medicine she no longer had a runny nose. I hadn't seen her without a runny nose since October. She seemed like she felt great. It was great.

She got the runs and i just assumed it was from the antibiotic. A week later she seemed fine but she still had the weird bm and she kept grabbing at her ear/head and she seemed clumsy. A friend was over and said the same thing, said oh maybe she still has the ear infection. It wasn't just me seeing this. She had a well baby appt scheduled on the 9th of march so since it was Sunday when we were talking about it we figured we'd just wait till the 9th, just one day. Went in and he wasn't concerned, she seemed fine and she did seem fine. Happy as can be. That's the thing, she never seemed that sick because she was literally always happy, i mean shed get cranky and everything but she would literally bounce back like nothing.

I've always thought something was wrong with her and just didnt' know what. That Monday night, i had a horrible dream about her. She was so sick and the doctors were yelling at me saying ti was all my fault. She died that Wednesday. That dream shook me up so much. Then that happened, i mean really. I used to lick her because i read that cystic fibrosis kids skin tastes salty. I've always thought something more was wrong but she seemed so fine. Her breathing was always so loud and she snored and she was so perfect.

That Wednesday morning was the best. She was feverish and not feeling that great wanting mommy. We played and we had a bath together. She had just learned a song and copied the movements and it was so great. She told me i love you after i said it. She was becoming this little parrot and said everything you did. My oldest is in kindergarten and today happened to the day she got to go to school till 1pm. at around 11 i decided she needed a nap because i had things i needed to do. Had to get ready for dad to come home.

I nursed her and held her for a little bit and then i moved her to our bed. She woke and cried so i nursed for a few more minutes but i didn't want to stay. I had things to do. I got up and I said you go night night and i walked out.
She cried for like 2 seconds and was out.
If I had just held her for a nap, would things be different? I don't know? If id gone in to check on her when I felt like i should but i didn't want to wake her, would that have helped, I don't know. I hate the freaking what ifs. I hate them.
at around 1230 is i decided it was time for her to wake up. I walked in and her head was in the bed, she often slept like that. She looked peaceful. I turned the light on and talked to her but she didn't wake up. I started putting my laundry away and kept talking but still didn't wake up. I sat down on the floor and started putting her clothes away and kind of bounced the bed. Looked at her chest and said is she moving and then told myself TO STOP BEING SO PARANOID.
Seriously.
But it grabbed hold and i grabbed her hand from under her and it had purple tint to it and i knew.
I grabbed her and she was still so warm. She made all these crackly noises but she had all these purple marks on her and I just knew. But I had to go through the motions. I called 911 and I started CPR on my 18 month old daughter. And I knew.
It seemed like forever till they were here and then when they came I called my brother in law and he called the rest of family. They all came.
We all had a chance to hold her but dad. I held her till she was cold. I smelled her and kissed her head so many times. God i loved her so much. It took the army 2 days to get Dad home to us.
I still can't believe shes gone. That its been 20 days since I held her, kissed her, laughed with her. The pain is so unbearable at times. I thank god for my husband and daughter and my family but i still want my baby girl back. I feel so awful because you should never wish this on somebody else but i can easily pick out a stranger and say why not them. Why me? Why her? Why 2 freaking weeks before dad was supposed to come home?
Nobody knows what to say to you, there is nothing you can say. You can't bring her back so all you can do is let me talk about her, let me remember, let me cry. Megan Olivia McPhee will always be in our hearts. 9-2-08 to 3-10-10

Awesome antibiotic has baby girl feeling great!

Rambles

RAMBLES

Monday, March 15, 2010 at 3:14am

I'm so tired, yet can't sleep. I thought it would be so hard to sleep on the bed but it really hasn't been. Helps that he is here. I feel like im becoming number, like im pushing away the pain and i feel guilty. I love that baby girl of mine with all my heart. She was the happiest litltle thing all the time, ive never met a child happier than she was. Socks were such a hassle and now she never has to wear them again. Hold your babies mamas, you will always regret that last time yoou didn't. To hear mamama or have her just sit so contentdly in my lap, her kisses, her happiness. gone to soon Megan you were gone to soon and it isnt fair
SHe was so perfect, she was stubborn but that just added to her charm. Boy she had charm I dont think there is one person she didnt' win over. Mommy loves you so much my sweet girl things, things wil never be the same. I just want to nuzzle the back o f your head, i want to never forget that smell, in my arms again giving kisses. You were the sweetest baby how my heart aches for you.

I am a terrible blogger

I really am, Im constantly forgetting that I'm supposed to be doing this! Things are going ok in our little world. Megan is in that you shall never put me down stage or I'll cry and drive you to insanity. I'm not really enjoying it at the moment. Emily has totally stepped up and been my little helper, she has just been wonderful lately, I'm so proud of her!
Since we have the big exciting kindergarten coming up, we've been talking about bedtimes. I've been awful about bedtimes I really have so we are going to buckle down and 'get er done'. I want to get the baby in a bedtime schedule as well which means I need to get a crib, enough with the sleeping with me all night. I swear it makes her want to nurse more having me close. With her in this little stage of hers nursing constantly seems to be another aspect of it.
11 months old and this kid can finally sit up, even puts herself in a sitting position, I was seriously starting to worry that I would end up with this kid that refused to sit.

I was doing so great at keeping the house clean, we are back home so the family can stop by anytime they want, it has to be presentable. Yet, i've found myself letting things go here and there, dads gone why bother kind of attitude and I really want to get myself out of it. Things are so much calmer when the house is clean, it puts everyone in better moods. I still have laundry from when he was here 2 weeks ago that needs to be put away. I think mentally though once i put it away I know that's it for a year unless I decide to pull out some of his clothes once in awhile to throw in the wash. But who does that, add clean clothes to the dirty laundry, hello that's more work!

I'm also really wanting to put us all on a schedule, last deployment I became an insufferable insomniac and I'm bound and determined to keep that under control this time. I want to be one of those woman that gets up, cleans, showers and gets ready for the day early in the morning even if there is nothing going on. I've heard its great for the soul, makes you feel better about yourselves and its true, when you get up early and get ready you have more energy. So that's the plan, whether or not I follow through is another blog.

Things change so quickly

Here it is 4am and I'm wide awake with tears streaming down my face. Both of my girls are asleep, content with all in the world. No real idea what this year wll have in store for us. Michael has left for deployment number 2.



I spent the entire night watching him breathe, knowing it was the last time for a long time that I'd get to cuddle with him. Running my fingers through his hair, just touching him as much as I could. Barely closing my eyes because I just couldn't miss a second, hoping just maybe that if I didn't close my eyes this perfect day would never end. It was a perfect day, full of hugs and laughter.



It is so unbelievably hard to comprehend that yet again he will miss everything. There will be no first tooth from Megan, no walking Emily to her first day of kindergarten, no watching Megan take her first steps. They grow so fast and its just heartbreaking to know that he has to miss it all. Sure I can take pictures, I can email but its not the same. It will never be the same, you can never get those moments back.



I am lucky that this time I'm close to family, means I won't be able to hermitize myself to much. This is my best friend, my confidante, my hero, my love and I can't imagine how tough this year will be. Already the well intentioned " I don't know how you can do this" comments have started. You do it because you have to do it. What are my options? I don't have options, I do it because it must be done, because its the cards we have been dealt.

My best friend, we've been through so much together. 13 years. We got together so young and we've never looked back, who will i talk to now? Who is going to step in and take over when I need a break. Its going to be a lonely year, because even though we will be able to talk some, you can't talk about downers, you can't talk about things that have gone wrong because what they do over there? Nothing, it'll just make them feel worse so you keep it, you cry to your girlfriends and you shout and scream in to your pillow hoping your children don't hear you and ask whats wrong.

How do you make sure that a 10 month old isn't going to forget her father? This isn't going to be like it was last time, last time the kid was older and could look at pictures and understood but didn't understand at the same time of what was going on. This time, this time I have to hear the heartbreaking sobs from a 5 year old because she doesn't remember waking up and telling dad bye. This time I have to experience every single one of Megan's majors firsts all by myself. I have to think of ways to tell Michael about them that won't make him to upset. How do you make sure a 10 month old doesn't forget?

I don't want him to go...